living next to the axis of evil ain't so bad

Oops... I'm doing it again

2008-11-20T05:11:00.003-05:00

I guess it's time to come clean. I love Nepal. It's true. But I guess it wouldn't be fair to characterize my trip here as merely another adventure in a foreign land. Because if it was, I wouldn't be spending my days so lazily. I'd be trekking in the Annapurna; safari-ing in the Terai; pilgrimage-ing to Lumbini... The truth is, I spend an awful lot of my time with just one person. A boy. And his family. And the truth is, I'm not sure that I would still be here if I wasn't spending so much time with this boy and his family.

This boy is, by the way, the one whom I briefly mentioned the last time I wrote about Nepal. He acted as a sort of personal guide and friend, whisking me away to interesting places rarely seen by tourists, inviting me to stay in his grandfather's village, providing comfort to me in a difficult time... And now, he is doing much of the same, only more. I usually eat dinner with his family. I am always hanging around his house. His mother, sisters and uncles go out of their way to help me and make me feel comfortable- even finding for me a place to live and work. (Oh yes, this is news. I've found a place to teach. Part-time-ish. No pay for now. I guess I'll renegotiate that in January if I stay here longer.) In truth I feel quite spoiled by his family. And very lucky to know them. Oh, what to do?

(Pardon me while I interrupt these thoughts to comment on the ginormous cockroach which is cleaning its antennae right next to where I sit. It's a bit distracting. I feel nauseous.)

I really, honestly, truly do not want a repeat of the same relationship events which happened in my not-so-distant past. I'm not sure that I'm repeating those mistakes (well, for one thing, this boy, he isn't married), but there are some aspects of this new relationship which frighten me. A lot . Do I really want to fall in love with someone who lives halfway around the world from my family? Do I really want to face (again) the difficulties that come with such different cultures? Aren't I crazy for trying this again when obviously it can end so disastrously?

But oh, this boy is wonderful. He's smart, extremely stubborn (oh it's a often battle of wills), somewhat serious, but also creative, generous, a talented singer, open-minded, eager for new experiences, loyal and loving with his family (who do no appear to be dysfunctional at all), and of course, we share many of the same political beliefs (though we argue a lot about politics)... He's a good person.

But still, I guess I feel a bit unsettled about this. Maybe it's the distance from my family. Maybe it's all of the uncertainty I feel about being in love again. Maybe I'm afraid of losing myself to this person the way I lost myself to Masum. I guess what ever it is, I'm learning to let it go. I'm trying to let it go. Because when I turn off my brain and appreciate what it is NOW, without thinking about the past or the future, it's amazing. And shouldn't we always feel amazing?

10 Days of Silence

2008-11-17T05:25:00.002-05:00

So I missed the election. Totally missed it. I voted, yes, that's true, but on November the 4th, I turned up at a Vipassana meditation center in Kathmandu and for 10 days, didn't think about the election, that frightful Sarah Palin, the media circus or much else for that matter. Instead, I took a vow of silence, actually of noble silence, and discovered what it's like to be a monk. Every morning, I woke up at 4. I meditated from 4:30-6:30, ate breakfast, rested a while and then went back to the Dhamma hall for another 3 hours of meditation. In total, we spent about 10.5 hours a day meditating. With only a few hours free everyday, little food and zero communication, you might think that one would become quite depressed and lonely, but I have to admit that I felt freer and happier those 10 days than maybe ever.

It was hard work sitting. Painful. My hips and knees were burning. My ankles felt sprained. My mind wandered, day dreamed, planned, contemplated, and sometimes was so focused and concentrated that I got headaches. But somehow, all that pain turned into nearly pleasant sensations as I learned how to observe what my body is feeling on the gross level, and on a more subtle level, with equanimity.

The theory behind this practice is that if you can learn to re-train your mind to experience pain without judging or reacting to it, you can learn to deal with life's ups and downs with a balanced mind. If you can observe your own misery, you can come out of it. I think it works. I think. I'm not sure. But how can I explain how wonderful I felt at the end of each day despite my throbbing joints and growling stomach?

Tihar and Drowning Cows

2008-10-31T04:47:00.006-04:00

Oh, there's so much to say! Should I start in chronological order?

~It's festival time! Well, now I guess it's over, but for the last 4 days, the streets have been full of people people singing and dancing, lighted butter candles and Christmas-esqe lights, children playing games, dogs and cows and humans running around with tikas no their foreheads and garlands around their necks. And there has been praying. Lots and lots of praying. If the internet would cooperate I would post some of the rather excellent pictures I've taken of all the pujas I've attended this week.

~The first puja I attended was at my friend's house. It wasn't technically part of Tihar, but instead was a prayer and (rather long) ceremony for the health of their family. The auspicious day for the prayer was chosen by consulting an astrological calender, as was the reason for the prayer since the calender suggested that there was a bad omen over some specific family members. The ceremony was quite beautiful and consisted of hundreds of flower petals, bananas, apples, coconuts, ghee candles, incense, copper dishes and lots of that red, yellow and orange paste that you see smeared on people's foreheads in this part of the world. And oh yes, I forgot to mention the cow urine- consumed by the Brahman priest in shots as a natural remedy for well, everything, I guess.

~I attended more pujas, one for a dog and a Newari one for my own health and longevity, but I guess they are more or less the same in terms of what you see and do... There are so many complicated parts to the praying that I'm sure I can't describe it accurately (like I got three cups of flower petals and seeds dumped on my head, fire touched to either shoulder and my forehead; I bowed to some fruit (?), drank some yogurt with honey in it and made some funny gestures with my hands... I have no idea what it all means).

~Nepal, as I may have mentioned before, is a definitely an early to bed and early to rise country. By 8 o'clock, people are generally at home, eating dinner, performing their daily pujas, washing their faces and watching TV (power permitting). So you can imagine my surprise the other night when a group of men came rushing, shouting and with flashlights, through the empty lot next to my house. We all (my neighbors including the family I mentioned before and the small family that lives upstairs) rushed to the roof with our flashlights so we could see what was going on. From there, we could see the men looking into the narrow and fast-moving Seti Canal, to which access is generally blocked by tall walls and fencing over the top. But in this part, it seems four cows which had been grazing the the empty lot, wandered right into the canal and couldn't get out. The men called the police, who called the army, who came with no lights and no tools. They were using their mobile phones to look into the canal and shouting to all the people on the roof tops to throw things down to them. So we did. We threw ropes, sickles, bamboo poles, lights, even pashmina scarves... And they managed to rope all four cows and heave them out of the canal, though one suffered a broken foot. Each time a cow was retrieved we exploded into applause... And everyone was quite relieved they there were rescued, not only because cows are holy here, but because they next day was the cow puja day in Tihar... We would've had nothing to pray to if they'd died! (Actually, there are plenty of cows roaming the streets here, but those 4 seem to live only on our street...)

~I guess the nearly drowned cows are about the most exciting thing that's happend this week. When the internet cooperates, I'll post photos...

2008-10-21T22:46:00.002-04:00

To be honest, I've totally lost track of the time. If I thought my life was simple in Vermont, I don't know what word I'd use to describe the life I've started living here. I came to Pokhara four or five days ago and in that time, I have managed to find a place to live (with help from a friend) and already feel as though I have two Nepali families. Both of my families are constantly looking after my well-being, checking to see if I've eaten (and feeding me if I haven't), making sure I have clean drinking water, and helping buy things I need for daily living.

Yesterday was the first real day in my new home, so I decided to hang around and see what everyone else was doing. My next door neighbor is a family of four- a 30 year old mother named Surita, her husband and two sons. It's festival time in Nepal, so I watched as the boys ran in and out of the courtyard to play with their friends. And although Surita was busy preparing butter candles for Tihar- the next big holiday, she invited me in to watch TV with her and chat.

I share the courtyard, the water tap and bathroom with Surita's family, so it is difficult to not know everything that is going on. When they wake at 5 or 6, I wake at 5 or 6. I listen to them take a shower, cook their food, wash their clothes and their dishes. And they of course, watch and listen to me as well. Last night, as I sat in my room to study by candlelight (power outages are frequent in Pokhara), the youngest boy ran up to my window, blew on my curtain and announced that his father was calling me. So I went to their room and discovered that the oldest son needed help with his English homework... finally something I could actually do! So I helped him and then went to take my bath. Later when I was back in my room, Surita discovered that I was studying Nepali so she came into "help" and brought the whole family with her. The boys quickly cuddled up on my bed with my Ipod, while Surita and her husband tried to help me learn the alphabet. This morning as I brushed my teeth, Surita's husband came to me and started saying the Nepali words for everything he saw: mirror, soap, water, clothes... I guess I'll start remembering what he is telling me, but right now, I just look at him and laugh, thinking my brain isn't ready to process all of the language stuff he is telling me.

The Annapurnas are hovering over the city. The sky is clear, the sun is warm, and I'm starting to feel quite at home...

2008-10-15T23:40:00.002-04:00

I've been in Nepal for nearly a week now. It's been a slow week of reacquainting myself with the noise, the smell, the manic traffic, the planned and sometimes erratic power outages, the poverty and heaps of garbage around the city, as well as the friendly open nature of Nepali people. Kathmandu feels very....familiar. I remember now why I don't like Kathmandu and can't wait to get out of here! Maybe today... Maybe tomorrow. I guess it depends on how long it takes to take care of business...

The most exciting thing I have to report is how I voted: On the street of Kathmandu with a gaggle of Nepali men grinning over my shoulder as I filled in the Obama/Biden circle. Today I'll deliver that ballot to the US embassy.

I've started learning Nepali (I actually had my first lesson yesterday), and I'm beginning to lay the ground work for what might come next on my adventure here. Earlier in the week, I met with some of my Nepali friends that I met while working with the Migrant's Trade Union-Korea, who suggested that I might volunteer for GEFONT- a Nepali trade union- here in Kathmandu. I've contacted WWOOF and am preparing for some farm work in the Pokhara Valley. And I've signed up for a 10 day course in Vipassana- silent meditation that will start on November 4. (Frankly, the thought of that scares the shit out of me, but I'm going to try it anyway.)

I've been taking pictures, as yet have no way to post them. I'll figure that out later.

Breaking bad habits; acquiring new ones

2008-07-28T19:57:00.003-04:00

I am a communicator. It's what I do. Some days, it seems that I have verbal diarrhea. I just can't stop talking. Complaining. Processing. Emoting. I feel like if I hold it all in, I'll explode. For some reason, I think people care about my opinions, my feelings, my ideas. And maybe they do. Sometimes. But probably, more often than not, they don't care. And it is probably unreasonable for me to expect most people to be interested. Especially when I'm complaining. Even if it's complaining through sarcasm. Or with a grin spread across my face.

And I do feel that I complain. A lot. It's not that I want to be negative all the time. Truly, I don't. And most of the time my complaints come from a good intention. Something that I think needs to be changed or improved upon. It's just that I'm not so good at framing my thoughts. Instead of pointing out the way it could be fixed, I point out what's wrong. Instead of acknowledging the mostly good things that are happening in my life, I fixate on the bad.

I realize that this habit makes my life a lot unhappier than it has to be. And I realize, also, that it's not necessarily a bad thing to criticize or point out something wrong. So why do I feel guilty when I do it? And how can I break the habit of dwelling on the least awesome things in my life as opposed to the most? And how can I continue to get my ideas across, but be more positive about it?

There a few people in my life now who are a few years older than me. A few people who do a really good job making enemies at work. Or who are no fun to work with because everything is always wrong. A few people who are very set in their ways. Their very very negative ways. I might even go so far as to call them bitter. I hate working with them. And other people do, too. I see a bit of myself in them and worry... Is that my future? Is that the kind of person I'm going to be if I continue to be so... critical. And negative. And expressive.

I realize that I have all these faults. And that they don't make me the most fun person to be around, especially in a work environment. But apparently self awareness isn't enough. I need to move on to changing my thinking in a pretty fundamental way... How does one go about that?

My blog is having an identity crisis!

2008-07-27T21:24:00.003-04:00

I guess that the term "axis of evil" has become about as outdated as GWB's presidency. He has become a lame duck, and so has that term apparently. With Iraq, though still in the midst of war, but apparently also in the throes of "democratic" change, off the list, and North Korea getting downgraded from State Terrorists and Rogues to... well, what is that they are now? An unfriendly regime? At any rate, Iran is the only country left in the axis, so it isn't much of an axis anymore, is it? (Aren't we going to invade them soon anyhow?)

Not only that, but I don't even live in South Korea now. I don't know where I live. And furthermore, I don't know what I do. I'm not even sure that I have anything interesting to say.

It may be time to disappear. Re-design. Turn my brain back on. And then re-emerge.

So long, internets... until we meet again!

This week:

2008-07-03T20:50:00.002-04:00

Run-away Llama!
Moose sighting!
Goat Cheese Making!
Rainy Scooter Riding!
Sheep herding!
Cow Corralling!
Korean Speaking! (in vermont!)
Finally! Fresh Local Food eating! (I grew it!)

Yup, it's been a pretty exciting week.

How I Spend My Days in Vermont:

2008-06-30T19:51:00.004-04:00

The cool breeze that makes the silver leaves of our ancient cottonwood trees dance.

The succession of wildflowers in the pasture, from dandelions to buttercups and onward to vetch, clover (red and white), milkweed and chicory.

The storm clouds that roll in over the lake, casting a blue hue on the mountains beneath them. And the pure white light that finds an opening in the clouds making even the green grass look golden.

The smell of wet earth during yet another rain shower.

Each day that I'm here, our small mountains grow bigger in my mind. The beauty of the landscape and my gratitude for it is deepening its mark on my heart. I will appreciate it now while I'm here. And I will change as it changes. As we change each other.

This is my lesson in not taking things for granted.

On a lighter note...

2008-06-25T20:27:00.002-04:00

Goat kids!

Today I watched one of our goats, Dandy, give birth. She was fast! She was amazing! She was sweet! And the kid is so freakin' cute...

And then I milked her and her mommy friend, Feta... goat cheese anyone?

Goats. Definitely the best part of my job.

So I realize that this is a "public forum"...

2008-06-25T20:12:00.002-04:00

But If you don't like my writing, or find it depressing... Why do you bother to read?

I'm not really writing about political things right now. I'm writing about my feelings. It's how I feel. And as such, it's not really debatable. And if you don't agree with me, guess what? I don't really care about how you feel about my feelings. Unless I know you, in which case it's obviously different. If I was looking to improve myself, I wouldn't be whining away on this forum, I would be in therapy, which, of course, I'm not denying that I need.

So if you don't have something nice to say to me, keep it to yourself. Unless you want to identify yourself (notice my comment settings have changed).

Hey, I realize the comments that anonymous wrote and I deleted weren't actually that offensive. But since I've made this my little space on the internet, I get to decide if your opinion counts. And I've decided that it doesn't. Unless I know you.

Are you happy yet?

2008-06-22T20:58:00.004-04:00

How 'bout now?

This is a question I've encountered a lot since my return from Korea. Am I happy? Well, if happiness is a relative state, I guess I can say the answer is yes. I am happy. Err... I am happier than when I was in Korea. Because there I was definitely unhappy. That seems so much easier to define.

Okay. So wait. Is happiness, in fact, a relative measure? Is it defined more or less in opposition to not-so-happy feelings? Is happiness the negative space (or should I say the positive space?) which surrounds sadness, angst, stress, anger... Because although I am not sad, angsty, stressed nor angry, neither am I happy. But I'm not unhappy.

It seems that happiness arrives in fleeting moments and often occurs only in retrospect. It's not that I don't enjoy many of the things I do, but do I recognize that joy in the moment? Or does it only occur to me as an afterthought? Or in contrast to some other experience or moment in time?

Or is happiness a feeling of contentment? The feeling that all is right with the world? Does it feel like the gods are smiling on you? Maybe like nothing can go wrong?

Does anyone in this country really feel happy? Really?

I have struggled with the concept of happiness for a long time. I don't always know how to recognize it when I have it. I often long for it, but when I think I have it, I feel uncomfortable- but not because I think it'll slip away too quickly. On the contrary, I feel bored with the contentment and long for a challenge, a struggle- something that will unsettle me.

And it's not as though I don't believe in my own happiness. I do. But I guess it's the fact that I believe in the happiness of everyone else-I am talking about on a global level- which motivates me to question my own right to contentment. I know, the Founding Fathers laid out our rights to the pursuit of happiness a couple of hundred years ago. But what if that pursuit impedes another's happiness? And what if, only by virtue of being An American, I am impeding the happiness of millions or billions just by pursuing my American version of happiness- even a modest one?

Hey this is not guilt I'm talking about. I'm talking about our responsibility. To each other. To challenge ourselves to think about our happiness and our contentment and wonder, "how does my happiness affect other people in my world?"

So in the context of "the greater happiness," I guess one could say that I'm making uncomfortably happy my goal. But I don't know if I'll ever be aware that I've reached that goal. And I'm not sure how I would define my state of happiness now, except to say that well, I'm not depressed...

My Poor Ma and Our Family

2008-05-16T22:29:00.003-04:00

Today NSLS and I spent an awful lot of time together talking about the family. It was precipitated by a phone call we received from our mother, telling us of rather sad and unfortunate news. Our aunt had a brain tumor at the base of her skull, which was operable. She apparently came out of the surgery well... Although since that was all of the information we were given, we really have no idea what the prognosis is.

But it should be noted that all of us, RevDrMom, NSLS and I found out about the tumor post surgery. And that the primary form of notification was email. My mom is rather upset about how all this is happening, and I think (although she never says it) is feeling quite guilty. I really hate that all this technology that enables rapid-fire communication has become an excuse for us to not actually talk to each other.

It should also be noted that I, perhaps the most independent and free spirited of the bunch, also have the weakest ties with our family, especially the family of the extended nature. I haven't seen my grandmother since our grandfather's funeral in 2002. And that was also, perhaps, the last time I saw any of my uncles, cousins or the aunt who has recently fallen seriously ill. I don't call them. I don't write them (well, I write them, but it never gets mailed) and I honestly don't even think about them all that much. I have a pretty terrible relationship with my mom's older sister who I think, also happens to be my god mother. She seems to disapprove of not only everything about my mom's life, but also everything about mine. And I feel somewhat... ambivalent about the rest of our family.

I know that my mother gets blamed for this distance even though I am now an adult and could have, or not have, any relationship that I wanted to with aforementioned family members. But I just don't want to be involved in the drama. The blame, the guilt, the name-calling-- it's all enough for me to want to keep my distance. Let them talk about me behind my back. It doesn't hurt me.

So why, then, am I spending so much time thinking about this? Is it because my aunt is very sick? No, I don't think so. It's because I think that I understand one of their most fundamental points: That my mother, despite all of her awesomeness, has some pretty serious flaws when it comes to communicating with people she loves. It's not that she doesn't want to talk to people, but I think that maybe she is afraid to talk to people. I think that even though she opens up to all of us here in internet-land, she doesn't feel as safe making herself vulnerable to people in her family, including me, even though I love her and unconditionally support her.

So in my older brother (aka Eldest Son), her desire to give him the space she wishes her parents gave her, she has created too much room. All this is exacerbated by his feelings that none of us really care about or are interested in him. His extreme sensitivity about being disconnected from his immediate family, combined with my mother's extreme sensitivity for letting each of her children be their own person, has turned what used to be a kind of bad relationship into what is now a relationship on the brink. Admittedly, my own ambivalence towards my older brother probably doesn't help the situation.

But I also feel that tension between wishing my mom seemed more interested in my life, and also appreciating the space she has given me to explore my intellect, emotion and sense of adventure without being judgemental. But sometimes I wish the old-fashioned mom would kick in and say, "Hey! You're making a big mistake with your life!" or "Why don't you just get a regular job like everybody else?" Two phrases which I'm quite sure have never have never passed her lips. And I think that my older brother, although he would bitch and complain about it, wants that from our mother, too.

It's not that I actually believe that my mother doesn't care about our lives. I know that she would do anything she could to help me out. But I don't think her brothers and sister see that side of her. Too much judgement has been passed. They all, my mother included, spend so much time blaming each other for the lack of communication instead of just picking up the phone. I know that it is sometimes painful for my mother to talk with her family. But I kind of think that if she picked up the phone a little more often, it might get easier and there would be fewer reasons to play this 20 year old blame game.

And mom, grandma is now just a crotchety old lady. She's earned it. So maybe you don't deserve whatever she's saying to you, but she doesn't know what she's saying half the time anyhow. So talk to her while you still have the chance. And mom, you should be happy and proud that in the least, you have raised two daughters who like each other to live together as adults and won't be repeating the same silly mistakes your generation has made...

Our family no longer puts the "fun" in dysfunction, but we do a good job with "dys"ing part... Maybe we should work on that a little...

More on Nepal... In photos

2008-04-17T18:48:00.012-04:00

Here's a little more on my trip to Nepal. There are probably a few more installments to come.

The first few pictures are from a jungle area in the Terai. Just days before I arrived, there was a huge general strike staged by the Madhesi people that went on for about 2 weeks. Their main issues were around autonomy and representation; they were protesting the rather Kathmandu-centric nature of the old Nepal Congress government, especially in terms of economic investment outside of the Kathmandu Valley. Their strike was felt all over Nepal as they were able to shut down the main trade route between India and the capital. Weeks after the strike was over, food prices were still pretty high (not just because of global inflation), and petrol was still so scarce that gas stations in Kathmandu were being guarded by the military and people would queue for a day or two fill up their tanks... Needless to say, this was an area that was swept by Maoists, and some of the more regional parties like the Madhesi Jana Adhikar Forum (MJF) during the elections.

When I was there, however, none of this was really evident and most people were reluctant to talk about (probably because the strikes are bad for tourism and most of the people I came into contact with make all of their money from tourists). And so I give you the tourist photos:

village houses near the entrance to Chitwan National Park.

That's me, "driving" the elephant on the last leg of our elephant safari in Royal Chitwan National Park.

endangered one horned white rhino, Royal Chitwan National Park
(dinosauric, ain't it?)

That's me giving the elephant a "bath."

Elephant Bath Time, Royal Chitwan National Park

Early morning canoe ride, Royal Chitwan National Park

Late afternoon elephant watering, Royal Chitwan National Park

A typical Tibetan monastery, Bodhnath, Nepal

Bodhnath
This is a Tibetan stupa just outside of Kathmandu. The day I went there, I remember feeling very at peace with the world. Even if you aren't a spiritual or religious person, you can't deny the energy of a place like this. Pilgrims swing prayer wheels and chant mantras as they walk around the stupa, all in the same direction. Masum and I tried to walk around in the opposite direction, but didn't make it very far before we, too, decided to go with the flow.

Lessons from Nepal

2008-04-13T23:01:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking a lot, trying to figure out how I can synthesize everything I learned in Nepal into one piece of writing that makes sense if it is read all together. But the fact of the matter was, the way I was spending my days and the way I was spending my nights was so completely different, that I don't know that it makes sense to write about as one experience.

On the one hand, I had the experience that I've been writing about here. The heartache, the healing-- the emotional journey that I've been on for the last two years came to an end. In Nepal, I was able to wrap up such a messy relationship into a nice neat box for me to put in the corner of my heart and the corner of my mind, where it can collect dust. I'll store it in a place where I can take it out and look at it with curiosity and detachment when it suits me; a place that's far enough to remain unseen, but close enough to not be forgotten. Yes, Nepal gave me closure.

And then there was everything else in Nepal. The everything that made me fall in love with a country, a place and a time that was exciting, intellectually stimulating, spiritual, nurturing, fun... But how do you pluck a story or an experience out of thin air and get it right, make it meaningful without telling the entire story? How could I begin to write about the time Pratit took me to his grandfather's house in this little Gurung village in the foothills of the Annapurnas without explaining my relationship to Pratit, his mother, or how his family defies traditional family structure in Nepal, or about how his grandfather's life is ruled by ritual and routine (is there a difference?); I would have to write about what the house looked like, how the white capped mountains hovered so close I thought I could understand why people believe in god... I would have to write all of that for anyone to understand the feeling I got as we sat eating daal bhat inside his old mud and brick house under a single light bulb, our eyes stinging from the smokey cook-fire; We sat there eating and he, his grandfather (who kept giving us sly looks as he cooked dinner) was not eating, but praying, making an offering to the small shrine he had in the corner of the house next to his bed, next to the cook-fire, which was next to me. How can I write all that and still not tell the story?

And then there was Saobin, a young man from the Terai who worked at the hotel I was staying. My first day there, the owner of the hotel, Devendra, said to me: "Look how he walks. So slow. Like a rhino." We laughed. And I watched. Saobin did all of the work of the hotel. He cleaned the rooms, he ran errands, washed laundry, made tea, took care of the garden... Devendra did nothing. He played cards, talked, gave orders. I watched. Saobin was shy. He had a sweet smile and he twitched a lot. He worked hard. I took to calling him 'babu', which I guess means baby or child, but I wasn't making fun- I really felt motherly towards him. I noticed there was something wrong. The last day, I asked about it. I was told that he used to live in a village in the jungle. He was a hunter. One day as he was hunting, he came across some Nepalese soldiers. They accused him of being a Maoist. He had a gun. They beat him senseless. Now he has trouble communicating. And now by telling that story, I've cheated Saobin because I've left out the context. The details. The other players. It's not complete.

To tell my story in Nepal I have to tell the stories of at least 10 others. I have to tell the story of a country in the midst of change, a hopeful time not only for Nepali people, but for myself as well. Because in the end I guess I learned that we can be reborn through our struggles and that my story depends not on myself, but on who tells it. And that we should never be careless with that power.

Writings from Nepal... Bracing

2008-04-13T22:43:00.002-04:00

Pokhara, March 23, 2008

Yesterday, Pratit asked me what I've learned from my time in Nepal. My smart ass answer was water conservation, but I wonder what it really was? That I can live without Masum? That I was crazy to believe in him? That he was too central to my existence in Korea? I don't know.

For long breaths, I feel over him, but occasionally as I breath in, I feel his memory taking a quick stab at my heart, making me feel confused, bitter, angry and sad... And then I exhale, and the thought, the memory and the feeling is gone. Sometimes I feel like holding my breath, holding that feeling. Holding the moment until I have to let it go.

Nepali Election Photos

2008-04-11T13:23:00.000-04:00

Here's a link from the NY Times. The pictures are beautiful. The pictures are hopeful.

And two articles on the elections: one and two.

I wish I was there.

Writings from Nepal... Attachment

2008-04-11T12:13:00.000-04:00

Pokhara, March 17, 2008

How easily a person clings; how easily a person breaks. I feel like if I start crying, it's never going to end. I've kept a fairly calm composure for almost a week- if I can keep it up, maybe I'll become hard and numb inside. I really don't want to feel anything right now. Except fullness. And that's not possible.

Loneliness must be the most fundamental part of being human- and our struggle against loneliness may be the only thing that ever really unites us in the end. At least, that's when it doesn't break us completely.

Oh how I miss Masum. How I miss the idea we created of our lives together. The injustice of it all breaks my heart. And he, too, breaks my heart.

Writings from Nepal...Healing

2008-04-11T12:05:00.000-04:00

Pokhara, March 12, 2008

I left Masum three days ago. It seems like it has been months. Maybe I have only partially realized that Sunday was the final goodbye, or maybe I was prepared, but I'm shocked at how few tears I've cried. Maybe we've already had too many "final" goodbyes to believe that was really it... I feel lonely and am thankful that so far I've been able to surround myself with people. I guess after I say goodbye to Raju, Gom and Pratit, maybe everything will sink in.

I've though I'm sad and heartbroken, and feeling cheated, some part of me knows that it is time to move on. The relationship I had with Masum would have never worked in the real world. A world where we were married and had kids, jobs (that we got paid for), responsibilities. In this situation, it's hard to tell which world was real and which world was a fantasy. What a surreal life I've been living...

On Nepal... Kathmandu in Pictures

2008-04-07T16:33:00.012-04:00

This is an awesome food stall near Durbar Square.

These old Newari temples and buildings are everywhere in Kathmandu. This is in Durbar Square, the former seat of the King's power, now UNESCO world heritage site. Most of the buildings here date back to before the 17th century.

This sadhu hangs around Durbar Square mostly for the benefit of the tourists (and himself). Foreigners take pictures of him and then he asks them for money. Or sometimes he blesses you (by smearing some red paste on your forehead) and then demands 200 rupees. All sadhus don't do that, but the ones who hang out in the tourist areas and charm snakes tend to be a bit snake-like themselves.

This old man was resting at the top of a temple- a popular place for locals to hang out during the day.

Honestly, I have no idea what she's selling. Medicine? Herbs?

Cute chubby little girl

This is a very small temple in Durbar Square. In Kathmandu, you can't turn around with seeing people praying, or making a puja (offering). There are temples everywhere and everyone seems to be religious, or at least superstitious. In Nepal, Hinduism seems to predominate, but there are a lot of Buddhists as well. It is often difficult to tell who is who because a lot of the temples and shrines seem to honor every Nepalese religious tradition. I started learning to distinguish between gods, whether I was looking at something was Hindu or Buddhist, Nepalese Buddhism or Tibetan, but it definitely takes some serious studying to get it all right.

Garland Vendors in Durbar Square

This is a political rally in Durbar Square. Throughout my month in Nepal, I saw people campaigning for the elections (mostly Moaists, but other parties were also visible). This, I think, was a business owners association. It was weird to see banners and billboards attached to such ancient buildings.

This only covers part of day one. Stayed tuned for more installments...

On Nepal... The Introduction

2008-04-07T15:57:00.008-04:00

The beginning of my adventure in Nepal can best be described through pictures. I was with Masum and we were, for the most part, avoiding talking about anything too seriously-- namely us, his life at home and my return to America. We had sad moments and serious moments, and seriously sad moments, but we spent our time together around the Kathmandu Valley very much like we spent our time together in Korea: In Denial. So we ran off to this place and that; we visited friends and ate delicious food. We pretended like everything was fine. And then we said good bye. For good.

The good bye was, well, anticlimactic. I was to get on a bus to Chitwan, a national park in the Terai, and he was to get on an airplane back to Dhaka. I nearly missed my bus, so our goodbye was rushed- a quick kiss while throwing my bag on the top of the bus and rushing to find the last seat. As the bus pulled away I waved to him as he watched, and I remember thinking, "was that really it?" I was sad, but quickly distracted by a gaggle of Russian tourists who were complaining about their seats and demanding that an elderly Nepalese man sit in the worst, most uncomfortable seat on the back of the bus because they didn't want to. I was enraged at their back of the bus comments and started battling immediately, calling them out in front of the whole bus, but to no avail. The bus attendant acquiesced and I sat there fuming and boring holes into the back of the rude Russian's head with my evil eye for the entire 6 hour ride. Distraction was the first coping mechanism I had to deal with the end of me and Masum.

I think it's safe to say that I spent the rest of my time in Nepal examining not only my time spent in with Masum (in Korea and Nepal), but my life in general and wondering how I was going to move forward- emotionally, intellectually, professionally. How the hell was I going to move forward? I don't know that found any real answers, but I did find some comfort in a new friendship. My old friend Raju introduced me to Pratit, mostly I think because Pratit's English is so darn good. But what Raju didn't know is that Pratit and I have an awful lot in common and that Pratit's company, and then his friendship, provided for me a kind of intellectual and emotional cocoon that went a long way in helping my tired broken heart to heal. And for that accidental gift, I must thank Pratit.

So thus begins my little project 'On Nepal'. The first part of my journey is documented through pictures and the second is documented through writing. Maybe the electricity will stay on in Pokhara long enough for Pratit to send me some of the photos I took while I was with him, but until that time, you'll have to bear my clumsy words...

On Belonging... or not

2008-03-30T15:30:00.003-04:00

I've arrived. I've been in Vermont for just about two days. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel bad. I just kind of feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. I'm waiting for something to click. I'm waiting to fall into place.

I arrived home to a brand new niece and two very tired brand new parents. It's not that they weren't happy about seeing me, it's just that they are filled with the sleep deprived wonder and excitement of having a 6 day old infant. And so my normal position at center stage was already filled. No one wanted me to regal them with stories of adventure and daring in Nepal. No one asked about what happened with Masum when I met him in Kathmandu. Not only that, but they don't even seem to need any help.

I think this is supposed to be my home, but I just kind of feel like an extra person hanging around in someone else's house. It doesn't feel like my space. I don't feel free to do whatever, whenever. I want to give their new family space, but I also want to be a part of it. But I'm not.

It's kind of the same with my friends. I guess three years is a long time to be gone. They've all changed and moved on, and so have I. But I haven't moved on in Burlington. I feel stuck in the past here and I don't quite understand the circles that people are moving in now, or what happened to the posse I used to roll with. I want to be a part of what's happening here, but I'm not.

Not only that, but when I look around me, I feel somewhat disgusted by what I see. There is so much stuff, so much food, so many resources. Last night at this party I went to, we turned off the lights for an hour because it was some kind of international turn off your lights day or something. Okay, that's good. Let's all be aware about energy conservation. But everyone thought it was so romantic and interesting and like they were doing something important, and I'm just sitting there thinking about what over-privileged jerks we are. As though one hour on day is going to make a difference. Why not do it every day? For more than an hour?

I hate to admit this, but right now I feel a lot of contempt for America. I resent the comfort, the excess, the ease with which dollars slip out of your hand and into a store or restaurant, and then somehow back into your hand. I resent all of the procreation that's going on-- there are so many babies filling up a world that it already too full. And I think that the procreation is mostly out of vanity. Our vain and selfish desire to see ourselves in someone else. And maybe even our most basic struggle against loneliness. This whole lifestyle baffles me. But maybe only because it eludes me. Maybe what I'm feeling is not contempt, but jealousy.

Right now, I feel like I could show up to any corner of the globe and be faced with the same problem: Wherever I am, I'm going to have to start over. Wherever I am, I'm going to have to find a way to make myself belong again. I wonder if the "where" is even important at all? I guess I have to figure how to relate to this corner of the world again. And that means I have to shrug off all this contempt and stop being so damn judgemental of the way Americans live their lives.

i'm not dead. i'm in nepal.

2008-03-15T04:16:00.000-04:00

and it is amazing.

back in about a month...

bjork: the cutest little alien you've ever seen

2008-02-16T09:27:00.002-05:00

Saw bjork on her Volta tour tonight. The set list?

01. Intro - Brennið Þið Vitar
02. Earth Intruders
03. Hunter
04. Aurora
05. All Is Full Of Love
06. Jóga
07. Hope
08. The Pleasure Is All Mine
09. Vertebrae By Vertebrae(!)
10. Desired Constellation
11. Army Of Me
12. Innocence
13. Bachelorette
14. Vokuro
15. Wanderlust
16. Hyperballad
17. Pluto

encore
18. Anchor Song
19. Declare Independence

Got that off of a website-- but really more than half of the songs were new and I haven't heard the new album in its entirety yet, so a lot of it was a dive into the industrial computer age brass orchestra ambience of unknown bjork. The outfit? Spectacularly ugly and weird, as anticipated (it looked like a one big iridescent ruffle). The band she was with? Nearly as unique as she is. The stage? The design was unpleasantly assymetrical with flags hanging at random places on the stage (maybe for her song, Declare Independence) with big television screens so you could watch the jestsons-era dj work his magic. The total effect? An awesomely amazing concert that took you down and brought you up and ended in an unexpectedly huge dance party. Bjork is kind of raw and in your face yet sweet and sensual at the same time. And she's the cutest darn alien you've ever seen. I don't think there is any one on the planet who can compete with bjork's cool. It's just not possible.

So Sick

2008-02-08T23:40:00.000-05:00

Really, I feel like air from a factory stack was pumped into my lungs and then I was hit by a train. I'm sweating and I'm freezing. I can barely get out of my bed to use the bathroom. I think my throat was actually bleeding this morning from all of my coughing (but I didn't examine it, it just tasted like blood in my mouth). And there is no food and not much drinkable water in my house... WAAHH! I'm so thirsty!

It used to be if I got sick in Korea that there were people to take care of me. In Suwon a group of gals complete with its own motherly hen would look after any mangled party, and after Suwon, there was Masum. He would call me like a 100 times a day, bring me Indian food, give me massages and make sure I wasn't alone for too long. And now I just feel sick and lonely and a little helpless. I'm not sure that anyone would notice if I didn't emerge from my apartment for the next three days. Or the next three months for that matter. Well, I guess my school would be concerned if I didn't show up for work. It just feels so lonely. And so sick. WAAAHHHHHHHH! I want Masum! WAH! I want to go home! WAH! I want someone to bring me some food and water! WAH! This sucks.

Anxiety and Freedom

2008-02-03T09:06:00.000-05:00

I spent yesterday evening with one of my favorite people in Korea, my good friend and former roomate, Kang Yong. No matter what is going on in my life, Kang Yong can always get a smile out of me and yesterday was no exception. His humor is subtle and he actually speaks quietly and not all that often, but he has a way of making me think. And here are some of the things I realized when I hung out with him yesterday:

*Going home does make me feel anxious. Because even though I'm excited about being in Vermont, it seems like it's going to be a hard place to live. How can I make enough money to stay there? (or what if I can't make enough money to get out again?) What if I can't afford health insurance? What happens if I get sick or hurt? While those things didn't concern me all that much 10 years ago, they are very important to me now. Living and working in the United States kind of represents for me a return to financial instability and insecurity.

*BUT I am American, and I'm a native English speaker, which basically means that I have the freedom to go just about anywhere and get a job. And make a decent amount of money while I'm at it. And what that means is that I am already thinking about where I can go next. It's not as though I already have a plan in my head, it's just that I have trouble picturing myself in Vermont past late fall. For one thing, I hate winter there and for another if I have a farm job, it means I'll be unemployed again. God, unemployed. Again. I'm so sick of uttering those words.

*I am boring myself. WW Out.

Lessons

2008-01-30T07:59:00.001-05:00

*this is from a letter I wrote to Masum not so long ago

Really I don't know why I'm writing to you now. I can't sleep. I feel sad. And lonely. And totally awake. But I guess I wanted to tell you something.

Even though I can't understand the way that your family is behaving, this whole situation has in some strange way really helped me understand my childhood. More specifically, it has helped me understand the kinds of choices that my father, and my mother to some extent, had to make. Choosing between love, family, happiness and children is never easy. It seems like those things shouldn't be in opposition to one another, but all too often, they are. In fact, in a lot of cases, like in my family, the choices are quite impossible. When I was a child, my father chose his happiness and hoped that his children would understand. And well, we didn't. We didn't understand at all. We felt abandoned and alone and I grew up mostly feeling like I didn't have a father. My father's decision was a little more complicated than that and he made a lot of mistakes, but now I see that there was probably nothing that he could have done to make me happy or to make feel like I was still important to him.

I guess what I mean is that children don't really have the ability to accept the complexity of the decisions that adults make. And that while I'm sorry about the fact that you have to give up love, that in the end, Neeha will really respect you for it. I hope that one day you can have a frank conversation with Neeha about your relationship with me and how we came to be in Korea. And I hope she can appreciate the sacrifice you made so that you can get to know her. I hope she can find out about the man that I knew when he was here because it would be a shame for her to miss out on that person.

I also hope that when Neeha falls in love, you will do all you can to support her decision, whatever it is. Even if you think it's the wrong decision. Just because you and your wife were cheated, doesn't mean that she should be, too. So please, just try to accept it. Because even though love makes us stupid, it also makes us happy, in a miserable sort of way. And everyone deserves a chance. Don't judge your daughter the way that your family has judged you. If you did that, our relationship would really be a wasted experience.

And I'm sure that my father is thanking you right now. Because for the first time, I really feel like I can forgive him for all the mistakes he made when I was a child. For the first time, I feel like I can understand what he was up against. So even though we aren't together anymore, maybe we have both managed to salvage a relationship- strangely me with my father and you with your daughter...I guess we should be thankful for that.

I can't tell you how much it breaks my heart to try and accept this situation. Just when I think I'm doing okay, I get swept up in a torrent of emotion and when that happens, I know that I just have to ride it out. I miss you terribly. And for some stupid reason, I still hold onto the glimmer of hope that something in this situation will change. But don't worry, I don't have any expectation that it will, and I'm doing my best to put us behind me, no matter how much I don't like it.

It just feels so unfair because before you, I could never imagine actually trying to spend my life with a person. And now I just can't imagine trying to live without you. I'm not sure how to fill the emptiness that I feel now that you're no longer a part of my life. I can't imagine finding another person who could take your place. Maybe I'm just destined to be a lonely wanderer forever.

Anyway, I hope your beautiful daughter is helping to fill the void in your life. At least you have her to come home to everyday....

As always, your jaan

I've been getting over it

2008-01-27T10:02:00.001-05:00

I'm back in Korea. I've been back for nearly a month.

Well, the drama that has been my life for the last 2 years is nearly over. When I came back to Korea, I learned that Masum, through some feat of emotional blackmail on the part of his family, decided that he couldn't divorce his wife because he would lose not only his daughter, but his whole family. I'm totally at loss. I just can't understand the situation and my only consolation is that he sounds absolutely miserable. Maybe that sounds awful for me to say, but really, my heart is totally broken and if I thought he was actually happy with the situation, I would really be questioning why I ever tried sticking with him in the first place. I guess I'm questioning that anyway, but you know, him being miserable makes the question a little easier for me to answer.

I guess I was really angry at him. But now I just feel really sad. I'm sad because his family didn't even try to understand. They don't seem to care about his happiness at all; all that matters is his obligation to his family. I feel angry that I remain so powerless in the situation and that no amount love makes a difference. Culture and family are forces that love just can't compete with in this situation. I mean even the Bangladeshi friends who know me said that he should ditch me for his wife and do whatever his mother told him to do.

I feel totally pathetic because I'm still holding onto some lingering hope that he'll change his mind and tell his family to get over it. And that after he does that, his family will eventually forgive him and at least accept the situation even if they don't like it. But I know deep down that it'll never happen and it's a waste of time to fantasize about being with him again. But it's just so hard because it wasn't so long ago that we were talking about marriage and babies and where we'd want to live. He asked me to help him figure out how he could get a visa and a job in another country, and I did that. I had a plan. Actually I had lots of plans, all he had to do was divorce his wife.

And now I'm just trying to figure out what to do with myself. I've spent so much time over the last two years making plans that include Masum that now I feel a little bit overwhelmed with the fact that the world is wide open and that he isn't part of the plan anymore. Honestly, I don't even want to think about that reality, but that's what it is now. I've been falling apart for the last month and now I'm trying to put the pieces back together, but I don't even know where to begin.

I only have a month left in Korea. I bought my plane ticket outta here last week and that has done a lot for my mental state. And I didn't just buy any ticket. I'm going to Nepal for a month before I return to America because frankly the thought of returning to Vermont in the dead of winter with no job and nothing to do is depressing.

Add to that the fact that I have a lot of anxiety about finding work in Vermont in the first place because low wage jobs and boredom is kind of what drove me to Korea. I feel really strange about the prospect of returning to America "forever". I guess that for the last few years, I've pictured myself living outside of the US sort of indefinitely and the prospect of forever in any place makes me feel a little antsy. Especially without Masum. I guess for the last few years I've always just considered my home to be wherever he is, whether that's Bangladesh, or somewhere in the US or even in Cuba or South America... And now, well, home seems to be Vermont whether I like it or not.

And it's not that I don't like it, it's just that, well, I haven't really considered the fact that I would be living there again. And while I'm really happy and excited to be surrounded by family and friends again, I'm really depressed about the fact that I'm alone and that the only person that I've ever really thought I would want to spend my life with won't be there to share it with me.

God, I really miss him. He's been gone for more than two months and I've thrown everything of his out of the house, but I still feel his absence constantly...

but, I guess I'm getting over it. I hope.

Life is so unfair.

Bullets of a Happy Reunion

2007-12-22T07:48:00.001-05:00

* NSLS is so cute with her preggy belly. And still sassy as ever. Her stomach did poke me when I tried to hug her, but I think it was just the baby's way of trying to get to know me.

*The Kid can play the guitar. I mean actually play. He sounds like a dang rock and roll star. And he is self-taught. When did kids get so darn smart?

*Bro-in-Law remains funny and friendly. It's so nice to have nice people come into the family. And his sense of humor fits right in. NSLS sure did marry a great guy.

*The RevDrMom and the Kid still have a funny good natured bickery-we-know-each-other-too-well relationship that we all love to hate.

*The birds outside the window don't scare me anymore. I'm not sure about the skunks. Uh, I mean squirrels. What's the difference anyhow?

*Today I made coffee in 4 minutes flat.

*Last night we had a good old fashioned let's make fun of our fathers session which started when the kid got a package from his father and remarked, "It's probably a mail bomb." To which we all burst out laughing. When he opened it, it turned out that his father sent him a newspaper for Christmas, which he took pretty well given our cheap dad jokes. The "let's make fun of our fathers session" is somewhat mandatory so that we can stave off any Christmas depression about how bad our relationships with our fathers actually are.

*Happy Christmas!

In America

2007-12-20T10:42:00.000-05:00

Today I blog from the RevDrMom's computer in what is not really my hometown, but a home of sorts. It took me a bit longer to get here than I had anticipated (26 grueling hours with more than 6 security checks, 4 airports, two taxis, and finally a bus and middle seats on airplanes between fat people the whole way the added bonus of 4 obnoxious teenagers who truly believed in their own hilarity and wished to share it with everyone with a 4 aisle radius), but I am here and it is a relief.

It shocked me a little this morning when I turned on the computer and found myself staring at birds and squirrels who are feeding right outside the window. It's been a long time since I've even seen a squirrel and the only birds I ever catch sight of in Korea are magpies, but that is always from a distance. And the size of the kitchen has confounded my efforts at obtaining breakfast. I feel confused by the amount of food and the various options for cooking it. It took me an hour to get the coffee made and I'm not sure that I'll figure out what to do for breakfast before lunch time arrives. But man am I starving.

When my mom and brother picked me up, I couldn't even recognize my brother who has grown a foot and long hair, not to mention a (dare I say?) deep voice and childishly adult heir about him. The very pregnant NSLS will arrive with her lovely hubby tomorrow night sometime and then I'm sure the real reunion will begin.

I honestly wanted to cry when I saw my mother last night. It hasn't felt so good to hug a person in a long time. I don't know how I'm going to get the courage to return to lonely Korea, if only for two months to finish up my contract and pack up my stuff to return.

I can finally say that it feels good to be home.

And by the way, Masum is home and fine for the time being. He still has quite a lot of family issues to deal with, but that could take weeks for me to process so hold tight if you are waiting for an update to the illegal immigrant love story.

2007-12-17T06:15:00.002-05:00

woman warrior --

[noun]:

A level headed person who always makes the wrong decision

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Deported

2007-12-13T00:22:00.002-05:00

Masum was deported this morning. No phone calls. Nothing. I still haven't heard from him, I just know that he's not in jail anymore. Hopefully I'll get a call from him soon.

Out of Hope

2007-12-12T08:07:00.001-05:00

So today the High Court officially refused to hear the appeal for Masum, Kajiman and Raju's release. Which means we are pretty much out of legal avenues to fight for their release. I heard from a Nepalese friend today that Raju and Kajiman have both been cleared by the Nepalese embassy for travel and it looks like they will probably be gone by tomorrow. Masum's situation is still unclear. He spoke to Bangladeshi embassy officials today and they haven't issued papers for him yet, although that could also happen tomorrow. There is just isn't a basis for them to say no any longer.

Unfortunately they will all probably just disappear without being able to make any phone calls, so we won't know that they are gone for sure until they find phones in whatever countries they have lay-overs in.

It's still hard for me to believe that I might not ever see Masum again. It really pisses me off that our last moments together were in a jail visitation room with glass and steel between us. I'm still really afraid about what will happen to him when he arrives in Bangladesh and if it's bad, I wonder how I'll ever find out about it. It's the uncertainty of everything that is hard. And hoping for anything to actually work out is scary.

Paranoia? Not if they are really out to get you!

2007-12-11T09:43:00.001-05:00

So I'm feeling extremely paranoid these days. I have dreams about police knocking down my door. I have a tendency to look around on the subway and buses to see if anyone might be following me. I watch anyone with radios (the kind you can talk on) like a hawk even if they don't look like cops. And speaking of cops, there about a million of them on my street and and I stare them down and watch their every movement as I walk down the street.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Masum was arrested right outside our front door. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the Korean government must know absolutely everything about my life. Maybe it's due to the fact that Masum has been interrogated about me two times in less than a week. Yes. Two times. Less than a week.

So the first time wasn't really an interrogation. The guards at the Cheongju prison were prying in a rather light way about who I am. And maybe that was nothing, but they asked an awful lot of personal questions about me. I should clarify. They asked Masum an awful lot of questions about his relationship to me, how we met, what I do... Masum didn't really answer any of the questions and joked it off.

But yesterday, there was an official interrogation which lasted for about three hours. Government officials, probably from the Ministry of Justice (although they never clearly identified themselves), came to the jail to "interview" all of the MTU officials. Obviously, I was not the only thing they asked about. But most of the questions were rather personal in nature. And a good deal of the questions were about me: What is my involvement in MTU? When did I meet Masum? How long did we live together? Where do I work? Whom do I consort with? But of course, they must know the answers to many of those questions already. My visa is tied to my work place- since I am legal here, they would have to be really stupid to not know where I work and live. And they followed Masum around for a while so of course they know he lived with me... Again, he refused to answer any those questions.

Masum said that the tone wasn't actually threatening, although I have to tell you, I feel quite threatened. Why are they asking questions about me? Am I in some sort of political danger now because of my associations? When I come back from my Christmas vacation in America, are they going to let me into the country again? Are they going to do something weird like fine me and revoke my visa (although I don't know how they could actually legally do that as I haven't broken any law).

I know this is paranoia. Really, I know that. But why do they have to go and be like that? I'm not doing anything to them so they should just leave me out of it. But if they want to fuck with me, I say bring it because I'm all kind of ready to get up in their face with my annoying, obnoxious American privilege. It's bad enough that my boyfriend is a political prisoner (really, Amnesty International designated Masum, Raju and Kajiman prisoners of conscience a couple of weeks ago), but they really don't want to pick a fight with me, too... I know, I know. It's just paranoia.

But is it??

(I should add that they tone of the "interview" may have been more threatening to Raju(VP) and Kajiman (president). Masum said that they both looked broken and defeated when they finished their interrogations, although he hasn't really had time to talk to either of them about it. (They are roomed separately.) I suggested that they might file human rights abuses, but Masum said he wants to talk to Raju and Kajiman to see how they are holding up....)

A Rant~ For Lelin

2007-12-11T08:54:00.001-05:00

The Korean government just can't stop their repressive, abusive and threatening behavior. They seem an awful lot like an abusive spouse. They say they want foreigners to come here. Indeed, the government and the corporations who woo us give us mighty financial incentives to come here. They lure foreigners- 3D workers and English teachers alike- with the dream of financial and job security, a place to live, a visa and sometimes even plane tickets and signing bonuses. But once we get here, we find we are shackled to jobs we hate, with no rights and little or no opportunity to leave them, lest we lose everything we came here for in the first place. And then when we are brave enough to quit, we lose our visas and try to make it anyway. But then we are punished...

We are punished for trying to realize the things that were promised to us. We are hunted, followed, sometimes beaten by police or bosses, verbally abused and forced to leave the country. In short, we are made to feel that foreigners are merely a resource to be used up. We are not valued for our contribution to the Korean economy. We are not valued for our role in expanding the cultural horizons of the Koreans we meet. We are not appreciated in any way. Yet the Korean government pays decent lip service to building a new multicultural Korea. This, they are very good at. So while they break our backs in the workplace and send us into hiding from immigration officials, they celebrate us in cultural festivals which showcase fresh off the boat migrants who haven't yet had a chance for their dreams to turn into nightmares.

The whole charade is quite disgusting...Yet we can't stop coming here because as desperate as we are to have dignity in our workplaces, we are probably more desperate to have money to send to our families, to deal with our debt, to save for our futures... And so we continue to allow Korea, and other labor importing countries to abuse us for a small fee.

When are we going to end this? When are we going to stand up and say, "Enough!"? It's time for workers from developing countries to end the abusive relationships with bully countries like Korea. I don't mean stop working in them, but to meet them on the same level. Because they have something that we need, but those countries need us, too. Let's use our strength as workers to demand our rights... (* Man, at moments like this, I really want to call a general strike! If only people would follow me!)

*This was written for my Bangladeshi friend, Lelin, who keeps asking me to write something for his Bangladeshi newspaper. He asked me to write about my experience in Korea, yet I find that my personal experience in Korea is inextricably linked to the experiences of migrant workers in Korea. And so I don't really have anything to say about my life in Korea without talking about the lives of my friends who experience, in all seriousness, the same abuse from their employers as women who find themselves in abusive relationships. And today I just happened to feel enough anger to write a productive rant about why I dislike Korea so intensely. And I feel the same way about America, although I don't think American attitudes towards migrants or immigrants is as monolithic as they are here in Korea.

* I will probably add more to this article later. And I'll edit before I give to him. So if you have suggestions on how to improve my wildly angry writing, by all means, leave a comment...

Helping Update

2007-12-06T09:42:00.000-05:00

There are no public email addresses for government officials, so faxing is still the only way to go. But if you can't get to a fax machine for international purposes, by all means please send a letter to KCTU and let them know you sent it directly to them and they should forward it to the Korean government. It's better than nothing. So here's the sample letter one more time, along with KCTU's email and the MOJ's fax number.

inter@kctu.org

Minister of Justice: Minister Jung Seong-Jin +82-2-503-3532 or +82-2-500-9128.

Sample Letter:
Mr. Jung Seong-Jin
Minister of Justice
Seoul, South Korea

Dear Minister Jung,

On the morning of November 27 between 9:00 and 9:30, the president, vice president and general secretary of the KCTU affiliate, Seoul-Gyeonggi-Incheon Migrants’ Trade Union, were arrested, each in front of his separate home or workplace. This event has already received international attention. It is clear from the form in which the arrests took place that this was a targeted crackdown meant to silence MTU and the opposition struggle it has lead against the anti-human rights crackdown being carried out against undocumented migrants in South Korea.

That this was a meditated act of repression is also apparent from the fact that the arrests came at the same time as the South Korean Immigration Control Office is stepping up its crackdown and a proposal is being put forth the revise immigration law to make it possible to carry out the crackdown continuously with complete disregard for the most basic procedures to protect human rights.The arrests of the MTU leadership is a gross violation of human rights and a horrendous act of labor repression which targets not only migrant workers and MTU but also the KCTU, the 15 million workers it represents and the international labor community.

As such, we will not remain silent.We therefore forcefully call on you to meet the following demands:

-Immediately release President Kajiman, Vice President Raju and General Secretary Masum!
-Stop the targeted crackdown and labor repression against MTU!
-Stop the crackdown and deportation of undocumented migrant workers!

Signed,

Amnesty International Prisoner of Conscience

2007-12-06T09:34:00.001-05:00

A.I. has designated Masum, Raju and Kajiman prisoners of conscience. You can read about them here.

They are doing okay, but it is still unclear how long they'll be in jail. I'll be going back to Cheongju tomorrow night for a Saturday morning visit.

Ain't No Sunshine When He's Gone

2007-12-02T02:24:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I was able to see Masum (his name is all over the place- no point in using a pseudonym anymore) at the Cheongju Detention Center. We had about 30 minutes together, which I shared with 4 of my closest Korean friends, and he shared with the president and vice-president of the union. That's a lot of people in room for only 30 minutes of face time. But of course, we weren't all in the same room because he and the other two guys were separated from us by metal bars that had a thick layer of glass on either side.

Honestly, Masum looked better yesterday than I've seen him looking in months. When we first met, there was something about him that always stuck with me- the sparkle in his eyes, his mischievous grin, his ability laugh at himself in any situation, his almost child-like open and warm heart. But the last year has been really hard on both of us. The gleam was gone from his eyes, his energy sapped by crisis after crisis, his playful spirit had withered. But yesterday even though he was sitting in a stupid looking jail track suit behind bars and glass, he could still charm the pants off of everyone in the room. The old Masum was back. And I fell in love with him all over again.

It seems that everyone from MTU is being treated really well in jail. They have visitors everyday, decent food, warm clothes, access to a phone, television... They all joked about feeling like they were on vacation, seemed cheerful, maybe even relaxed. Masum and Raju, true to both of their personal styles, have made friends with almost everyone they come into contact with, including many of the guards who are young guys fulfulling the Korean government's military service requirements.

When I talked to Masum on the phone today, however, the mood seemed to change. He said that everyone feels tense because it seems that the government is going to try and forcibly deport them, maybe without any notice to friends or loved ones here in Korea. I don't know exactly how it works, but it seems as though the Korean government is trying to arrange consent from the Bangladeshi and Nepalese embassies, even if they don't have passports, personal belongings or money to buy a plane ticket. It seems possible now that at least two of them could be gone as soon as Wednesday, if not the end of the week.

Masum continues to be very worried about what will happen to him when he arrives in Bangladesh. His personal situation aside, there is a chance that the Korean government will encourage the kind of political harassment that they did to Anwar (the first MTU president who was in jail for more than a year in Korea) when he went home last August. Anwar was detained in Singapore by immigration authorities for questioning (even though he only had a layover there) and then when he arrived in Bangladesh, he was jailed for more than 24 hours and then put on probation for participating in activities abroad that undermine the Bangladeshi state. Anwar has had a few run-ins with Bangladeshi authorities since his return, and only now does it seem that his life is returning to normal. Add to that the fact that most of the MTU activists who have returned to Bangladesh have been stripped of their passports and are not allowed to travel abroad. Which for us, makes for a nearly impossible situation.

So today I am charged with the duty of trying to pack Masum's bag to take home. He really doesn't have that much stuff, but I have no idea what he wants as he hasn't made any specific requests about personal effects. I'm really having trouble doing it. As I started cleaning out the closet, the reality of him not being here with me anymore really started to sink in. I'm not sure if I'm ready to do it, even though it has to be done today. It's hard to see his stuff laying around our house, but I think it'll be even harder with his stuff gone. I don't want to erase the evidence of our life here together. Especially because Masum has been one of the defining parts of my life in Korea. He was one of the first people I met here, it was he introduced me to most of the people that I know. With exception to my work, he has been a part of nearly everything and every relationship I have here.

I'm trying to be more positive about what will happen when Masum goes back to Bangladesh. I have no idea what the cultural or political reality is there, but some Bangladeshi friends have let on that things may not be as serious as we once thought. There is nothing I can do but hope that Mahbub is right, that his personal situation has been exaggerated by emotion and is nothing more than a threat. I'm afraid of hoping too much, but for now it's better than thinking about the fact that we may never see each other again.

In the meantime, on Masum's request, I'm researching the possibilities for emigrating to another country that will be activist-exile-friendly. I don't know if he would be eligible for any kind of refugee status, but I suppose it wouldn't hurt to look into the possibility. There has got to be some country that will take us-- poor, tired and weary...

Cuba, anyone?

if you want to help the GS and our other friends:

2007-11-29T08:46:00.000-05:00

This is the official appeal from the Migrants' Trade Union. Scroll to the bottom to find a sample letter and people to send it to. Please be sure to mention Kajiman (president), Raju (vice-president) and Masum (General Secretary/my partner) in any letter you write. They've all been torn away from their lives here in Korea in nearly identical circumstances. Thanks to anyone who decides to send a letter.
************************************************************************************
Urgent Call for International Solidarity

Migrants' Trade Union Leadership Arrested on November 27th.
Stop the Repression against KCTU affiliate Migrants' Trade Union!
Free President Kajiman and other Imprisoned Union Officers!
Stop the Crackdown and Deportations!

1. Background

On the morning of November 27, MTU President Kajiman, Vice President Raju and General Secretary Masum were arrested, in what was clearly a targeted crackdown against the leadership of MTU. We, the KCTU and the Seoul-Gyeonggi-Incheon Migrants' Trade Union call on the international labor and human rights community to do whatever in their power to secure the release of the MTU leadership and end this labor repression against MTU.
At roughly 9:20am on November 27, President Kajiman was leaving his home in order to attend a plan protest in front of Seoul Immigration Office when he was confronted by more than 10 immigration officers who had been hiding in front of his house. The immigration officers restrained the Korean activist with President Kajiman and then encircled the president. After protesting strongly, President Kajiman was eventually arrested, his shoulder hurt in the process.
General Secretary Masum also left his house the morning of the 27 in order to attend the protest in front of Seoul Immigration. As he walked down the street he was passed by four 4 large men who were laughing amongst themselves. He originally did not pay attention to them; however, immediately after roughly 10 immigration officers came up from behind him. He was suddenly surrounded by nearly 20 people and despite protesting was eventually arrested.
At roughly the same time Vice President Raju was confronted by 4 immigration officers in front of the factory where he worked. Upon seeing the vice president, the immigration officers immediately attempted to handcuff him, but failed due to his forceful protest. When Vice President Raju demanded to see the officers' identification cards, they presented them along with a prepared detention order. Despite his protests the vice president was also eventually arrested.
Soon after all three men were sent to a detention center in Cheongju, Northern Choongjeong Provience, south of the capital Seoul.

2. Clear Labor Repression

The simultaneous arrest of three MTU leaders, is a clearly a targeted attack, planed in timing with an intensification of the crackdown against undocumented migrants in South Korea. Since the beginning of August of this year, the government has carried out a mass-scale crackdown in an attempt to reduce the number of undocumented migrants in the country. During this time more than 20 MTU members and officers have been arrested.
By their own admission, despite this crackdown, the numbers have not significantly decreased. Thus, Immigration Control has stepped up the crackdown in the last several weeks. At the same time a proposal is being put forth to revise South Korea's immigration law to make it completely legal to carry out the crackdown continuously without any procedures, such as requiring warrants or detention orders, to protect the human rights of the people it targets. The government has clearly stepped up its repression against MTU leadership at this moment in order to get rid of the force that has been at the forefront of the struggle against the crackdown.

3. Call for Solidarity

We, the Korean Confederation of Trade Unions and affiliate the Seoul-Gyeonggi-Incheon Migrants' Trade Union, make an urgent appeal to you to do whatever you can to support our struggle to free the arrested union leaders and end the barbaric crackdown underway in South Korea.

In particular we are calling for protest letters to the Ministry of Justice, Minister Jung Seong-Jin +82-2-503-3532 or +82-2-500-9128.

Please be sure to send a copy to KCTU by +82-2-2635-1134(fax) or e-mail at inter@kctu.org

We wish you also to know that KCTU and MTU are by no means deterred by this attack. MTU has already selected a temporary leadership and we have already planned protests for the next days. We are currently making further preparations and will mobilize every means possible to win the release of MTU's leaders.

If you have any questions or need more information, please contact:

Lee Changgeun
International Executive Director
Korean Confederation of Trade Unions
Tel.: +82-2-2670-9234 Fax: +82-2-2635-1134
E-mail: inter@kctu.org Web-site : http://kctu.org
2nd Fl. Daeyoung Bld., 139 Youngdeungpo-2-ga, Youngdeungpo-ku, Seoul 150-032 Korea

Liem Wol-san
International Coordinator
Seoul-Gyeonggi-Incheon Migrants' Trade Union(MTU)-affiliated to KCTU
Tel : +82-2--2285-6068
Email: migrant@jinbo.net Website: http://mtu.or.kr

SAMPLE LETTER

Mr. Jung Seong-Jin
Minister of Justice
Seoul, South Korea

Dear Minister Jung,

On the morning of November 27 between 9:00 and 9:30, the president, vice president and general secretary of the KCTU affiliate, Seoul-Gyeonggi-Incheon Migrants' Trade Union, were arrested, each in front of his separate home or workplace. This event has already received international attention. It is clear from the form in which the arrests took place that this was a targeted crackdown meant to silence MTU and the opposition struggle it has lead against the anti-human rights crackdown being carried out against undocumented migrants in South Korea. That this was a meditated act of repression is also apparent from the fact that the arrests came at the same time as the South Korean Immigration Control Office is stepping up its crackdown and a proposal is being put forth the revise immigration law to make it possible to carry out the crackdown continuously with complete disregard for the most basic procedures to protect human rights.

The arrests of the MTU leadership is a gross violation of human rights and a horrendous act of labor repression which targets not only migrant workers and MTU but also the KCTU, the 15 million workers it represents and the international labor community. As such, we will not remain silent.

We therefore forcefully call on you to meet the following demands:
-Immediately release President Kajiman, Vice President Raju and General Secretary Masum!
-Stop the targeted crackdown and labor repression against MTU!
-Stop the crackdown and deportation of undocumented migrant workers!

Signed,

2007-11-28T08:14:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a day full of fear, terror and tears. The thing we always knew could happen in Korea finally came to be. The GS was arrested.

The General Secretary, by some miracle, left our house early yesterday so that he could get ready for the day's event-- a protest at the Immigration Office and Detention Center. We said our goodbyes and I got in the shower. About 30 minutes later, I got an urgent call from a friend asking the whereabouts of the GS. "Uh, on the bus, I think." "But you don't know?" said the friend. "No." Very pregnant pause. "Well, we know that Raju and Kajiman were arrested this morning. Raju at his workplace and Kajiman in front of his house. And, uh, the GS turned off his phone." "What do you mean he turned off his phone? He was on it just before he walked out the door." "It's off. I think he was arrested too, but no one knows for sure yet." End of conversation.

I am panicking. I haven't even left the house yet. I try to call the GS and indeed, his phone is off. I try 5 more times anyhow, all with the same result. About 10 minutes later, another phone call. "Where is the GS?" "Fuck! I don't know where the GS is. I was hoping you would tell me." "I don't know. I'll call you when I have more news." By this time I had reached the bus stop. And I'm sobbing.

Ten minutes later, another call. "Did you see the GS this morning? We don't know where he is." "Goddammit, I know that already. How come he hasn't called anyone yet? Why didn't he call me?" "I don't know. I'll call you when we know something." By this time, I'm at school.

My phone continued to ring for the next two hours. And each time, the conversation was virtually the same. Finally, after lunch, I received a call with news of his whereabouts: Cheongju. That's not in Seoul. It's not even the same province as Seoul. Fifteen officers arrested him yesterday morning outside of our front door while I was in the shower and whisked him away to a minimum security jail that is really difficult to get to.

Finally at about 3 o'clock, there was a message on my phone from the GS himself. He called to apologise for getting arrested. And to tell me where he was. And to say that maybe when we kissed each other goodbye this morning, it was our last kiss. And that he hopes he gets to see me again, but he's not sure.

Here's the creepy part: They had been following us. And watching us. For a while. No one knows where we live. No one. Most of our friends didn't even know that we moved. They brought a female translator to deal with me. The called the GS by his full Bangladeshi name. That's like 5 really long strange sounding words. The GS takes medication for his stomach and cholesterol and when he got to the jail, they already had it prepared for him. I reckon they know a lot more about both of us that they just haven't had any reason to disclose it yet. It was the same story with Kajiman and Raju, who are, by the way, the other two elected leaders of the Migrants' Trade Union.

And here's where we get to the part about how I feel. Like shit, that's how. I'm pissed off at Korea. I am so angry that this morning as I was walking to work, I stopped to berate two of the conscripted police officers on my street. I stood there shouting wildly at them, shaking my finger in their faces, swearing up and down, crying. I left only when I felt like my anger was about to turn violent. I feel nothing but contempt for this country at the moment and I feel like lashing out constantly at anyone- everyone- that has any power over me.

I'm afraid. I don't know what will happen to the GS. How long will he stay in jail? What will happen to him when he goes back to Bangladesh? Will I ever see him without a 6 inch glass barrier between us again? What will happen to us?

I'm heartbroken. Maybe more than heartbroken.I don't even know how to describe it. I have been choking on my tears for the last two days. I cried myself to sleep and then starting crying again as soon as woke up and noticed his absence. I burst into tears in the middle of a class or when I'm sitting on the bus. I can't control it. I just can't even begin to express how unfair this all feels. It makes me crazy. I just want to beat the shit out of someone. I want to make them feel as much physical pain as I feel emotional pain. I want take their loved ones and lock them away in jail. I want to ruin their lives. Whoever the hell they are. Bunch of fucking faceless cowards who never have to look us in the eye as they're fucking us over.

Everyone keeps saying that we are lucky that the GS wasn't beaten up by the police. We're lucky that they are taking every precaution to protect his rights. We're lucky that he's not in Hwaseong where the facilities are really bad, the guards are pricks and the rooms are freezing. We're lucky because he has access to phone twice a day. Well, pardon if me if I cynically add that you are right, the gods are really smiling on us now. We are lucky.

I'll be going to Cheongju on Friday night so I can make visiting hours Saturday morning. I guess I'm also lucky that I'll get to see my partner through 6 inch glass one last time before he gets deported.

Mug Meme

2007-11-25T00:54:00.000-05:00

I saw this at RevDrMom's. Coincidentally, these are the only 5 cups I own:

a gift from a student

another gift: "Have good health"

courtesy of my friend smell

i think that's a penis~ it came from a GLBTQ group in Korea

"another little priend~ Toto and Mimi. I watch them."

"Thinking of Mimi, Toto pick up acorns. Toto and Mime like sweet mushrooms."

2007-11-24T10:19:00.000-05:00

I really thought that I was okay with missing Thanksgiving this year... until I read my mom's post about it. And while I'm happy that everyone was able to get together to have fun and eat what sounds like incredible food, I can't help but feel that same twinge of jealousy that hit me last year when NSLS, RevDrMom, the Kid and the wonderful in-laws gathered together for Christmas and then video skyped me. Sometimes, I would just rather not know what I'm missing, that's all.

I hope that one day I'm surrounded by happy people doing things that make them feel good instead of a bunch of cynical depressed people who have nothing better to do than make fun of how pathetic the next one of us is, which is how I spend my most of my days in Korea now. It can't be good for my outlook...

Steal Something Day

2007-11-23T06:35:00.000-05:00

An interesting alternative to Buy Nothing Day

This has been making the rounds on Facebook. Actually, I'm not a Facebook member, but everyone I work with is addicted to it, so I heard about it from them. Reminds me of the anarchist pals I hang out with back home, so this is posted half out of nostalgia, half out of the fact that I kind of like the idea of it... An entertaining proposition in the movement to bring down Global Capitalism.

I wonder how many people will take it seriously?

Thanks...

2007-11-22T08:46:00.000-05:00

I read in the newspaper this morning that today is Thanksgiving. I forgot. Actually, I thought it might be next week. So in a moment of teaching brilliance, I deftly changed my lesson plans to include that little cultural gem we Americans call being thankful.

And what do you know? My kids were really good at it. They got a little side tracked when one of the kids mentioned that his daddy smokes and mommy yells at daddy and "every every day to him I say 'don't smoke!'" All of the other kids nodded in agreement and then held up their hands to tell stories about how their daddies smoke, too. I got them back on track by saying that I was thankful for such smart students who give me love and hard work every day. And you know what? It's true.

I'm also thankful for the woman I share my classroom with, Monica. She is a great teacher and we really do work well together. she's a good listener who doesn't gossip or say bad things about other teachers at our school, which I really respect. Especially because I always gossip and say bad things about at least 2 other teachers.

And you know what else I'm thankful for? Pecan pie. I told Monica about how it's my favorite and my mom makes it for me every year in America because she knows that I don't really like other kinds of pie. So you know what she did? She went out and bought me a pecan pie. And told me not to share it with anyone! (Actually, I have no idea when she had time to do that because she's always in the classroom, well we both are, so this feat was nothing short of a miracle and she didn't even know it was Thanksgiving until we were already in the classroom.) Isn't Monica amazing?

Well Family, I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving. I am thinking of you and feeling oh-so thankful that I'll being seeing you in just a few weeks. NSLS, have a safe drive back home. I saw that it's been snowy there this week and couldn't help but think about that little baby girl in your belly. Happy Thanksgiving!

Best Gift. Ever.

2007-11-21T07:59:00.001-05:00

Today I received my first Christmas gift. That's right, Christmas. And it was the Best. Gift. Ever. If I were talking to you, I would want you to guess about what it is just so I could say, "Nope." "Not that." "Try again." So you want a hint, right?

Does that help? Well, I had to use my dictionary to figure out what it was. I mean, it looks like it might be a pot. And it kind of is. 고급 means high class. And 요강? That one means commode or chamber pot. So you see, I got a high class chamber pot. Amazing, right? Here's what it looks like out of the box:

The best thing about it (besides the fact that it is a classy chamber pot, of course)? It's stainless steel.

Definitely gonna use that one...

and just like that

2007-11-20T09:02:00.001-05:00

it was winter.

Well, Fall ended before anyone had time to enjoy it around here. It seemed like the leaves were golden and dropped to the street in the same week, and yesterday it snowed. Well, I didn't really think it snowed because where I come from whatever it was falling from the sky would've never qualified as the season's first real snow, but everybody here thought it was so I guess majority takes it. Anyhow, yesterday we had this kind of semi-frozen icy rain which occasionally looked like snow as it was falling, but never stuck to the ground. And I had to walk home in it in high heels. I know, weird right? I was wearing high heels yesterday. For like the second time in a year. So my feet were cold and wet and whatever that was falling from the sky definitely wasn't snow.

But this morning, I had this view of the city buses from the like the 3rd floor of a building, and the bright green locals looked kind of iridescent because of the icy sheen from lasts night's frozen rain. It was pretty cool.

And tonight at dusk as I walked down the no-longer yellow brick road, I noticed that the ginkgo trees were had nothing more than their berries hanging off their branches, and the persimmon trees have only bright orange persimmons hanging by their little stems, which actually looked kind of garish because the orange is so bright and and everything else is only brown and grey. Kind of look a tired hooker with paper grey skin and bright red lipstick.

And thus ends my stream of consciousness.

bulleted lists are for uncohesive thoughts

2007-11-19T07:52:00.001-05:00

I was thinking yesterday about what I was like when I graduated from college. That was almost 8 years ago now, and at that time I thought somehow I was going to do something important to change the world. I was a good student and all of my professors were quite fond of me. I think it's safe to say that they expected a lot from me. I was one of the those young people that made older people feel comfortable about the future.
And now I just kind of wonder what happened to me. After political organizing, union organizing, antiwar activizing, and being involved again with migrant workers and unions in Korea, I just feel tired, cynical and jaded. I don't want to try to change the world anymore. My own life is hard enough to deal with, much less trying to take on any systematic problems.
And that really depresses me. Because it seems that all of those people who expected me to be some kind of amazing person must be disappointed in my ability to be involved in the world any more. And I'm disappointed in myself.
I used to be, well, ambitious. I knew what I wanted and I did it. I always did it. I stood out amongst my peers as a leader, but whenever I actually found myself in a leadership position, I would back out of it or quit. I never trusted myself to make the right decision, and in the end, I was too afraid of making the wrong decision and being held accountable for it.
And now I regret that. If I could manage to get some of that energy back, I would want to take charge. I would want to do it my way. Because I think I know how to do it. But then again, that would require me to actually care about something other than my own life. And for some reason, I don't know if I have the capacity to do that anymore.

Feeling Dap-Dap Hae

2007-11-17T06:49:00.001-05:00

Koreans have this thing that they do when they are feeling exasperated, exhausted, frustrated, misunderstood, confounded, anxious, oppressed, heavy... I list so many adjectives here because there is no good English translation for this word, but this thing that Koreans do, well, I think everyone should do it because it just makes so much sense. They "dap-dap" their chests.

And now you can do it, too. Just ball your right hand into a fist, making sure to keep your thumb on the side of your fist, rather than curled in front of your fingers. Now thump the left side of your chest just above your heart with your right hand in a quasi-King Kong-like manner. It's like you are thumping all of that, uh, stuff, right out of your body.

I have been doing a lot of this lately. Partly because I feel half heart-broken, half numb. Partly because every day I question my future with the GS more and more and wonder if I should just give up now. Or if in fact that my hopeless attitude and half-numb heart will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have been doing this because I can't seem to make decisions about what I should do or where I should go when I'm finished with my teaching contract. I just feel stuck out there in emotional limbo.

And so I'm dap-dap hae. And Dap-daping on my chest feels like an apt expression of all that emotion that I'm not sure how to talk about.

I have nothing to say.

2007-11-16T00:22:00.000-05:00

So instead, look at this cute picture of my class:

Bonus Conversation

2007-11-14T22:39:00.001-05:00

WW: "Ew! look at the air!"

Co-worker: "Oh my god, I can see the air!"

WW: "I know, isn't that gross?"

Fall in the Emerald City

2007-11-13T20:45:00.002-05:00

As I have written about before, Fall in Seoul seem to pass unceremoniously. If you leave the city or manage to make it to a big park, you can easily find places where bursts of color shock your system. I've only noticed the yellow hue of the gingko trees in the last week and was a bit disturbed to find that the sycamores are dropping their leaves without so much as a hint of color.

But last night I found myself walking down a shimmering gold sidewalk at dusk. The wind had blown all the leaves from the trees, and the stone underneath was catching the soft light of the sun and the street lamps which gave the overall appearance of a yellow brick road.

It can get worse. And it does.

2007-11-12T22:29:00.000-05:00

When I'm in a bad mood, the director of the school is in a bad mood, and my supervisor is in a bad mood, none of us should bother to speak. Yesterday, I got my ass chewed for a making what I thought was a rather modest suggestion. Maybe I said it in an offensive way, I don't know, but what I do know is that the rather innocent comment was not worth the 45 minutes of conversations I had to have as a result of it. Lesson: Keep your mouth shut at work. Whatever it is, it's not worth it.

Especially not when the universe is in a particularly spiteful mood, as it has been this year with me and the GS. And on that note, we are rather rocky at the moment, thanks for asking. He is extremely depressed and feeling hopeless. I'm feeling the same and also neglected. We are just an argument waiting to happen, witness last night circa 1am.

I'm tired. I'm grumpy. I don't want to be at work. In fact, the only place I want to be is in bed. And I'm counting the days til I can leave this job for good. And do what? Who the hell knows, but at least it won't be here.

A Quickie

2007-11-11T21:03:00.000-05:00

*Looking forward to going home. Last time I went home, I was filled with anxiety about returning to America, but right now I feel excited- I can't wait to see my family, eat good food, go in a BIG English language bookstore, drive a car, go on a hike, play in the snow (hopefully), drink decent wine...

*The weekend was totally uneventful. It consisted only of eating, cleaning the bathroom, doing laundry and watching TV.

*Is the debt crisis in America going on beyond the sub-prime loan fiasco? If so, I certainly have something to say about that. On another day when I have more time.

*The US dollar is in the toilet. This is actually good for me because it means I'll bring more money home when I come. Although I guess if it continues to suck, I should consider banking in another currency...

*And now it's time for work... I'll try to think of something more interesting tomorrow.

AnyBand "Talk Play Love"

2007-11-11T00:16:00.002-05:00

Goes with the post below.

AnyCrap "Music to Save the World"

2007-11-10T23:20:00.001-05:00

Last night as I lay sleepless in my bed, I flipped through the television channels hoping to find something that would bore me into sleep. Instead, I found something which was utterly irritating and disturbing. On MTV after hours, I saw this:

It's Called Talk, Play Love and hosts a plethora of Korean pop stars under the name "AnyBand."
So what's wrong with that? Well, if you live in South Korea, you know that anything with "Any" in front of a name is owned by Samsung. I, for example, have an "Anycall" phone; there are advertisements for "AnyCar" all over Seoul. Samsung in ubiquitous in South Korea. They own everything from sports teams to life insurance, electronics to construction. They have a banking/credit division and they even own a university. There is nothing that Samsung doesn't do in South Korea. They are the largest conglomerate here and perhaps the largest employer (although I'm not sure about that one).

They are also vehemently anti-union, and anti-worker in general, backing an irregular worker law that allows them to hire a majority of their workers on a contract basis, which in turn prevents the workers from securing basic working rights such as the right to form a trade union, suppresses wages and means that most Korean workers exist without any job security at all.
As I'm sure you can imagine, a company with as much capital as Samsung also exerts and enormous amount of political power. They are, in effect, untouchable here. Most people suspect them of being corrupt, buying favor in parliament and in courts, being involved in mafia outfits and in using thugs to suppress workers who dare protest against their policies.

So back to this video. Why does it piss me off so much? Because it was on MTV. Shown smack in the middle of legitimate music videos. As you can imagine, it was chock full of Samsung products- from computers to speakers and phones. And if you watched the video, you would see that the plot of the story is about rebels in an authoritarian state. A state where everyone is forced to wear the same clothes; where loving, playing and talking is banned. Where there are big brother TV screens monitoring the every move of the people walking in lines on the streets. The message: Samsung's technology will set you free. The irony of this message was a little too much for me.

The implications of this kind of music video worry me. This goes beyond the disgusting product placements that we always see in sitcoms, dramas and movies. This is all about co-optation. Am I being extreme? Well, it should worry us that commercials are being passed off as music videos because it won't be long until other kinds of art and entertainment follow suit.

The Latest

2007-11-10T22:26:00.001-05:00

The GS and his family are appealing the court's decision, so it will still be several weeks (at least) before we have any real answers. The GS seemed more upbeat yesterday, but I'm not sure if I can get on the being hopeful bandwagon. But in the meantime, his daughter is at his family's house, so she and his mother are both feeling much better.

Baek Ji Young - Sarang An Hae (Jung Da Bin MV)

2007-11-10T10:08:00.002-05:00

2007-11-10T03:36:00.000-05:00

I feel empty and drained. I'm going to meet the GS for dinner and the latest news on his situation. More to come tomorrow.

Possible Solutions

2007-11-08T19:49:00.001-05:00

*Bribery

*The Two-State Solution: I summer in Vermont and winter in Bangladesh

*Did I mention bribery?

*Fucking off and forgetting about everything

*Does any country grant asylum for people who are persecuted by their in-laws?

*and that brings us back to bribery- Money really can buy happiness. Maybe.

The Judgement

2007-11-08T00:16:00.001-05:00

The judge found against the GS. He has been ordered to pay US $50,000 or serve jail time. We don't know what the length of the sentence would be yet. Custody of his daughter was awarded to his family, but that is being appealed.

Needless to say, the GS doesn't have $50,000. He doesn't even have a thousand dollars. He would have to borrow money just to fly back to Bangladesh.

He is crushed and defeated. And I'm sitting next to him feeling exactly the same way. How do we move forward?

I won't tempt fate by saying that things can't get worse. Because unfortunately, they almost certainly can.

Day of Reckoning

2007-11-07T00:43:00.000-05:00

Stayed tuned...

Planning Christmas

2007-11-06T03:41:00.002-05:00

Should I spend $240 to go to Orlando for a day and a half to see my grandmother when I'm home for Christmas? Would it be horrible if I didn't go at all?

The problem is that I'm home for so little time. And I imagine visiting my grandmother would also entail staying with my aunt or cousin, which I can't say that I'd be very excited about. Nor would I be excited about being there alone. Nor would I be excited about Florida.

Honestly, I don't really want to go. But I have a whole bunch of guilt. I haven't seen my grandmother for maybe 5 years. ( Actually, I'm not sure, but I think it was at my grandfather's funeral) And well, she's old and moved into a home now and doesn't get around so good, so you know, it's kind of a now or maybe never thing. But our family (as in my mom's family) isn't exactly what you would call close. And honestly, I don't really mind all that much... I just mean that I'm used to it so it doesn't really tear me apart to not see them on a holiday.

And there are a lot of people in Vermont that I'd really like to see.

And what about my older brother? He's engaged now...Where is he going to be?

Why does planning a trip home for Christmas have to entail how everybody I know feels about my homecoming?

Maybe I'm just a rotten and selfish person. I should go...

never a dull moment

2007-11-05T07:39:00.001-05:00

This week. Um right, this week. This is the week. This is the week that decides the fate of the General Secretary and his life in Bangladesh. Well kind of. How should I put this?

The GS is married. Not to me. You knew that right? And he has a daughter. Approximately 12 years old. Well, the GS has been in Korea a long, long time. Long enough to have never met his daughter, and definitely long enough for his marriage to fall apart. Several years ago, he tried to get his wife and daughter to move to Korea. But his mother-in-law wasn't having any of that and they never came. So when it became clear that he wasn't ready to return and his wife wasn't coming here, they decided to call it quits. I think it was pretty mutual, although I, of course, have only heard the story from the GS. So she moved out of his family's home and back into the house with her brothers and mother. That was in October of 2005- when the GS and I were only pals. He seemed tormented about it- not over the possibility of divorce, but over the possibility that he might never get to meet his daughter face to face. At that time, his mother-in-law was merely using his daughter as a bargaining chip- trying to extract whatever money and belongings she could get by dangling a threat over the GS's head. And well, it would have worked except that the GS hasn't held a real job for more than 3 years and there was really no money to be had.

Fast forward to this year. This year, the wife's family decided to sue the GS. For one million dollars. That's right, a million dollars. And we're talking about Bangladesh. A million dollars would've been excessive in America, but in Bangladesh, that's just downright ridiculous.

But that's not all. He's also being charged with spousal neglect. Well, fair enough, I suppose. I mean he has been gone for 12 years. Although frankly, that's common for developing countries where the biggest export is labor. But that's not their problem.The problem is that he didn't turn over a certain percentage of his earnings to his wife. Which I guess is technically true. He was working illegally and Korean law forbids foreigners to send money out of the country unless they can prove that it was earned legally. So he used brokers to send money. Sharks. Who knows how that money gets to Bangladesh, but it definitely isn't by legitimate means. All of that money went to his brother who then distributed it amongst the proper family members. And his wife did live in their house at the time. So, she basically got money, there just isn't any record of it. Tricky.

Anyone know what the penalty for this "neglect" is? Jail time, although we are not sure how much. Could be weeks, months or years depending on the political climate and level of corruption in the courts this week. It might might not be jail time at all. He might just have to work off some absurd debt the good old fashioned way. Whatever it is, we'll know this week. That's right, this week. As in November 7th.

And hey, I'm not saying that the GS was good to his wife. He has made a lot of bad decisions. He has fucked a lot of stuff up. But I do know that he would've never cheated her. And I know that if he had money, he would give it to her, even now. And I know that more than anything, he is afraid of losing his daughter whom he adores even if he's only seen her picture and heard her voice.

The thing about this situation is that so much of it is actually structural. This is where the global economy gets really personal- it is the economy which shaped his decision to come to Korea when his wife was pregnant. And it was for economic reasons that he stayed for so long. And it was because of the injustice of the economy that he started organizing migrant workers trade unions. Now I'm not saying that he has no responsibility in this situation, but so much of it is due to the fact that when you are a migrant from Bangladesh, you are choosing between shit and shit, and even when you stick your nose up in it, it is hard to tell which one smells worse.

We've both been losing sleep over this the last week. Literally. It's really taking a toll on both of us. There are too many possible outcomes in a situation that is totally out of our control. I've had it. If everything doesn't work out this week, I'm not convinced it ever will....

Then where will that leave us? OH jesus am I scared.

bonus conversation re: NSLS

2007-11-04T23:39:00.001-05:00

One of my coworkers always says he wants to have sex with pregnant women. So I asked him if he wanted to have sex with my sister, because well, she is pregnant...

So I showed him this picture and...

...he said, "No! Your sister looks like you!" To which I replied, "Are you saying I look like a pregnant woman?" to which he replied, "No. Well yes. But in a good way. You have the same freckled chest."

"Are you sure that's what you mean?" I asked.

Fumbling ensued.

Result: I actually look like a pregnant woman.

Moral of the story: never ask a coworker if he wants to have sex with your pregnant sister.

Halloween

2007-11-04T03:05:00.001-05:00

I made about half of the kids cry on Halloween because I was so darn scary. They don't really have Halloween in Korea and most people think it's for looking pretty. So all of the little girls came in dressed like a princess, Belle or Beauty and most of the little boys came in dressed like spiderman. That's alright I guess, but we only had about 3 kids who actually tried to be scary- a werewolf, a devil, and a... well, there were a lot of cute witches I guess. It was an awful lot of work so such an unimportant holiday. We had an all day party. I never want to do Halloween again! Check it out:

in which i prove that i am still inept in korean

2007-11-03T21:56:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, I got up early and was out at the bus stop by eight o'clock. I was on my way to visit a good Nepalese friend at the immigration detention center in Hwaseong. Hwaseong is a really small city more than two hours from Seoul, and home to a rather large holding facility for undocumented workers, perhaps owing to the fact that the city and surrounding areas are also a magnet for industries that employ undocumented folks. I had to reach Hwaseong by 11 in order to make visiting hours, and I thought that leaving at 8 would get me there with time to spare.

So, bus stop, 8 am. No bus. At least not the one I need to get me to line number one. I waited 20 minutes and then hailed a taxi.

Seoul Station 8:45 am. I get down to the platform and wait for the express train. For 15 minutes. It doesn't come and no longer makes sense for me to take it. I get on the slow train.

Suwon Station 9:45. I still have plenty of time. I used to live in this city and know where all of the bus stops are. I just have to figure out which one I need. I ask for help (in Korean). But here's the rub. In Suwon, there is an old fortress by the same name of the city I want to go to, so every time I ask for directions, people think I'm a confused tourist and try to send me to the local buses, which I know are wrong. I get to what I think is the right bus stop, find the bus which goes to Hwaseong and before swiping my bus card ask the driver if I'm going in the right direction. He says no, go to the other side of the street. I think he's wrong, but I go anyway, wait another 10 minutes for the next 999 and then ask the bus driver on that side. He, again, tells me I'm wrong and sends me to the other side. By this time, I've visited 4 of 6 bus stops and it is 10:25. The General Secretary isn't answering his phone and I can't find anyone who can actually give me useful information about where to go. So I am, predictably, angry. Really angry. Angry at my shitty Korean. Angry at all of the idiot Koreans who think I'm just a stupid tourist and don't bother to listen to what I am actually saying. Angry with the bus drivers who should know their damn bus routes and who shouldn't dismiss me just because I have funny accent when I speak Korean. Angry at the GS for not answering the phone to help me. Just angry.

10:30 am. Still in Suwon. There was no way I could get there in time. The bus, if I could ever get on one, was going to take another 40 minutes. I gave up. I was tired. And hungry. And on the verge of tears. I got a coffee and got back on the train to Seoul. On the train, the GS called me and told me that, actually, he was wrong, I had until 12 to get there. But by this time it was too late. I was already leaving.

12:20 pm. I arrive at City Hall in Seoul. From here, it's only a short bus ride to my new home. But I just moved and I've never take the bus from there before, so even though I'm pretty confident that it's the right bus in the right direction, I double check with the bus driver, who does exactly the same thing that the jerks in Suwon did. He tells me I'm on the wrong bus (which, once again, I wasn't, but not wanting to go 20 minutes in the wrong directions decided to take his word for it because, well that would suck). I get off and now I start crying. I've been here for 2 and half years and people still can't understand me when I ask if he's going to Hong yeon e gyo? I mean, I have an accent, but it that bad?

12:30 crying in a taxi, who managed to understand where I wanted to go through my tears. After five minutes in the taxi, we passed the bus that I was supposed to be on. Just more evidence that he was a jerk and I was right.

12:45 home. exhausted. frustrated.

So my friend in the detention center didn't get his medicine. And I didn't get to say goodbye to him. And by the time I got home, I was wishing that I was the one being deported because this country just totally kicks my ass sometimes.

i hate microsoft

2007-11-03T10:59:00.001-04:00

Why do I have to enable microsoft on my computer to renew my anti-virus subscription? I don't use the windows suite or microsoft explorer, but I needed to buy Norton again, and nothing worked properly until I re-enabled all of the microsoft shit on my computer. I still us the MS opperating system, but I wish I didn't. It really pisses me off and actually, I still haven't been able to get all of the Norton programs working properly. I played with it for a few hours last night and my software still isn't updated. What a bunch of bullshit.

random bullets of anyway

2007-11-02T10:18:00.001-04:00

Today is NSLS's birthday! Happy Birthday, lil preggy sis. Your belly looks so cute, BTW!

In not so nice news, a really good friend of mine and the GS's was arrested in a factory immigration raid on Halloween. I'm going out to the boondocks detention center tomorrow earlyish to check on him and deliver some medication. Not really looking forward to that, but I guess it may be my last chance to see him. It's shocking, really, how many of the people I befriended 2.5 years ago have been caught and deported, mostly in the last 3 months. Korea is becoming a lonelier place everyday.

In other news that's not bad or good, I moved last weekend. I now live a little itty bitty one room apartment with the GS. It's really close to my job and allows me to live in my own squalor but not have to tolerate other people's, which is exactly what I like. Although fortunately, there isn't any squalor here yet.

In somewhat sad news, rani the cat had to find a new home. She lived in the one room place with us for about a week, but she was getting cagey and driving us so crazy we couldn't sleep. The GS enquired at the pet food shop and the folks there generously agreed to help us out. I miss rani already. I wish there was a way to keep her.

In super exciting news, I'm definitely going back to America for Christmas, and I'll get to stay 2 whole weeks. No word yet on what the actual plan is when I arrive, but it can't be bad whatever it is. I need a break from Korea!

Already blown it

2007-11-02T10:13:00.000-04:00

Well, I was supposed to start posting every day in November for what every that acronym is for National Blog Posting Month, but well, I failed to post on the first day. But I swear, it wasn't my fault. I moved last weekend and I couldn't get internet at my house until today, the 2nd, and I tried to access blogger from work, but for some reason, I haven't even been able to read blogs the last two days, much less post on one. So, I guess I disqualified myself already... Does that mean I shouldn't even bother with the rest of the month? I'm only one day late, that couldn't be such a big deal, could it? What if I was to post December 1 to make up for it??

A letter to the GS

2007-10-07T03:14:00.000-04:00

Dear GS,

Here we are, more than a year later, and still our relationship hasn't changed. Well, I mean it hasn't changed on the surface. You are still too busy, and I'm still always annoyed with your inability to commit time to me, to us. Our arguments are still the same, and our challenges maybe even more complicated than they were a year ago. But our relationship a year ago was still fresh and new; our time together precious and little; our love filled with urgency and passion.

And as the year passed, your physical distance fostered in me an emotional distance. While your commitment and love for me hasn't changed, my actions and indeed my feelings for you have been growing cold. You question me in passing. You raise the issue without actually raising it, and I dismiss it by telling you that you are silly. But you are right. I don't shower you with kisses like I used to. I no longer utter the words "I love you" or 'I miss you' in the morning or at the end of the day. I give you the emotional distance that I feel, maybe as a result of your physical distance.

None of this was really conscious on my part. I kind of noticed in a detached way, as a person observing my own emotions and actions from another's eyes. I worried about it in unemotional way, as though I was watching the passing of the seasons. I thought I was giving you subtle warnings that I was growing apart from you, but I wasn't really being honest enough with myself to be honest with you about it.

So now, I ignore the longing glances you give me when we are together; I turn my back to you when you need physical assurance in our relationship; and I don't reciprocate the acts of kindness and love that you still manage to give me, despite my emotional distance. Worst of all, I pretend I don't see that hurt look in your eyes when I do all of these things. I can see that you are trying to feel your way out of the dark- trying to figure out what might strike my fancy and bring back my neediness, urgency, passion and love.

And at this point I am so full of doubt about our future that I guess I feel like all of this distance is necessary so that I'm not blown out of the water when I discover that the relationship we have in Korea is not a relationship that could work in any other time or place. The impossibility of immigrating, the distinct possibility of you ending up in jail either as a result of your political activity or wife's family leave too many openings for failure. I know that you are not ready to give up, and at this point I'm not either, but I guess I feel like I'm protecting myself from the distinct possibility of life without you later by trying to minimize the emotional impact of life with you now.

I don't think you fully recognize how afraid I am of a future without you, nor that I am also afraid of the difficulties that a future with you will also almost certainly entail. Our problems and obstacles seem insurmountable.

I'm not writing this because I want to tell you that we are over. In fact it is completely the opposite. I want to figure out how I can make the flame within me burn hot again. I want to give myself to you. I want to have enough faith in us to make it through whatever it is we are going to have to face together. But I cannot get those kinds of reassurances from the kind of life that we live now. What I want to know is, when will you take a long enough break from solving the problems of the world to help me solve the problems of our relationship?

I am sorry that I need you to be here more. And I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to just support you in fighting for a better world. I'm sorry that I am not selfless enough to say that the movement is more important than our relationship and you being away so much is okay. In the beginning, I thought I might be all of those things, but I'm not. I'm sorry for making you believe that in the beginning I was all of those things. As it turns out, I'm just a normal person with average ambitions and needs. If you were looking for superwoman, I'm not your girl. And for that, I am also sorry.

GS, I do love you. I do want this to work. But I'm lost. Please help me find us again.

Your jaan

edited to add: I don't know about the appropriateness of posting stuff like this. On the one hand, it seems way too personal, but on the other hand, I don't really have anyone in Korea to talk to about this stuff so this is, sadly, my only outlet... More on my completely pathetic and lonely life later...

what a nightmare

2007-10-06T08:01:00.000-04:00

I just spent the last few hours trying to navigate the DoD's web page on visa requirements for fiancees and spouses of American citizens. There seem to be a million hoops, and with the hoops, a million ways to be denied entry to the United States...

The GS and I are trying to plan some future that does not include Korea, but it looks like it is going to be costly and difficult to get him into the US- even for a relatively short visit.

His political activity, status as an illegal immigrant and lack of financial resources, combined with my debt and lack of US domicile make it almost impossible for us to live America.

Shit... What if Bangladesh is our only option?!

Reason Number 762 Why You Shouldn't Vote for Hillary

2007-10-03T02:41:00.000-04:00

"I believe that we lost critical time in dealing with Iran because the White House chose to downplay the threats and to outsource the negotiations. I don't believe you face threats like Iran or North Korea by outsourcing it to others and standing on the sidelines. But let's be clear about the threat we face now: A nuclear Iran is a danger to Israel, to its neighbors and beyond. The regime's pro-terrorist, anti-American and anti-Israel rhetoric only underscores the urgency of the threat it poses. U.S. policy must be clear and unequivocal. We cannot and should not – must not – permit Iran to build or acquire nuclear weapons. In order to prevent that from occurring, we must have more support vigorously and publicly expressed by China and Russia, and we must move as quickly as feasible for sanctions in the United Nations. And we cannot take any option off the table in sending a clear message to the current leadership of Iran – that they will not be permitted to acquire nuclear weapons."

That was HRC in January. Here's what she voted for in the US Senate last week (from the text of the Lieberman Kyl Amendment):

(3) that it should be the policy of the United States to combat, contain, and [stop] the violent activities and destabilizing influence inside Iraq of the Government of the Islamic Republic of Iran, its foreign facilitators such as Lebanese Hezbollah, and its indigenous Iraqi proxies;

(4) to support the prudent and calibrated use of all instruments of United States national power in Iraq, including diplomatic, economic, intelligence, and military instruments, in support of the policy described in paragraph (3) with respect to the Government of the Islamic Republic of Iran and its proxies.

You can read her statement about supporting this piece of legislation here.

The main problem with resolution (besides the fact that it opens up the possibility of war with Iran) is that it escalates an already tense situation in the Middle East. This, in turn, lead to the Iranian Foreign Ministry and Parliament labeling the US Army and CIA as terrorist organizations. This, combined with heightened rhetoric about the ties between Baghdad and Tehran (countries that are neighbors and can't really afford to be enemies in the long run)... Well, you draw your own conclusion.

I'm just saying that I don't want my next president to be someone who doesn't take the time to understand the cultural and political implications of her (or his) decisions. She's supposed to be smart. Political intelligence includes the ability to understand your enemies. Instead of neutralizing and already angry Iran, she helps to make it worse. And I bet that Iran could afford and sustain a pro-longed war against the US...

I'm just sayin....

2007-10-02T11:52:00.000-04:00

I watched Wolf Blitzer (?) on CNN this weekend, and that made me think about two things: War with Iran (and how I am suddenly totally and completely convinced that we are going to invade them like any day now) and Nancy Pelosi (Gosh, I want to like her, but she doesn't really have anything going for her. I just couldn't understand her when she was talking about how the Democrats are changing/defying/opposing Bush policies. I mean, Stop making excuses and give people a reason to believe you have ideas and can actually change something).

And those two thoughts lead me to this conclusion: Never get your news from CNN. And definitely don't watch the hostile questioning of Democrats, especially when you are already ye of little faith.

Oh Dear Democrats, Grow a backbone!

And I also want to add this: If any more of you assholes add me to another candidate's email/contribution list I will never speak to you again. I am not joking. I will not EVER give any Democratic candidate money and no amount of goading will change that. I can barely even stand voting, thank you for much. And no, I don't like Hillary. Seriously. I don't care if she is a woman.

As Per NSLS's Request:

2007-09-24T11:51:00.001-04:00

I think that to actually make this sucker fit, I would need some good old fashioned breast binding...

It's Chuseok!

2007-09-24T03:05:00.000-04:00

I'm too lazy to explain Chuseok, so in stead, I'll let you read about it on Wikipedia. On Thursday, we had a Chuseok party at school where all the kids and teachers came wearing hanbok (Korean traditional dress). We made song pyeon, a kind of chuseok rice cake that is really yummy, learned about bowing and traditional tea ceremony, and played traditional games like yut nori and sileum. It was fun!

I learned how to bow. And yes, this is my hanbok. It was given to me two years ago, but I never had the opportunity to wear until this year.

And look at how freakin cute the kids are in their hanbok:

bowing:

This yut nori. I think the game has a Chinese origin.

More bowing:

Chuseok chal bo ne say yo.

more photos, no explanation

2007-09-24T02:59:00.001-04:00

Land of 10,000 Buddhas

2007-09-24T00:35:00.000-04:00

I've been in Korea for nearly 3 years. In that amount of time, I have seen shockingly little of the country out of the greater Seoul area. Shockingly little. So last week when I traveled out of Gyeonggi Do and into smaller, lesser known areas of Korea, I was indeed shocked to discover that I don't actually hate Korea- I just hate living in the city. Specifically, I hate hate hate living in Seoul.

Last weekend in the midst Typhoon Whabi, the General Secretary and I traveled to Gyung-ju, a smallish city nestled between the mountains and the East Sea. Gyung-ju was the seat of the Silla Dynasty, the last of Korea's three kingdoms. It was also the time when Buddhism, which had traveled to Korea via China, became popularized. Mountains, the sea, monarchy, rich history and Buddhism make for a stunning weekend trip, despite the steady downpour and lack of decent public transportation.

The photo you see above is of a seated Buddha, typical of the Late Silla period. It was taken at Golgusa. Further explanation below...

Saturday took us to Seogeolam and Bulkugsa, two temples situated on the side of a small mountain.

Here I am at Bulguk-sa. This is a big temple that houses several Buddhas, which we were not supposed to take pictures of. We rarely followed this rule- the GS would stun (ie distract) the monk or volunteer with his fluent Korean while I took the pictures, usually shielded by our umbrellas. The results of our clandestine photo taking are mixed:

These photos come from the places we visited on Sunday: Golgusa (which means "grotto" because the main attraction is a seated Buddha which is actually carved into the face of a very high limestone rock. Though it does have other things to see such as the buddhas (newish looking because they have all been replaced recently) that sit in the caves below the grotto. When we went to Golgusa, we were granted a brief respite from the rain, but climbing up the slippery rocks to get to the grotto was a bit of a challenge. I would say that Golgusa was definitely the highlight of our trip....

Golgusa is also the training grounds for a Korean martial art called Sunmudo. We saw some students there, their dorm and their training ground, but it was Sunday, so no one was practicing.

This photo came from Girlimsa Temple where we saw even more Buddhas. Another place where we weren't supposed to take pictures, but did anyway.

We also made it to some other sites like the East Sea, pagodas, royal tombs and the museum, but Blogger seems unhappy with the number of photos I've posted here, so that's all folks~

Pucca choco chocco

2007-09-09T10:19:00.001-04:00

I feel like I've deprived my American breathren of Funny Korean things. So today I am paying tribute to Korean Music an Animation...

Enjoy a day of pure asian weirdness...

I love Pucca!!

Baek Ji Young - Sarang An Hae

2007-09-09T08:51:00.001-04:00

"I Don't Love You"

'Sorry. I Don't Like You.'

2007-09-09T06:25:00.001-04:00

I saw a t-shirt yesterday....

2007-09-09T02:55:00.000-04:00

it said, "help cure abortion". and it was worn by someone who almost definitely didn't understand it.

AND now for something completely different:

The General Secretary finally had his follow up appointment. It seems that things are not as bad as we originally thought. The levels of bacteria in his stomach have been decreasing and the labs didn't show any signs of cancer. He still has to be careful about what he eats (no Korean food), needs to stop smoking and shouldn't really drink either, but we are much less worried than before. His main problem, it now seems, is his cholesterol. But that seems manageable...

In other news, there isn't much news. And this is good. The string of unfortunate incidents seems to have lifted with the heat. Our undocumented friends are still being caught at alarming rates, but the union and its solidarity groups have set up a kind of black panthers style police the police system. They go to the subway stations that migrants frequently use for commuting in the morning and evening to ensure that every can get to and from work safely. And many of the leaders in the migrant community now have Korean "body guards" to make sure that they have a little extra protection. Fortunately, we have a lot of activists in this neighborhood so that hasn't meant that we have to accommodate the GS's "body guards".

I think the GS hates the idea of always having someone with him. He is impulsive and having someone else around ALL the time really inhibits his ability to move freely, but well, so do the police. I feel a lot better knowing that there is almost always someone with him. At least that way if he does get caught, I can find out about right away.

The way I figure it, the GS only has to avoid getting caught here for a few more months- By winter time he should be able to return to Bangladesh without too many problems with the police there, his family or his (kind of) ex-wife's family. Of course, the political situation in Bangladesh is constantly changing, but I'm trying to be optimistic about everything... I really want him to get back to Bangladesh soon so he can deal with is whole life mess, but.... to really hope for something might still be asking too much....

I ATE DOG.

2007-08-08T23:24:00.000-04:00

That is not a euphemism or a metaphor. I really did eat dog soup last night- willingly. Before I had ever eaten dog soup, I looked forward to the day when I could write on this blog: " I ate dog. And I liked it." But I have to be honest, I didn't like it and I don't think I'll ever eat it again, unless of course I get stranded on a desert island with nothing to eat but dogs.

Eating dog soup is kind of like eating dog breath. That's what it smells like. And this dog was well prepared. It was quite tender, but also stringy. The fatty bits were really really disgusting because they tasted more like dog breath than the rest of the soup. Maybe that was because they took longer to chew and the spicy sauce disappeared from the taste long before you could swallow it.

But fear not, animal lovers! For those of you who are outraged and disgusted (finish reading this before you call PETA, please) there has been karmic pay back. This morning I puked up little chunks of dog and had dog breath myself. And now it's coming out the other end. It seems as though I was never really meant to eat dog.

*I guess I should add a few cultural notes here to put the experience in a little more context:
Koreans have been eating dog for a long time. It's a dish that is eaten on the hottest days of the year (to help cool you down) and it is supposed to increase male virility. In Korea, people don't eat pets or strays off the street, but instead there are special farms that breed dogs for the purposes of eating. I can't speak to the treatment of the dogs that are raised on the farms because I really don't know. I've heard rumors that the dogs are beaten before they are killed to stimulate the flow of adrenaline, which is supposed to be really good for the male endurance, but I don't know if that's true. And well, actually, I don't know too many people who actually consume dog meat...

This is what I found about dog meat in wikipedia:

Gaegogi literally means "dog meat" in Korean. Gaegogi, however, is often mistaken as the term for Korean soup made from dog meat, bosintang. It is made from a specific breed of dog that differs from those breeds that are kept as pets. The distaste felt by dog lovers, particularly from the West, with respect to eating dog has made this dish controversial in recent years. About two[27][28] to three[29] million dogs are consumed in South Korea every year that corresponds to more than one trillion South Korean won[28] ($1 billion at a rate of 1 USD per 1000 KRW).
The consumption of dog meat can be traced back many years. Dog bones were excavated in a neolithic settlement in Changnyeong, South Gyeongsang Province. One of the wall paintings in the Goguryeo tombs complex in South Hwangghae Province, a UNESCO World Heritage site which dates from 4th century AD, depicts a slaughtered dog in a storehouse.
Use of dogs for meat and the methods of slaughter used have generated friction between dog lovers, both Western and Korean, and people who eat dogs; the conflict occasionally breaks out as headline news. During the 1988 Summer Olympics in Seoul, Korea's capital city, the South Korean government asked its citizens not to consume dog meat to avoid bad publicity during the games. The controversy surfaced again in 2001 when the 2002 FIFA World Cup soccer games were held jointly in South Korea and Japan.[30][31] The organizer of the games, under pressure from animal rights groups such as PETA,[32] demanded that the Korean government re-address the issue, but little changed. Another part of the controversy stems from the methods of slaughter, which include beating to death by clubs (common in the countryside) and hanging (offenses in Korea under the Animal Protection Act 1991[33] although it does not include dogs as animals for human consumption[34]), in order to get more adrenaline into the flesh to make it taste better. However, such methods are no longer common in industry, where generally instant electrocution is employed because of economic reasons.[29] In 2007, a South Korean online dog meat retailer opened in April but closed in July due to a flood of demands to the local officials to "shut down the site for illegally selling dog meat."[35] A government official said, "Under the food sanitation law, animals that are not examined according to livestock processing regulations are not allowed to be sold as food... However, we will not be taking strong measures to regulate the practice since we have a tradition and culture of eating dog meat and many people enjoy it."
Today in Korea, a segment of the population enjoy bosintang, literary “invigorating soup”, for its supposed "medicinal" properties. Dog meat is also widely believed to keep one cool during the intense Korean summer. Dog meat is also believed to improve male virility,[34] although there is no medical evidence to support these claims. Many Korean Buddhists consider eating meat an offense, which includes dog meat. Unlike beef, pork, or poultry, dog meat has no legal status as food in South Korea, which has caused the industry to go underground, with no official guidelines to address concerns over hygiene and animal welfare.[34] Some in South Korea and abroad believe that dog meat should be legalized so that only authorized preparers can deal with the meat in more humane and sanitary ways,[36][37] while others think that the practice should be banned by law. During the FIFA World Cup, in the face of foreign pressure to ban the sale of dog meat, a group of prominent South Koreans wrote an open letter in support of dog-eating.[38] South Korea's top soccer official said that FIFA had no business interfering in his country's eating habits.[31] Supporters of dog-eating held rallies against FIFA[39] and launched a campaign to promote dog meat.[40][41][42]
Many younger generations of Koreans are starting to abhor the practice of eating dog meat, and instead are treating dogs as pets rather than a source of food.[43][44] According to a 2006 survey, among 1025 South Koreans,[28] 81% of those in their fifties, 67% of those in their forties, 64% of those in their sixties, 59% of those in their thirties, 60% of teens, 46% of those in their twenties, and 55% on average have ever eaten dog meat. 64% eat dog meat 1 to 3 times per year, 17% 4 to 6 times, and 11% 7 to 10 times. This amounts to an average of 4.6 times per year, at 300 grams per incident. 75% think dog meat should not be banned, and many demand the improvement of the sanitary conditions rather than animal welfare.

If it's BAD news....

2007-08-04T04:28:00.001-04:00

Keep it to yourself. I don't want to know. I've had about all I can take.

snapshot from a lazy tourist

2007-08-04T03:21:00.001-04:00

This was honestly one of the strangest vacations I ever went on. Strange because I was in another country and should have been interested the unique cultural activities and sites it has to offer, but actually if you were to ask me about Taiwanese food, history, culture, aboriginal communities, etc. I would have absolutely nothing to say to you. Maybe this was because the dumpy beach town I stayed in had absolutely nothing distinctly or uniquely Tiawanese about it- the food and tourist kitch was mostly from Thailand, everything else was kind of generically East Asian. Maybe I've just kind of become dull to East Asian art, culture and cuisine because I experience it everyday, but I really couldn't be bothered with another taoist, confucian or buddhist temple; the roasted innards, smelly tofu or squid-on-a-stick that you can find at the street stalls in night markets; the cultural relics or even the fine art.

All this is not to say that I think all East Asian cultures are the same; for to say that would be a great error that would prove to the world that my stupidity and arrogance have gone beyond the levels of your average Western tourist. But can't a girl be bored by it after three years and numerous cities in several countries? I have, after all, visited Seoul, Busan, Fukuoka, Osaka, Beijing, Ghuangzhou, Macau, Hong Kong and Taipei, not to mention a very few southeast asian cities (which are in some ways more markedly different from notheast asian cities).

All that was just to say that this was possibly that laziest vacation I've ever taken and my curiousity about Taiwan was rather limited to discovering its natural beauty as opposed its cultural beauty. And Taiwan, when you leave the polluted cities and suburbs, has quite a lot to offer in the way of natural beauty.

This is the southern most tip of Taiwan in an area called Kenting National Park. There is no public transportation around here, so I rented a scooter in the dumpy, generic beach town that reeked eerily of Ocean City, Maryland and that scooter brought me here, to a point which overlooks the coastal mountains and coral reefs that can be found not far off the coast of the island.

I spent four days on beaches like this, and I didn't even get a sun tan! Seriously, for the first time in my life I wore so much sunscreen that my white skin is nearly the same color as it was in the winter- that's after spending a week in a tropical country! Guess I've decided that cancer is not the way I want to go out.

As you might imagine, I did almost nothing last week, as it was really too hot to move much during the day (unless it was out of the ocean and into a shady cafe). The beaches in the main town are run by the eight year old urchins of the hotel gangsters. The urchins patrol the beaches on atv's and try to charge tourists exorbitant fees for using the beaches. That kind of sucks, but after one day, you can easily avoid them and at night, the beaches are totally empty and may be even more pleasant than they are during the day. Especially since it is past the urchins' bed times.

I've just run out of steam.... I did have more to say, but more bad news has reached me via telephone, and I'm distracted... more later. maybe.

20 Reason to Stay in Bed- Every Day

2007-08-04T02:23:00.000-04:00

Yes, I dropped off the face of the earth. I wasn't sure that I was ready to write honestly about how my life was going so I decided not to write at all. Everything that came out felt negative and bitter and the whole world was just feeling a little overwhelming. Well, the whole world still feels a bit overwhelming, and scary and just downright unfair, but I guess it's time to stop hiding and let some people in on what's going on.

Not long after I wrote the post about the GS getting sick, I got a bit sick myself. Not physically, but the stress of living so far from my family and friends, a job that is on good days mildly annoying and on bad days gives me terrorist thoughts, a relationship that requires a lot of energy and patience (which I am quickly running out of).... You get the picture. I was really depressed. So depressed that I spent about a week weighing my options for suicide, throwing temper tantrums that would surely rival those of any tired and angry 2 year old, and being downright nasty to nearly everyone I came into contact with, including many friends who only wanted to cheer me up.

I have obtained contact information for a therapist, but have not yet called. I don't know why really. I obviously can't handle whatever is going on in my life myself, but I haven't brought myself to do it just yet.

I am so frustrated about the fact that there hasn't been any more information about the GS's condition. I have no idea how sick he is, but he is still asymptomatic, so he continues to live in denial about his medical condition. He is working so much that I haven't seen him much at all in the last 3 weeks. In fairness, I did just spend a week on vacation in Taiwan, but I came back on Tuesday and haven't seen the GS for more than a handful of hours since I returned.

To make matters worse, the situation for undocumented workers grows more dangerous by the hour here in Korea. As of August 1, the government expanded immigration powers to the regular police force, so now any Officer Kim could pick the GS off of a street corner (before the regular police could only pick up an undocumented worker if he or she had committed a crime other than a visa violation). Since Wednesday, we know of more than 200 workers who have been picked up. The number is likely much much higher than that, since those numbers come through our friends sending in reports, not any official source.

And the activists we know who have left or have been deported are being harassed by police as soon as they leave Korea. The best example of this is our friend Anwar (the first president of the migrants' union and spent a year in detention here for serving that post), who was arrested twice on his way out of the country. Once in Singapore where he was held only temporarily for questioning about his anti-government activities and then again in Bangladesh were he was held a bit longer, charged with a crime and is on a sort of probation where he has to check in with the Bangladeshi police in his hometown until his court date.

So needless to say, I am really worried about the safety of the GS in addition to his health, which he is doing nothing to take care of. I've stopped nagging as it only gives me more stress when I beg him to do something and he ignores it...

So today I as I write, I feel sad in a deep down sort of way, though I'm not sure of the specific reason. I'm a little lonely, a little bored and a little bit of unsure what I should be doing with myself since I don't have to go to work today. I know the Rev.Dr.Mom and NSLS are going to be worried when they read this, which I suppose is one reason why I decided not write for a while.

I'll get a post up about my trip to Taiwan, including some pictures (really, I took my camera), which I shouldn't be so depressing... I hope...

Well, What Can I Say?

2007-07-17T05:34:00.001-04:00

It's true that I've been avoiding everyone. Everyone in Korea. Everyone outside of Korea. Everyone. That's what happens when you can't think of anything good to say. Anything nice and undepressing. Surely the world is as sick of my whining as I am of the complexity and impossibility of my life in Korea.

I don't know how to say it, except that my life feels totally out of my control.

bad omens and bad news

2007-06-27T09:12:00.001-04:00

monday morning.... I woke up grumpy. Literally frowning, I think. As I started walking down the hill towards the subway station, I noticed that I was passed by a rather fancy, shiny black car. Two minutes later, as I reach the bottom of the hill, I see a nearly dead dog laying in the middle of the road, being circled by its friend who is no doubt in distress. Neighbors are slowly making their way out of their houses- Nigerians by the dozens, Filipinos, Koreans and well, then there's me. A small Filipino woman carrying an infant is called over by our Nigerian neighbor. "There's the guy, down there," he says. A small muscle bound Korean guy is walking up the hill shouting, "You! Dog!" But then he notices his shiny black car parked in the middle of the street and turns back. The neighbors think he has taken stock of the situation and is making a run for it. The Filipino woman starts shouting, "You! Come back here! This dog alive! Come back! Come back!" The Korean man is in his car. I tap on the window. He looks. I point up the hill towards the shouting woman.

And then I walk away.

Needless to say, my own day turned out terribly.

When I came home, I opened the door to my bedroom and Rani the cat ran straight to my bed and pissed before I had time to realize what she was doing. To top it off, I was under the impression that the General Secretary was avoiding my phone calls and text messages because in the era of instant communication, he didn't respond to me for 7 whole hours.

When he come home, I was sulky and irritable. Definitely ready to pick a fight. I tried. And was met with silence. How infuriating is that?

How about Tuesday? Well, it was kind of okay. The GS knocked off work early and met me and my coworkers, but he was avoiding real talk. So finally, on the way home, I pry it out of him... What the hell is going on with you?

About a month ago, his organization sponsored free full body check ups for all of its workers. His results came back Monday. He has this kind of bacteria in his stomach. A lot of people have this bacteria in their stomachs. But too much of it is an indication of a much more serious problem: stomach cancer. And for those of you up on your stomach cancer stats, you would know that stomach cancer is the second leading cause of death in Korea. And a lot of people think that's because of the diet: spicy, salty, pickled foods, and not many fresh fruits and vegetables. And if you've read this blog for any amount of time, you would probably know that the General Secretary has lived in Korea for nearly 12 years, which means his diet is pretty damn Korean.

So what I'm saying is that while the jury is still out, the chances that the GS has stomach cancer are pretty high. And I'm not sure that he is taking it seriously. Of course he can't quit is job and just hang out all the time, but is it really necessary for him to continue going to the office at 9 am and coming home (like tonight) at 2 or 3 in the morning? His job is high stress. He's a smoker. Recently gotten a bit chubby. Doesn't exercise. Always eats in restaurants.

I found out less than 24 hours ago. Tonight I quit my private lesson so that I can get home in time to cook some healthy food for us. Maybe exercise a little. Maybe even actually try to spend some time together. And he totally unwilling to slow down even a little bit. I realize that maybe the news hasn't had time to sink in. Or maybe he doesn't want it to, but I gotta tell you I feel angry at him right now.

I feel like he's leaving me. Like he's a goddamn asshole for getting so sick in the first place. Like's a fucker for wanting to play the hero and not tell anyone what's going on. Like he has no right to lay the news on me that he might be dying and then pretend like nothing is wrong.

I'm really scared. I feel like I have no one to turn to here. He wants me to "be strong" which basically means that I shouldn't cry. I want to talk about it. He wants to get on with his life. I don't want to be without him. I know that nagging him is not the way to get him to change his lifestyle. But I don't know what else to do.

I guess I should wait until we really know what is going on to freak out. But it's too late. Freak out has commenced.

Over the Last Month....

2007-05-28T09:37:00.000-04:00

So I'm sure you can see that I have been quite consumed over the drama at work... In fact, I am still consumed by it, but I'm really ready for it to go away. I quit that job at least once a week in my head and I'm only staying now for the money. Here is the funny thing about all this: I might, just might, be offered a promotion out of all this bullshit. I guess that would make my resignation more meaningful, wouldn't it? Oh, the irony. Actually, the attempts at co-optation... But in this situation, is there really any difference?

But my life has not been all drama, no siree...

*At the beginning of the month I went to a spectacular wedding involving a friend who was Tibetan refugee in Nepal before moving to Korea and another friend who is an incredible and amazing Korean activist (and whose father is a famous martyr who immolated himself during the movement for democracy in Korea). The wedding was replete with a traditional Korean music, a hanbok ceremony, live entertainment involving a Nepali singer of certain fame and Korean drumming troupe and then a change of costume from Korean traditional wedding wear to Tibetan. Wow! And it was outside on a perfect day right next to Han River and everyone who is anyone in the Korean Labor/Economic Justice movement was there. And also a lot of people who are no-ones (like myself). So I got to sit around with my friends, drink outside, eat yummy Nepali-style cuisine and partake in a really special ceremony that not too many foreigners have access to... But of course, I didn't take my camera. Sorry.... (for myself as much as you)

*Two weekends ago, there was a huge Buddha's birthday celebration. It involved learning about Buddhism from all Asian countries, not just Korea; a paper lantern-making workshop; dozens of other little art and crafty things that are related to Buddhism; a concert which included groups from Tibet, Sri Lanka, Nepal, Bangladesh, Thailand and Korea; an evening parade with all of the lanterns lit that people had made and some other crazy looking floats -like an iridescent white glowing elephant; and more good food. And no, I didn't take my camera to that one either...

*And sometime in the last month, there was also the Hi Seoul festival which was interesting only because there was a walking tour through Buk Cheon Dong, maybe the only yangban neighborhood that has been restored and is still fully intact. You can check out the old style homes with courtyards and tiled roofs; the ones with the sliding rice paper doors and nice wooden floors. You know, it's just a little peak into how people used to live (at least rich people) and you get to be a little nosey in people's houses who are living now. Both are kind of interesting. And oh, I didn't take my camera.

*What else you ask? Well, the GS has been around a whole lot more these days, which definitely makes the work drama more bearable. And I finished teaching those damn middle school students last week and tomorrow will be my first free Tuesday of summer. And the rooftop garden has yielded snow peas, strawberries, and flowers and I think I'll have some nice tomatoes in about a month. I also planted a squash vine, some peppers and an eggplant, so I'll let you know how that turns out. And oh, it is definitely summer here. It's been in the damn 80s this week. Outrageous!

Is this update sufficient? I am so ready for bed....

but don't worry, next time, I'll take my camera.

Spitting Part 3

2007-05-28T08:58:00.000-04:00

Did you miss me? I've been a busy, busy girl.

*Let's start with an update of "Susie," now ex-but still preggie-coworker. So Susie took her case to the Labor Board. Susie had to meet our psycho boss at the LB board office for what is turning into the showdown of the century. And, as expected, they claimed that she quit and was most definitely not fired, despite the damning email from the designated bitch supervisor stating that they would give her a 30 day notice. The boss also said that Susie had been organizing us and manipulating us, and all that resulted in a one-day strike the day after Susie had been terminated. Well believe me, I wish that was true, but what actually happened was that they called a mandatory teachers' meeting at the exact time our classes were supposed to start. A mandatory meeting where they lied out of their asses for two hours, which resulted in a big fight involving the foreign teachers and pretty much all of management. Additionally, the boss' "case" involved this interesting little tidbit: she said that she knows that Susie is a manipulator and a liar because SHE LISTENS TO EVERY CONVERSATION WE HAVE IN OUR MIKED TEACHERS' ROOM. Now, this is totally illegal in Korea and it is somewhat galling that she would admit this before a government body that was about to fully investigate her, but I never said the woman is smart. She is so used to lying and changing the facts that I'm sure she didn't know exactly what she said and would change her story yet again if the issue was pressed. Not only that, but I'm not sure what it actually has to do with the facts of the case...

Now, before the LB does a full investigation and reveals their findings, they give the employer and employee a chance to negotiate a settlement. Susie's case was pretty rock-solid and I think our psycho bitch boss had at least figured that out. So after an onslaught of name-calling and verbal abuse, she agreed to pay Susie about $3000 plus her last paycheck. The deal was signed at the LB with a promise of full payment the next day.

Well, of course the drama continued. The next day a different supervisor called Susie to tell her that they wouldn't be paying her April pay because they had to negotiate how much Susie owed her... "HUH?" you say... Yeah. Susie consulted the LB once again and they told her that if psycho boss wanted the money, she would have to sue Susie for it. So today, Susie went yet again back to the office where she was met once again with an onslaught of insults and verbal abuse and then only given $1000 of the $1750 she was owed. And the boss told her, no threatened her, that if she went to the LB again, she would sue Susie for everything and leave her a broken, penniless woman. Well, I'm not sure that she could actually do that, but she is so vengeful that I don't doubt that she'd try it.

That's the thing about this boss. You can't have a rational conversation because everything turns into victimization. Her victimization. But she is out in cold blood for this teacher who only wants the money she is owed so that she can get on with her life.

And now what, you may ask? Well, I don't know. I'm not sure that even if Susie pursues further legal action that she'll be able to get the rest of that money. I think unfortunately, the best she can do is report it and have it go on file what a sleazy f'n boss we have. Where's the justice, man?

And as a side, it turns out that every single foreign teacher has worked illegally for this employer at one time or another and if it didn't mean that we'd all get fined and deported (even though we haven't actually had much choice), it would be a great way to get this woman shut down for good. She is has no business being a business owner.

And oh, in case y'all are wondering over whether or not she'll get deported... Well, they tried, but can't do it because she is too darn pregnant. So she was issued a special 6 month visa, which should be enough time to get herself sorted. And she found a new apartment not so far from where I live now....

It'll make you want to spit part 2

2007-05-06T06:22:00.000-04:00

So a couple of months ago, I wrote this post about a girl I called Susie. Susie, as you might recall, was 6~7 months pregnant at the time. Susie was in great danger of getting fired for said pregnancy, but by some miracle, managed to negotiate a 3 month maternity leave that would start sometime in the middle of May. This maternity leave would not be paid and she agreed to give up many of the other contractual benefits that most foreign teachers here get (free plane tickets, a pension that you can claim when you leave Korea) for being allowed to keep her house and her visa during her maternity leave.

Fast forward to this Thursday. As you may also recall, Susie is an extremely overweight girl. So overweight, that you could not actually tell she was pregnant until the eighth month. Her obesity coupled with the pregnancy, of course, has made her pregnancy a little more complicated. So after a check up on Thursday, she came to work with a doctor's note saying that she has severe chronic hypertension and that she should spend the rest of her pregnancy laying in bed.

When the manager saw the doctor's note, Susie was met with skepticism and incredulity. Not only did the manager say that the notarized document was a lie and that any doctor would write it if a patient asked, but also insisted that Susie open her medical records for the school's inspection so that they could judge for themselves if Susie was well enough to come to work. Susie objected. When she objected they decided for themselves that it must be a lie and demanded that a 8.5 month pregnant woman with severe chronic hypertension work for another week and half, because that was what they had verbally agreed to.

Susie, in a brave and rare moment of standing up of herself, could not be persuaded to work against the doctors orders. Management then accused her of not caring about the school or her students. Why is that she was only caring about herself? Here is Susie, leaving us all to hang out to dry.

Well, please pardon me for a moment while I do a little bit of editorializing: But DUH! What the fuck? Of course a women who is 8.5 months pregnant is going to put the health of herself and her child ahead of some crappy school that doesn't give a shit for her. And use your damn brains people: it's a liability to have her working there. If something happened to her while she was working, who do you think would be responsible? I know that I would sue the pants off of you. And win. And furthermore, did you not know that you've had to hire a teacher for 2 months? Is it really her fault that you've had your thumbs up your asses for all this time?

So after a day of stressful meetings, Susie was basically told to pack up her stuff and move out of her apartment. And then later in the evening, it was followed up with a call saying that the school would be reporting her to immigration for breaking her contract and that she would basically have to leave the country within 2 weeks. (How she could actually do these things being 8.5 months pregnant and on bedrest is beyond me..)

The next morning, we had an emergency meeting at school where management decided that it was really important to tell their side of the story. Of course they hadn't fired Susie. She quit. And of course she didn't have to leave the country within in two weeks. That was all a big misunderstanding, but we should all know that Susie is a liar and has been manipulating us all this whole time. The meeting went on for 2 hours and turned into a huge argument between the foreign staff and the management and ended with everyone being dismissed except me and another foreign teacher. We were sat down with the big boss and explained to one more time.

When she failed to convince us, it ended in her trying with all of her might to make herself cry. She was shaking and making sobbing noises, but just couldn't make the tears come. Pardon me for being so cynical about this, but she has pulled this act on me before. And I know that she stabs every single one of us in the back to make herself look good whenever there is anything slightly controversial at school. I have already been blamed for the low morale amongst the teachers at school. And I'm sure I'm seen as the ringer leader in the Susie revolt.

I am sick to death of the owner of this school. I am sick to death about the way "Susie" has been treated. And the rest of the management is no better as far as I am concerned. I think they would take everyone of us down if they could.

I am seriously thinking of packing up and leaving in June. I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

These are the kinds of things that can really make a girl hate living in Korea.

Longing

2007-04-25T09:12:00.000-04:00

Tonight I took a long walk through my favorite part of Seoul. The art districts in Insa-dong and Sam Chung Dong are nestled between the bustling financial and shopping center of central Seoul and the historic palaces of Gyeongbuk and Deok Sung. This part of Seoul is full of cherry trees, lilac, azaleas, forsythia and newly budding Maple and Ginkgo trees. It's a special time of year in Korea, with lots of reasons to celebrate and as you walk through the streets, there is definitely a festive air. Since Buddha's birthday is coming up, colorful paper laterns line the streets and adorn the already lovely sprind green trees.

While walking through the winding streets, you can stumble upon fancy guest houses in traditional Korean buildings, hidden art galleries, funky little boutiques, and Buddhist temples are practically everywhere you turn. The streets are full of couple holding hands; monks with their shaved heads and grey half hanbok, half monk uniform. And, of course, there are tourists. On the main road in Insa-dong, there are lots of street vendors selling roasted chestnuts, special candy, rice cake sweets, kitchy tourist wares, handmade paper, art supplies. And there are entertainers. Tonight there was band playing what sounded like New Orleans-styled Jazz. (go figure)

This part of Korea feels a lot like a certain place at home to me. Except that in Insa-dong, the chances of running into someone you know are pretty slim. And as I was walking, I was thinking about how I have already been here for more than 2 years and no one has come to visit me. And probably no one ever will.

Lil sister was supposed to make her way over in May with her hubby the Mr. LS, but they bought a house and well, that's that. (No Lil Sis, this is not a guilt trip)...

I just wish someone could come here to share this crazy place with me, to see what my life is like. To judge for themselves what they like and don't like about Korean culture instead of taking my word for it.

Doesn't anyone want to know what my life is like here? Can't you come to me??!!

argh!

2007-04-23T09:13:00.000-04:00

As per Not So Little Sister's advice, I went and browsed the online Anne Taylor Loft catalogue. Well, I can tell you that I am well pissed because until I looked at that, I had forgotten that I actually like clothes. I had forgotten that there are actually cute clothes in this world that come in my size. And then I was reminded: No more credit cards for me. Which means no online shopping. Which means wearing the same old ugly clothes that I have been wearing for the last 3 years.

I need to leave this country just so I can go shopping!!! Maybe I'll go to Hong Kong or Singapore on my summer vacation for only that reason. Damn you and all the skinny girls with naff taste, Korea.

Mama, You Been On My Mind

2007-04-22T08:57:00.000-04:00

So today I watched High Fidelty. Anytime I see a John Cusack film, it gets me thinking about a certain ex-boyfriend.... The one who was like a big brother to skinny monkey girl and CB; the one whose family was sure that we'd marry; the one who had "rescued" me from the misery of our home that first year in Vermont before my step-father made his great escape without a goodbye; The first one I was really in love with.

This film in particular reminds me of that boy because for one thing, he loved John Cusack. And this film. And for another, it is in a way about relationship karma. After a rather long, tearful and slightly cruel break up with first love (yes, it was definitely me that did some pretty serious heart-breaking) , all of my relationships felt doomed. What I mean to say is that I just kept falling for these guys who had no interest in a real relationship with me. I was fun to hang out with, great to talk to, whatever, but in the end, friendship was the only thing that ever came out of those relationships. I held a steady pace of falling for guys who weren't into having a relationship. At least not with me. And because of the way that I had treated first love, I began to feel like I deserved it and when I had re payed my karmic debt, maybe someone better would come my way.

Well, I don't know if all that karmic debt stuff is true. Over the decade that has spanned the bridge between first love and the GS, I had some pretty serious heartbreak, disappointment and even a few regrets. The regrets have more to do with not handling a situation as gracefully as I could have; not being kinder to the ones who were open to me that I shut the door on. I think that Cusack kind of absolves himself of his relationship sins- he owns them, addresses them and gets over it. And now I'm going to do the same.

One last thing: Cusack says something in the film that really strikes a chord with me. This is not an exact quote, but it's something like "Real love feels like coming home." It's not always spectacular and amazing, but it is good, really good. And I realize now that my relationship with the GS is the first time I've ever felt like I've met my match. He doesn't intimidate me. I don't feel like I have more power than him, or him more power than me. In fact, for the first time I can ever remember, I don't even think about the power dynamic in the relationship. We respect each other, challenge other, have fun together, seek each other's advice, but at the end of the day, it just feels like coming home.

And in a final act of absolution, first love, you've been on my mind. In the words of Bob Dylan:

Perhaps it's the color of the sun cut flat
An' cov'rin' the crossroads I'm standing at,
Or maybe it's the weather or something like that,
But mama, you been on my mind.

I don't mean trouble, please don't put me down or get upset,
I am not pleadin' or sayin', "I can't forget you."
I do not pace the floor bowed down an' bent, but yet,
Mama, you been on my mind.

Even though my mind is hazy an' my thoughts they might be narrow,
Where you been don't bother me nor bring me down with sorrow.
I don't even mind who you'll be wakin' with tomorrow,
But mama, you're just on my mind.

I am not askin' you to say words like "yes" or "no,"
Please understand me, I have no place I'm callin' you t' go.
I'm just whisperin' to myself, so I can pretend that I don't know,
Mama, you are on my mind.

When you wake up in the mornin', baby, look inside your mirror.
You know I won't be next to you, you know I won't be near.
I'd just be curious to know if you can see yourself as clear
As someone who has had you on his mind

reflections on a day when the pollution is so bad, you can't leave your house

2007-04-21T04:41:00.000-04:00

I remember how when I first came to Korea, I was filled with such an excitement, a sense of awe and wonder at every new cultural discovery, new friendship forged, obstacle overcome. The smallest bit of understanding gave me the greatest feeling of achievement, while minor misunderstandings would lead to tears of frustration for not being able to express myself in Korean. The first year I was here, just leaving my house was an adventure and a challenge, and I always felt rewarded for striking out into unknown territory.

So what happened in the year since? Well, frankly I have grown bored with Seoul, feeling it all at once an entirely predictable city and city full of madness. The culture differences I relished in noticing at first, I now find annoying. Eating rice everyday for every meal now feels oppressive, like the pollution that hangs in the air and infests your lungs. In short, in enduring the long commutes everyday, answering to bosses who act like dictators, pushing my way through crowded shopping areas and trying to learn how to use the backdoor when you want something rather than stating it directly (including saying yes when there is no way in hell you'd ever do it) have worn me down and made me weary.

I just don't like living here anymore. The adventure is over. It's real life now. And frankly, the quality of life here sucks. This is live to work culture. And my life simply. can't. be. work.

I am ready for a slower paced society. With less uptight people. And more trees. And less pollution. And shorter working hours. But with the same high quality, cheap public transportation. Any ideas, people?

p.s. Just so you don't get any ideas:
Dear family, I am staying here for 10 more months and was just informed about how shitty my "summer vacation" is, so I won't be able to get back for a visit until this stinkin job is over. God, Korea really gets on my tits sometimes.

pollution update

2007-04-16T09:15:00.000-04:00

i have been wiping greyish dirty looking stuff from the inside of my nose for two weeks.

my snot has a black-ish tint to it.

just imagine what my lungs must look like.

mondays are for bulleted lists of weekend fun

2007-04-16T00:40:00.000-04:00

* i didn't go to a single wedding this weekend! that's right, i skipped out and boy was it nice.

*i did, however, start my roof-top garden which now has strawberries, hot peppers and tomatoes of the small and large varieties.

* the lady at my local garden shop thought i was CRAZY for buying dirt. why oh why wouldn't i already have dirt on my roof? she sold me a couple of dollars worth, but then refused to give me any more. i guess i'll have to hike nam san this week and steal if from there so i can finish planting. i never knew that a garden shop owner would be stingy with dirt and compost...

*my middle school class is cancelled for 2. whole. weeks!! hooray!!! and can i get an amen?!

*on saturday i went to a really fun migrant workers party where a few of us crazy white folks did some crazy white folk dancing which had the whole room roaring with laughter at how darn crazy white folks can be.

*on sunday, the general secretary and i went to maseok (small mountain furniture warehouse town that is reminiscent of shit, i forgot the name vermont, home of buck's furniture warehouse!) to celebrate the bangladeshi new year and ate a lot of good food, played some silly games, bought a few punjabis and i got all henna and bindi-ed up.

*sunday night was a tired, but relaxing veg out on the couch kind of night with an early bed time.

*spring is fully here with the green of new budding leaves, flowers flowers everywhere and people walking around looking relaxed, comfortable, and happy to be alive.

*if only there wasn't so much darn air pollution this year. i just read in the newspaper that the pollution in seoul is 2x as high as 5 years ago and the military actually cancelled all outdoor exercises because the co2 levels are so high...

* but despite that, gosh, it was a nice weekend.

Just. So. Tired.

2007-04-11T08:38:00.000-04:00

For real y'all, I'm bustin my ass working 3 jobs right now and I'm so tired, I can't even complain about it.

But the highlights:
2 cheaters caught in one week. They both used the same incredibly stupid method.

one kinder student who kisses me constantly.

another kinder student whose mother thinks that she should be able to read a whole book after being in english kindergarten for 6 weeks and complains constantly that we are not doing a good job.

that same kinder student is, by the way, incredibly cute and kind of acts like a sweet wild animal. in a good way. and i like her despite her horrid mother.

more schedule changes.

i now officially hate teaching middle school students.

no sleep. no sleep. no sleep.

a wedding last weekend followed by a dinner party. that was fun. but entailed no sleep.

did i mention weddings? yup. i'll go to one every weekend in april and one weekend in may. that's over the top.

i'm a shitty friend who bails on everyone i make plans with. sorry jamie. sorry lena. one day i won't be so busy. one day, i'll be a better person too.

and one day i'll be awake enough to write sentences that make sense.

just. so. tired.

And Another Thing

2007-04-01T06:47:00.000-04:00

I feel stupid lately. Like literally. On Wednesday night, I got into a debate with a Thomas Friedman-esque warm and fuzzy neo-con about the current free trade agreement negotiations between Korea and America and got my ass handed to me on a platter. It was humiliating to have been routed so thoroughly by a totally one-sided argument that is incredibly easy to see through, but I just didn't bring it.

And for some reason I can't stop thinking about how much that rather insignificant incident bothers me.

Is it because I sounded so ill-informed?

Is it just because I know if someone were judging the debate, I would've lost?

Is it because I seemed to have lost all of my abilities to think on my feet and verbally eviscerate?

Why yes, it would be all of those things. Korea makes me stupider.

Gah.

Some Days, I'm Really Cranky

2007-04-01T04:32:00.000-04:00

Like today. And yesterday. And well, pretty much everyday this week.

Ever regret a decision almost as soon as you made it? Ever wonder if you REALLY have to live with the consequences of that decision? I mean, isn't there some way of undoing it?

In case you haven't figured out what I'm talking about, it's work. Again. As usual. I'm so bored with this complaint that I don't even want to write about it, except for the fact that I can't stop obsessing about it.

So you remember the drama about the pregnant girl right? Well, she decided to just drop the whole matter and take whatever the boss gives her, which is fine. I mean, I could have a lot to say about that, but it's her decision and not mine, so whatever. I can't spend the energy being all fired up and pissed off about it if she can't even be bothered. But the drama with the pregnant girl hasn't been the only drama at work. There have been the annoying little issues. There is a know it all boss who criticizes absolutely. everything. we. do. The director hasn't fulfilled all of her contractual obligations to the new teachers. One of the new foreign teachers (a Canadian) is whiny beyond whiny, argumentative for the sake of argument, and a racist, why doesn't everyone like me? kind of guy. Oh, and did I mention exceptionally lazy? Yeah, he's that, too. So you can imagine how I must have felt this week when the director pulled me out of class to have an hour long meeting with me to tell me that I am the leader of the unhappiness at our hagwon; And that everyone is having a hard time with the job because of the things that I say. And that no one trusts her because I told them about how I was fired. Well, excuse Madam Director, but wasn't I fired? And didn't you screw me? And haven't I been working for you illegally for the last 2 months? And isn't one of the teachers working illegally for you now? And don't you listen to everything we say because the whole damn school is miked and on camera and then play it off like one of the other teachers told you those things (which I know for a fact not to be true)?

Okay. I can take some responsibility for telling my story to my coworkers. But it was my experience, was it not? And if she was really worried about it getting out, why would she have hired me again? But isn't she an agent in this situation? She seriously blamed everything on me... Why oh Why do I have to be the scapegoat. Again?

I am sooooooooooo regreting taking this job. I am sooooooooooooo pissed at myself for saying yes. I am soooooooooooooo over working in Korea. And I am sooooooooo not sure if I'm going to be able to finish a year at this school....

And in conclusion, I am soooooooo fucked and confused about what to do.

a little bit of spring goes a long way

2007-03-17T05:07:00.000-04:00

Forsythia. Rhodedendrons. Magnolias. Plum trees. Longer, sunnier days. Warm(ish) rain. Yes, it is the early bloomers that can really give a girl hope.

And this year, there is a bonus: I have my very own roof. And my very own set of stairs that leads to the roof. Which means I will have my very own roof top garden this year!

I've started buying seeds. I've started buying dirt. And in a few short weeks, I will start planting my way into summer.

And just thinking about it now makes me a very, very happy girl.