When I'm in a bad mood, the director of the school is in a bad mood, and my supervisor is in a bad mood, none of us should bother to speak. Yesterday, I got my ass chewed for a making what I thought was a rather modest suggestion. Maybe I said it in an offensive way, I don't know, but what I do know is that the rather innocent comment was not worth the 45 minutes of conversations I had to have as a result of it. Lesson: Keep your mouth shut at work. Whatever it is, it's not worth it.
Especially not when the universe is in a particularly spiteful mood, as it has been this year with me and the GS. And on that note, we are rather rocky at the moment, thanks for asking. He is extremely depressed and feeling hopeless. I'm feeling the same and also neglected. We are just an argument waiting to happen, witness last night circa 1am.
I'm tired. I'm grumpy. I don't want to be at work. In fact, the only place I want to be is in bed. And I'm counting the days til I can leave this job for good. And do what? Who the hell knows, but at least it won't be here.
Showing posts with label on being extremely unhappy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label on being extremely unhappy. Show all posts
Monday, November 12, 2007
Saturday, August 4, 2007
20 Reason to Stay in Bed- Every Day
Yes, I dropped off the face of the earth. I wasn't sure that I was ready to write honestly about how my life was going so I decided not to write at all. Everything that came out felt negative and bitter and the whole world was just feeling a little overwhelming. Well, the whole world still feels a bit overwhelming, and scary and just downright unfair, but I guess it's time to stop hiding and let some people in on what's going on.
Not long after I wrote the post about the GS getting sick, I got a bit sick myself. Not physically, but the stress of living so far from my family and friends, a job that is on good days mildly annoying and on bad days gives me terrorist thoughts, a relationship that requires a lot of energy and patience (which I am quickly running out of).... You get the picture. I was really depressed. So depressed that I spent about a week weighing my options for suicide, throwing temper tantrums that would surely rival those of any tired and angry 2 year old, and being downright nasty to nearly everyone I came into contact with, including many friends who only wanted to cheer me up.
I have obtained contact information for a therapist, but have not yet called. I don't know why really. I obviously can't handle whatever is going on in my life myself, but I haven't brought myself to do it just yet.
I am so frustrated about the fact that there hasn't been any more information about the GS's condition. I have no idea how sick he is, but he is still asymptomatic, so he continues to live in denial about his medical condition. He is working so much that I haven't seen him much at all in the last 3 weeks. In fairness, I did just spend a week on vacation in Taiwan, but I came back on Tuesday and haven't seen the GS for more than a handful of hours since I returned.
To make matters worse, the situation for undocumented workers grows more dangerous by the hour here in Korea. As of August 1, the government expanded immigration powers to the regular police force, so now any Officer Kim could pick the GS off of a street corner (before the regular police could only pick up an undocumented worker if he or she had committed a crime other than a visa violation). Since Wednesday, we know of more than 200 workers who have been picked up. The number is likely much much higher than that, since those numbers come through our friends sending in reports, not any official source.
And the activists we know who have left or have been deported are being harassed by police as soon as they leave Korea. The best example of this is our friend Anwar (the first president of the migrants' union and spent a year in detention here for serving that post), who was arrested twice on his way out of the country. Once in Singapore where he was held only temporarily for questioning about his anti-government activities and then again in Bangladesh were he was held a bit longer, charged with a crime and is on a sort of probation where he has to check in with the Bangladeshi police in his hometown until his court date.
So needless to say, I am really worried about the safety of the GS in addition to his health, which he is doing nothing to take care of. I've stopped nagging as it only gives me more stress when I beg him to do something and he ignores it...
So today I as I write, I feel sad in a deep down sort of way, though I'm not sure of the specific reason. I'm a little lonely, a little bored and a little bit of unsure what I should be doing with myself since I don't have to go to work today. I know the Rev.Dr.Mom and NSLS are going to be worried when they read this, which I suppose is one reason why I decided not write for a while.
I'll get a post up about my trip to Taiwan, including some pictures (really, I took my camera), which I shouldn't be so depressing... I hope...
Not long after I wrote the post about the GS getting sick, I got a bit sick myself. Not physically, but the stress of living so far from my family and friends, a job that is on good days mildly annoying and on bad days gives me terrorist thoughts, a relationship that requires a lot of energy and patience (which I am quickly running out of).... You get the picture. I was really depressed. So depressed that I spent about a week weighing my options for suicide, throwing temper tantrums that would surely rival those of any tired and angry 2 year old, and being downright nasty to nearly everyone I came into contact with, including many friends who only wanted to cheer me up.
I have obtained contact information for a therapist, but have not yet called. I don't know why really. I obviously can't handle whatever is going on in my life myself, but I haven't brought myself to do it just yet.
I am so frustrated about the fact that there hasn't been any more information about the GS's condition. I have no idea how sick he is, but he is still asymptomatic, so he continues to live in denial about his medical condition. He is working so much that I haven't seen him much at all in the last 3 weeks. In fairness, I did just spend a week on vacation in Taiwan, but I came back on Tuesday and haven't seen the GS for more than a handful of hours since I returned.
To make matters worse, the situation for undocumented workers grows more dangerous by the hour here in Korea. As of August 1, the government expanded immigration powers to the regular police force, so now any Officer Kim could pick the GS off of a street corner (before the regular police could only pick up an undocumented worker if he or she had committed a crime other than a visa violation). Since Wednesday, we know of more than 200 workers who have been picked up. The number is likely much much higher than that, since those numbers come through our friends sending in reports, not any official source.
And the activists we know who have left or have been deported are being harassed by police as soon as they leave Korea. The best example of this is our friend Anwar (the first president of the migrants' union and spent a year in detention here for serving that post), who was arrested twice on his way out of the country. Once in Singapore where he was held only temporarily for questioning about his anti-government activities and then again in Bangladesh were he was held a bit longer, charged with a crime and is on a sort of probation where he has to check in with the Bangladeshi police in his hometown until his court date.
So needless to say, I am really worried about the safety of the GS in addition to his health, which he is doing nothing to take care of. I've stopped nagging as it only gives me more stress when I beg him to do something and he ignores it...
So today I as I write, I feel sad in a deep down sort of way, though I'm not sure of the specific reason. I'm a little lonely, a little bored and a little bit of unsure what I should be doing with myself since I don't have to go to work today. I know the Rev.Dr.Mom and NSLS are going to be worried when they read this, which I suppose is one reason why I decided not write for a while.
I'll get a post up about my trip to Taiwan, including some pictures (really, I took my camera), which I shouldn't be so depressing... I hope...
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Well, What Can I Say?
It's true that I've been avoiding everyone. Everyone in Korea. Everyone outside of Korea. Everyone. That's what happens when you can't think of anything good to say. Anything nice and undepressing. Surely the world is as sick of my whining as I am of the complexity and impossibility of my life in Korea.
I don't know how to say it, except that my life feels totally out of my control.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
bad omens and bad news
monday morning.... I woke up grumpy. Literally frowning, I think. As I started walking down the hill towards the subway station, I noticed that I was passed by a rather fancy, shiny black car. Two minutes later, as I reach the bottom of the hill, I see a nearly dead dog laying in the middle of the road, being circled by its friend who is no doubt in distress. Neighbors are slowly making their way out of their houses- Nigerians by the dozens, Filipinos, Koreans and well, then there's me. A small Filipino woman carrying an infant is called over by our Nigerian neighbor. "There's the guy, down there," he says. A small muscle bound Korean guy is walking up the hill shouting, "You! Dog!" But then he notices his shiny black car parked in the middle of the street and turns back. The neighbors think he has taken stock of the situation and is making a run for it. The Filipino woman starts shouting, "You! Come back here! This dog alive! Come back! Come back!" The Korean man is in his car. I tap on the window. He looks. I point up the hill towards the shouting woman.
And then I walk away.
Needless to say, my own day turned out terribly.
When I came home, I opened the door to my bedroom and Rani the cat ran straight to my bed and pissed before I had time to realize what she was doing. To top it off, I was under the impression that the General Secretary was avoiding my phone calls and text messages because in the era of instant communication, he didn't respond to me for 7 whole hours.
When he come home, I was sulky and irritable. Definitely ready to pick a fight. I tried. And was met with silence. How infuriating is that?
How about Tuesday? Well, it was kind of okay. The GS knocked off work early and met me and my coworkers, but he was avoiding real talk. So finally, on the way home, I pry it out of him... What the hell is going on with you?
About a month ago, his organization sponsored free full body check ups for all of its workers. His results came back Monday. He has this kind of bacteria in his stomach. A lot of people have this bacteria in their stomachs. But too much of it is an indication of a much more serious problem: stomach cancer. And for those of you up on your stomach cancer stats, you would know that stomach cancer is the second leading cause of death in Korea. And a lot of people think that's because of the diet: spicy, salty, pickled foods, and not many fresh fruits and vegetables. And if you've read this blog for any amount of time, you would probably know that the General Secretary has lived in Korea for nearly 12 years, which means his diet is pretty damn Korean.
So what I'm saying is that while the jury is still out, the chances that the GS has stomach cancer are pretty high. And I'm not sure that he is taking it seriously. Of course he can't quit is job and just hang out all the time, but is it really necessary for him to continue going to the office at 9 am and coming home (like tonight) at 2 or 3 in the morning? His job is high stress. He's a smoker. Recently gotten a bit chubby. Doesn't exercise. Always eats in restaurants.
I found out less than 24 hours ago. Tonight I quit my private lesson so that I can get home in time to cook some healthy food for us. Maybe exercise a little. Maybe even actually try to spend some time together. And he totally unwilling to slow down even a little bit. I realize that maybe the news hasn't had time to sink in. Or maybe he doesn't want it to, but I gotta tell you I feel angry at him right now.
I feel like he's leaving me. Like he's a goddamn asshole for getting so sick in the first place. Like's a fucker for wanting to play the hero and not tell anyone what's going on. Like he has no right to lay the news on me that he might be dying and then pretend like nothing is wrong.
I'm really scared. I feel like I have no one to turn to here. He wants me to "be strong" which basically means that I shouldn't cry. I want to talk about it. He wants to get on with his life. I don't want to be without him. I know that nagging him is not the way to get him to change his lifestyle. But I don't know what else to do.
I guess I should wait until we really know what is going on to freak out. But it's too late. Freak out has commenced.
And then I walk away.
Needless to say, my own day turned out terribly.
When I came home, I opened the door to my bedroom and Rani the cat ran straight to my bed and pissed before I had time to realize what she was doing. To top it off, I was under the impression that the General Secretary was avoiding my phone calls and text messages because in the era of instant communication, he didn't respond to me for 7 whole hours.
When he come home, I was sulky and irritable. Definitely ready to pick a fight. I tried. And was met with silence. How infuriating is that?
How about Tuesday? Well, it was kind of okay. The GS knocked off work early and met me and my coworkers, but he was avoiding real talk. So finally, on the way home, I pry it out of him... What the hell is going on with you?
About a month ago, his organization sponsored free full body check ups for all of its workers. His results came back Monday. He has this kind of bacteria in his stomach. A lot of people have this bacteria in their stomachs. But too much of it is an indication of a much more serious problem: stomach cancer. And for those of you up on your stomach cancer stats, you would know that stomach cancer is the second leading cause of death in Korea. And a lot of people think that's because of the diet: spicy, salty, pickled foods, and not many fresh fruits and vegetables. And if you've read this blog for any amount of time, you would probably know that the General Secretary has lived in Korea for nearly 12 years, which means his diet is pretty damn Korean.
So what I'm saying is that while the jury is still out, the chances that the GS has stomach cancer are pretty high. And I'm not sure that he is taking it seriously. Of course he can't quit is job and just hang out all the time, but is it really necessary for him to continue going to the office at 9 am and coming home (like tonight) at 2 or 3 in the morning? His job is high stress. He's a smoker. Recently gotten a bit chubby. Doesn't exercise. Always eats in restaurants.
I found out less than 24 hours ago. Tonight I quit my private lesson so that I can get home in time to cook some healthy food for us. Maybe exercise a little. Maybe even actually try to spend some time together. And he totally unwilling to slow down even a little bit. I realize that maybe the news hasn't had time to sink in. Or maybe he doesn't want it to, but I gotta tell you I feel angry at him right now.
I feel like he's leaving me. Like he's a goddamn asshole for getting so sick in the first place. Like's a fucker for wanting to play the hero and not tell anyone what's going on. Like he has no right to lay the news on me that he might be dying and then pretend like nothing is wrong.
I'm really scared. I feel like I have no one to turn to here. He wants me to "be strong" which basically means that I shouldn't cry. I want to talk about it. He wants to get on with his life. I don't want to be without him. I know that nagging him is not the way to get him to change his lifestyle. But I don't know what else to do.
I guess I should wait until we really know what is going on to freak out. But it's too late. Freak out has commenced.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
reflections on a day when the pollution is so bad, you can't leave your house
I remember how when I first came to Korea, I was filled with such an excitement, a sense of awe and wonder at every new cultural discovery, new friendship forged, obstacle overcome. The smallest bit of understanding gave me the greatest feeling of achievement, while minor misunderstandings would lead to tears of frustration for not being able to express myself in Korean. The first year I was here, just leaving my house was an adventure and a challenge, and I always felt rewarded for striking out into unknown territory.
So what happened in the year since? Well, frankly I have grown bored with Seoul, feeling it all at once an entirely predictable city and city full of madness. The culture differences I relished in noticing at first, I now find annoying. Eating rice everyday for every meal now feels oppressive, like the pollution that hangs in the air and infests your lungs. In short, in enduring the long commutes everyday, answering to bosses who act like dictators, pushing my way through crowded shopping areas and trying to learn how to use the backdoor when you want something rather than stating it directly (including saying yes when there is no way in hell you'd ever do it) have worn me down and made me weary.
I just don't like living here anymore. The adventure is over. It's real life now. And frankly, the quality of life here sucks. This is live to work culture. And my life simply. can't. be. work.
I am ready for a slower paced society. With less uptight people. And more trees. And less pollution. And shorter working hours. But with the same high quality, cheap public transportation. Any ideas, people?
p.s. Just so you don't get any ideas:
Dear family, I am staying here for 10 more months and was just informed about how shitty my "summer vacation" is, so I won't be able to get back for a visit until this stinkin job is over. God, Korea really gets on my tits sometimes.
So what happened in the year since? Well, frankly I have grown bored with Seoul, feeling it all at once an entirely predictable city and city full of madness. The culture differences I relished in noticing at first, I now find annoying. Eating rice everyday for every meal now feels oppressive, like the pollution that hangs in the air and infests your lungs. In short, in enduring the long commutes everyday, answering to bosses who act like dictators, pushing my way through crowded shopping areas and trying to learn how to use the backdoor when you want something rather than stating it directly (including saying yes when there is no way in hell you'd ever do it) have worn me down and made me weary.
I just don't like living here anymore. The adventure is over. It's real life now. And frankly, the quality of life here sucks. This is live to work culture. And my life simply. can't. be. work.
I am ready for a slower paced society. With less uptight people. And more trees. And less pollution. And shorter working hours. But with the same high quality, cheap public transportation. Any ideas, people?
p.s. Just so you don't get any ideas:
Dear family, I am staying here for 10 more months and was just informed about how shitty my "summer vacation" is, so I won't be able to get back for a visit until this stinkin job is over. God, Korea really gets on my tits sometimes.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
insecurity on the rise, fueled by good old fashioned sibling rivalry
and some other things, too...
Maybe it's just cause I'm so far away, and things here just aren't that great, but I've started feeling jealous of the rest of my family. Of my sister for marrying into such a great family and now buying a house, and becoming much closer to our mother than I've ever known her to be; of my older brother for finding the job he's always wanted and finding a woman almost immediately after that he wants to marry. It's not just that. When I talked to my family on Christmas, I couldn't help but feel replaced, like they couldn't care less whether or not I was actually there. While I, on the other hand, wanted desperately to be there and share in the fun and the food. Sitting on this side of the computer, and actually watching them hang out with each other and stuff home-made cookies in their mouths via internet camera phone (whatever you call that) really didn't make me feel apart of it. If anything, it just emphasized the distance between us.
To make for me, what is already a strange subject even stranger, I have blog envy. Yes readers, that's right. Blog Envy. I don't really want say exactly what the problem is here for fear of actually making it worse, but someone has kind of hurt my feelings by not wanting to be associated with me on the internet. I know, it's so freakin weird, right? I mean it's the internet. And it's like, mostly anonymous, but still... I'm just so confused about this is whole cyber space thing, and cyber friendship and how all that actually relates to real life, but I'm finding that apparently, it does. And in this case, it relates to the fact that someone out there that I actually know and care about is embarrassed of me, for reasons that I can't quite pin down.
Maybe it's just cause I'm so far away, and things here just aren't that great, but I've started feeling jealous of the rest of my family. Of my sister for marrying into such a great family and now buying a house, and becoming much closer to our mother than I've ever known her to be; of my older brother for finding the job he's always wanted and finding a woman almost immediately after that he wants to marry. It's not just that. When I talked to my family on Christmas, I couldn't help but feel replaced, like they couldn't care less whether or not I was actually there. While I, on the other hand, wanted desperately to be there and share in the fun and the food. Sitting on this side of the computer, and actually watching them hang out with each other and stuff home-made cookies in their mouths via internet camera phone (whatever you call that) really didn't make me feel apart of it. If anything, it just emphasized the distance between us.
To make for me, what is already a strange subject even stranger, I have blog envy. Yes readers, that's right. Blog Envy. I don't really want say exactly what the problem is here for fear of actually making it worse, but someone has kind of hurt my feelings by not wanting to be associated with me on the internet. I know, it's so freakin weird, right? I mean it's the internet. And it's like, mostly anonymous, but still... I'm just so confused about this is whole cyber space thing, and cyber friendship and how all that actually relates to real life, but I'm finding that apparently, it does. And in this case, it relates to the fact that someone out there that I actually know and care about is embarrassed of me, for reasons that I can't quite pin down.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
round and round and round she goes
where she stops?
DUCK!!!
To my room-mates: Gosh I'm sorry.
To the GS: Gosh, I really really really am sorry.
To my Korean Teacher: 선생님, 정말 미안합니다. 오늘부터 꼭 공부할거예요.
To my job (which I flaked out on yesterday by faking the stomach flu): Not sorry at all. I just don't care about you anymore.
My fit of depression seems to have temporarily ended and boy do I feel embarrassed for all the tears, not-so-nice-words directed at a certain special person, and the general crankiness that I make people endure. It's just that... well, I feel like I just can't control myself.
So today the merry-go-round stopped in a good place. Hopefully... well you know. Hopefully we can all look at the day and see some bright things and try to feel not totally and completely awful about the world...
And now, CHICKEN! (time for dinner!) (Yes, I know there is avian influenza here. I'm the one who told you, remember? It's just that... it was already cooked on a spit and it smells soooo good.)
DUCK!!!
To my room-mates: Gosh I'm sorry.
To the GS: Gosh, I really really really am sorry.
To my Korean Teacher: 선생님, 정말 미안합니다. 오늘부터 꼭 공부할거예요.
To my job (which I flaked out on yesterday by faking the stomach flu): Not sorry at all. I just don't care about you anymore.
My fit of depression seems to have temporarily ended and boy do I feel embarrassed for all the tears, not-so-nice-words directed at a certain special person, and the general crankiness that I make people endure. It's just that... well, I feel like I just can't control myself.
So today the merry-go-round stopped in a good place. Hopefully... well you know. Hopefully we can all look at the day and see some bright things and try to feel not totally and completely awful about the world...
And now, CHICKEN! (time for dinner!) (Yes, I know there is avian influenza here. I'm the one who told you, remember? It's just that... it was already cooked on a spit and it smells soooo good.)
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Al Green Said It All
I'm so tired of being alone.
So say for example, that you started getting real fat even though you don't actually eat that much; that you can't sleep and you have chronic headaches; that the only people you talk to in a day are your 10 year old students who can't even speak english; that you are in a relationship that feels dead in the water despite the fact that you really are in love; that you cry over everything; and that you aren't actually interested in, well, anything anymore... Do you think this would mean that you are depressed?
I'm just wondering because, uh, I have a friend who really wants to know...
So say for example, that you started getting real fat even though you don't actually eat that much; that you can't sleep and you have chronic headaches; that the only people you talk to in a day are your 10 year old students who can't even speak english; that you are in a relationship that feels dead in the water despite the fact that you really are in love; that you cry over everything; and that you aren't actually interested in, well, anything anymore... Do you think this would mean that you are depressed?
I'm just wondering because, uh, I have a friend who really wants to know...
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