Planning Christmas

Should I spend $240 to go to Orlando for a day and a half to see my grandmother when I'm home for Christmas? Would it be horrible if I didn't go at all?

The problem is that I'm home for so little time. And I imagine visiting my grandmother would also entail staying with my aunt or cousin, which I can't say that I'd be very excited about. Nor would I be excited about being there alone. Nor would I be excited about Florida.

Honestly, I don't really want to go. But I have a whole bunch of guilt. I haven't seen my grandmother for maybe 5 years. ( Actually, I'm not sure, but I think it was at my grandfather's funeral) And well, she's old and moved into a home now and doesn't get around so good, so you know, it's kind of a now or maybe never thing. But our family (as in my mom's family) isn't exactly what you would call close. And honestly, I don't really mind all that much... I just mean that I'm used to it so it doesn't really tear me apart to not see them on a holiday.

And there are a lot of people in Vermont that I'd really like to see.

And what about my older brother? He's engaged now...Where is he going to be?

Why does planning a trip home for Christmas have to entail how everybody I know feels about my homecoming?

Maybe I'm just a rotten and selfish person. I should go...

Longing

Tonight I took a long walk through my favorite part of Seoul. The art districts in Insa-dong and Sam Chung Dong are nestled between the bustling financial and shopping center of central Seoul and the historic palaces of Gyeongbuk and Deok Sung. This part of Seoul is full of cherry trees, lilac, azaleas, forsythia and newly budding Maple and Ginkgo trees. It's a special time of year in Korea, with lots of reasons to celebrate and as you walk through the streets, there is definitely a festive air. Since Buddha's birthday is coming up, colorful paper laterns line the streets and adorn the already lovely sprind green trees.

While walking through the winding streets, you can stumble upon fancy guest houses in traditional Korean buildings, hidden art galleries, funky little boutiques, and Buddhist temples are practically everywhere you turn. The streets are full of couple holding hands; monks with their shaved heads and grey half hanbok, half monk uniform. And, of course, there are tourists. On the main road in Insa-dong, there are lots of street vendors selling roasted chestnuts, special candy, rice cake sweets, kitchy tourist wares, handmade paper, art supplies. And there are entertainers. Tonight there was band playing what sounded like New Orleans-styled Jazz. (go figure)

This part of Korea feels a lot like a certain place at home to me. Except that in Insa-dong, the chances of running into someone you know are pretty slim. And as I was walking, I was thinking about how I have already been here for more than 2 years and no one has come to visit me. And probably no one ever will.

Lil sister was supposed to make her way over in May with her hubby the Mr. LS, but they bought a house and well, that's that. (No Lil Sis, this is not a guilt trip)...

I just wish someone could come here to share this crazy place with me, to see what my life is like. To judge for themselves what they like and don't like about Korean culture instead of taking my word for it.

Doesn't anyone want to know what my life is like here? Can't you come to me??!!

argh!

As per Not So Little Sister's advice, I went and browsed the online Anne Taylor Loft catalogue. Well, I can tell you that I am well pissed because until I looked at that, I had forgotten that I actually like clothes. I had forgotten that there are actually cute clothes in this world that come in my size. And then I was reminded: No more credit cards for me. Which means no online shopping. Which means wearing the same old ugly clothes that I have been wearing for the last 3 years.

I need to leave this country just so I can go shopping!!! Maybe I'll go to Hong Kong or Singapore on my summer vacation for only that reason. Damn you and all the skinny girls with naff taste, Korea.

reflections on a day when the pollution is so bad, you can't leave your house

I remember how when I first came to Korea, I was filled with such an excitement, a sense of awe and wonder at every new cultural discovery, new friendship forged, obstacle overcome. The smallest bit of understanding gave me the greatest feeling of achievement, while minor misunderstandings would lead to tears of frustration for not being able to express myself in Korean. The first year I was here, just leaving my house was an adventure and a challenge, and I always felt rewarded for striking out into unknown territory.

So what happened in the year since? Well, frankly I have grown bored with Seoul, feeling it all at once an entirely predictable city and city full of madness. The culture differences I relished in noticing at first, I now find annoying. Eating rice everyday for every meal now feels oppressive, like the pollution that hangs in the air and infests your lungs. In short, in enduring the long commutes everyday, answering to bosses who act like dictators, pushing my way through crowded shopping areas and trying to learn how to use the backdoor when you want something rather than stating it directly (including saying yes when there is no way in hell you'd ever do it) have worn me down and made me weary.

I just don't like living here anymore. The adventure is over. It's real life now. And frankly, the quality of life here sucks. This is live to work culture. And my life simply. can't. be. work.

I am ready for a slower paced society. With less uptight people. And more trees. And less pollution. And shorter working hours. But with the same high quality, cheap public transportation. Any ideas, people?

p.s. Just so you don't get any ideas:
Dear family, I am staying here for 10 more months and was just informed about how shitty my "summer vacation" is, so I won't be able to get back for a visit until this stinkin job is over. God, Korea really gets on my tits sometimes.

pollution update

i have been wiping greyish dirty looking stuff from the inside of my nose for two weeks.

my snot has a black-ish tint to it.

just imagine what my lungs must look like.

insecurity on the rise, fueled by good old fashioned sibling rivalry

and some other things, too...

Maybe it's just cause I'm so far away, and things here just aren't that great, but I've started feeling jealous of the rest of my family. Of my sister for marrying into such a great family and now buying a house, and becoming much closer to our mother than I've ever known her to be; of my older brother for finding the job he's always wanted and finding a woman almost immediately after that he wants to marry. It's not just that. When I talked to my family on Christmas, I couldn't help but feel replaced, like they couldn't care less whether or not I was actually there. While I, on the other hand, wanted desperately to be there and share in the fun and the food. Sitting on this side of the computer, and actually watching them hang out with each other and stuff home-made cookies in their mouths via internet camera phone (whatever you call that) really didn't make me feel apart of it. If anything, it just emphasized the distance between us.

To make for me, what is already a strange subject even stranger, I have blog envy. Yes readers, that's right. Blog Envy. I don't really want say exactly what the problem is here for fear of actually making it worse, but someone has kind of hurt my feelings by not wanting to be associated with me on the internet. I know, it's so freakin weird, right? I mean it's the internet. And it's like, mostly anonymous, but still... I'm just so confused about this is whole cyber space thing, and cyber friendship and how all that actually relates to real life, but I'm finding that apparently, it does. And in this case, it relates to the fact that someone out there that I actually know and care about is embarrassed of me, for reasons that I can't quite pin down.

the christmas that wasn't and the quiz that was spawned as a result

Perhaps this year was the loneliest and most disappointing Christmas I have yet to experience. While my family was busy having a top of the charts holiday, I was stuck here in South Korea with an Islamic boyfriend who has never celebrated Christmas before and wasn't aware that it was important to me, and a couple of well intentioned but equally clueless Korean guy pals. Only now do I realize that I have to tell everyone what is important to me because I'm from a different place and they just don't know. So I guess I blew that one.

On the up side, at least my family did call me this year, thanks to the power of free internet calling and I did receive several international text messages from friends scattered throughout the world, and one of my best pals back home has been trying to get in touch with me for like three days... So hey, I know you guys tried and I thank you for it. And I apologize for being such a schmuck and not even trying to get in touch with any of you... Hopefully you can appreciate my situation.

God, I sound like such a jerk and it's about to get worse. Here's a confessional of a shitty girlfriend thing to do:

I was feeling bad about Christmas. And I was wondering how far apart my expectations were from the GS's in terms of relationship roles, what's important to us, etc. So I last night I gave him a pop quiz. In front of our other two single guy roommates. Yes, I took out my frustration on all of them.

1. What kind of gift would I like to get?
my kiss.
Well, that's very sweet but wrong. Now I'm not saying I want something expensive, but well, I do want something...

2.What's a good date activity?
A long drive with me.
Well, I have to give him points for listening because as we were walking through the markets on Christmas Day, and I did express the desire to get in a car and drive until we felt like stopping. But we have no car and we have no license so it's just not possible. Any other ideas? Uhhhh.....

3.What time should a boyfriend come home?
by 8:30 pm
A more than acceptable answer considering we both work in the evenings...

4. True or False: It is okay to be drunk when you arrive home.
False.
Good answer.

5. Which holidays are important?
New Year's and Sundays.
Um, birthdays? Christmas? Thanksgiving. We're talking about me, too, Mr. GS.

6. True or False: A boyfriend must always tell the truth.
True.
Now, this is not a transgression that the GS is guilty of, but we have a friend who is quite guilty of lying to his better half over the most ridiculous things, so you know... Well, I had to ask.

7. What are the appropriate gift-giving holidays?
Love and some thing special.
Well, sweet again, but not quite right. I was looking for birthday and Christmas.

8. When should you compliment your woman?
Every morning, evening and night.
Okay, I'll take that.

9. True or False: It is a woman's duty to clean and take care of children.
True.
No hesitation. No, "well, what do you mean by that?" And so serious conversation ensued. Don't worry mom and sister, in the end he said it is our responsibility to share duties and the person who is home more should clean more and if we aren't home we have to divide the roles. And about the child thing, well there is a lot more talking to do before there's any bun in this oven.

10. Do you love me?
yes.

So I know this was a kind of silly thing to do, but really it was helpful because even I didn't know I cared so much about receiving a present until I didn't get one. And because we are from completely different worlds, I guess we have to really tell each other what is important because we just don't know. I was just hoping that we would understand me without having to spell it all out, but I guess that's a stupid thing to think. Except that a lot of those things would be kind of automatic to an American, so you know, I don't know.

The GS really is a good sport, participated, endured my criticism and still loves me even though I'm kind of crazy... And he seems to know that I can dish it, but I can't take it so he's always easy on me... guess I'm lucky about that...

Al Green Said It All

I'm so tired of being alone.


So say for example, that you started getting real fat even though you don't actually eat that much; that you can't sleep and you have chronic headaches; that the only people you talk to in a day are your 10 year old students who can't even speak english; that you are in a relationship that feels dead in the water despite the fact that you really are in love; that you cry over everything; and that you aren't actually interested in, well, anything anymore... Do you think this would mean that you are depressed?

I'm just wondering because, uh, I have a friend who really wants to know...

Just Look At Your Terrible Life!

So I managed to pull together a Thanksgiving Meal and invited some korean friends, but about halfway through the meal I lost interest in the idea of Thanksgiving because everyone was speaking korean and i felt alone anyways. So they had a great time and loved my (quasi) American cooking, while I spent half of the evening looking to see if any of my family tried to call me or send me any messages (they didn't) and cleaning up after the human termites who were in my house. Yes, that is kimchi on left corner of the table. What do you want, I live in Korea.

Here are the termites, aka my korean family, at work. When we were mostly done with the eating portion of the programme and moved on to binge drinking, Nak June made what is now famously called his goddamn. It started with making kiwi peels into shot glasses and progressed into an apple cup that had a little bit of everything on the table in it. It was disgusting. I guess we needed some entertainment.

Nak June and Kang Yong would say, "just look at your terrible life!" It's a joke around our house these days about how pathetic we all are, but really, look at my terrible life. Right now my classes aren't in session and I'm only working two days a week (in the evenings) so I'm really having problems getting motivated and finding things to fill my days. My house is already spotless and I've read a shit-ton of books lately and I'm sort of at a loss for what comes next. Some days i don't get out of my pjs at all. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? The good news is that classes start again next week, so I'll least be busy on a sort of half-time basis, although I'm not feeling very enthusiastic about learning Korean these days.

It's kimchi making season, so you see stacks of cabbage and turnips hanging out all over the place this time of year. This is in my neighborhood. I'm going to make kimchi next week with an activist group. I'll let you know how it goes.

This is a persimmon tree with persimmons drying on it. It's a little confusing because the persimmons are no longer attached to the tree, but actually they originally came from that tree. I don't like persimmons myself, but if I did, I would be lucky because I have access to this very tree from my rooftop. I was excited until I tasted the fruit. Too sweet.

Korean Dysfunctional Season Disorder

Last year I had this feeling too. Like I vaguely knew that the holidays were upon us, though I couldn't tell you exactly when they would appear. This year, I missed Halloween completely (yes, I was totally oblivious) and I have only discovered that this week- Thursday -is Thanksgiving from an email I received from a friend inviting me to their dinner, if only I could access some sort of free magical teleporter. In a vain attempt to keep track of American holidays, I had written Thanksgiving onto my living room calendar so that my Korean roommates would know why I was depressed that day and why I had cooked an inordinate amount of food. But, I actually wrote it on a Tuesday, the week after Thanksgiving. I mean, I guess in reality, we can be thankful any old day, but this just seemed to reinforce the fact that I am a lost American adrift in a sea of Koreans.

For the first time in my live abroad life, I have no American friends. I have no point of connection for Western holidays. Yay, for immersion, but BOO for feeling totally out of it. I noticed this week as I strolled through Myeong Dong that they were putting up Christmas lights on all of the major department stores (tastefully, I might add, but I think it was only the beginning) and in the cheaper market areas of NamDaeMun and Dongdaemun, tacky santa claus stores have appeared. But this means nothing to me because right next to santa claus, you can buy halloween masks. To make matters even more confusing, Fall has only reached Seoul in the last two weeks, and some of the Ginkos and Sycamores are still green; the Japanese Maples are green, burgundany and brilliant red all at the same time. Sure, I've started wearing a coat outdoors, but this has more do with keeping up with Seoul fashion than it does the weather.

And this morning I read my mom's blog about her feeling all scroogey about the commercialization of Christmas. Well, mom, don't come to Seoul now because Christmas is only here for commercial purposes. In Korea, Christmas is a "romantic-style couple day" when lovers buy each other things they don't need (and in my estimation are pretty ugly), and stroll hand in hand by Cheon Gye Cheon , a newly gentrified (in Seoul Metro Government speak "restored") area that during this time of year is chock full of hyperchristmas spirit. And everyone wears those stupid pink dog face hats that they got for free with their purchase of a baskin robbins ice cream cake, which for some reason, despite the cold weather, also becomes very popular this time of year (maybe it's the free hats and earmuffs?)

To make matters worse, I know that this year for the first time in what seems like my whole adult life, my family has actually planned a big Christmas celebration at my mother's home. I searched desperately for a plane ticket, but the cheapest one I found cost $1,800 before taxes and I would have to miss 3 days of my very expensive Korean class, which I absolutely cannot afford to fail (I mean literally I can't because then I would lose my visa and would have wasted all that money).

Anyway, lately my life feels like I'm in "Lost in Translation" except that there is no Bill Murray character. Imagine that movie without Bill Murray; it's not nearly as fun or interesting, right?

Did I mention that it actually snowed here a few weeks ago?

Goddammit, I wish that Magnolia tree right outside my house would just drop its leaves (which are still mostly brilliant green) so we could get on with winter. Then maybe everything would feel normal.