Wednesday, June 27, 2007

bad omens and bad news

monday morning.... I woke up grumpy. Literally frowning, I think. As I started walking down the hill towards the subway station, I noticed that I was passed by a rather fancy, shiny black car. Two minutes later, as I reach the bottom of the hill, I see a nearly dead dog laying in the middle of the road, being circled by its friend who is no doubt in distress. Neighbors are slowly making their way out of their houses- Nigerians by the dozens, Filipinos, Koreans and well, then there's me. A small Filipino woman carrying an infant is called over by our Nigerian neighbor. "There's the guy, down there," he says. A small muscle bound Korean guy is walking up the hill shouting, "You! Dog!" But then he notices his shiny black car parked in the middle of the street and turns back. The neighbors think he has taken stock of the situation and is making a run for it. The Filipino woman starts shouting, "You! Come back here! This dog alive! Come back! Come back!" The Korean man is in his car. I tap on the window. He looks. I point up the hill towards the shouting woman.

And then I walk away.

Needless to say, my own day turned out terribly.

When I came home, I opened the door to my bedroom and Rani the cat ran straight to my bed and pissed before I had time to realize what she was doing. To top it off, I was under the impression that the General Secretary was avoiding my phone calls and text messages because in the era of instant communication, he didn't respond to me for 7 whole hours.

When he come home, I was sulky and irritable. Definitely ready to pick a fight. I tried. And was met with silence. How infuriating is that?

How about Tuesday? Well, it was kind of okay. The GS knocked off work early and met me and my coworkers, but he was avoiding real talk. So finally, on the way home, I pry it out of him... What the hell is going on with you?

About a month ago, his organization sponsored free full body check ups for all of its workers. His results came back Monday. He has this kind of bacteria in his stomach. A lot of people have this bacteria in their stomachs. But too much of it is an indication of a much more serious problem: stomach cancer. And for those of you up on your stomach cancer stats, you would know that stomach cancer is the second leading cause of death in Korea. And a lot of people think that's because of the diet: spicy, salty, pickled foods, and not many fresh fruits and vegetables. And if you've read this blog for any amount of time, you would probably know that the General Secretary has lived in Korea for nearly 12 years, which means his diet is pretty damn Korean.

So what I'm saying is that while the jury is still out, the chances that the GS has stomach cancer are pretty high. And I'm not sure that he is taking it seriously. Of course he can't quit is job and just hang out all the time, but is it really necessary for him to continue going to the office at 9 am and coming home (like tonight) at 2 or 3 in the morning? His job is high stress. He's a smoker. Recently gotten a bit chubby. Doesn't exercise. Always eats in restaurants.

I found out less than 24 hours ago. Tonight I quit my private lesson so that I can get home in time to cook some healthy food for us. Maybe exercise a little. Maybe even actually try to spend some time together. And he totally unwilling to slow down even a little bit. I realize that maybe the news hasn't had time to sink in. Or maybe he doesn't want it to, but I gotta tell you I feel angry at him right now.

I feel like he's leaving me. Like he's a goddamn asshole for getting so sick in the first place. Like's a fucker for wanting to play the hero and not tell anyone what's going on. Like he has no right to lay the news on me that he might be dying and then pretend like nothing is wrong.

I'm really scared. I feel like I have no one to turn to here. He wants me to "be strong" which basically means that I shouldn't cry. I want to talk about it. He wants to get on with his life. I don't want to be without him. I know that nagging him is not the way to get him to change his lifestyle. But I don't know what else to do.

I guess I should wait until we really know what is going on to freak out. But it's too late. Freak out has commenced.