Sunday, October 7, 2007

A letter to the GS

Dear GS,

Here we are, more than a year later, and still our relationship hasn't changed. Well, I mean it hasn't changed on the surface. You are still too busy, and I'm still always annoyed with your inability to commit time to me, to us. Our arguments are still the same, and our challenges maybe even more complicated than they were a year ago. But our relationship a year ago was still fresh and new; our time together precious and little; our love filled with urgency and passion.

And as the year passed, your physical distance fostered in me an emotional distance. While your commitment and love for me hasn't changed, my actions and indeed my feelings for you have been growing cold. You question me in passing. You raise the issue without actually raising it, and I dismiss it by telling you that you are silly. But you are right. I don't shower you with kisses like I used to. I no longer utter the words "I love you" or 'I miss you' in the morning or at the end of the day. I give you the emotional distance that I feel, maybe as a result of your physical distance.

None of this was really conscious on my part. I kind of noticed in a detached way, as a person observing my own emotions and actions from another's eyes. I worried about it in unemotional way, as though I was watching the passing of the seasons. I thought I was giving you subtle warnings that I was growing apart from you, but I wasn't really being honest enough with myself to be honest with you about it.

So now, I ignore the longing glances you give me when we are together; I turn my back to you when you need physical assurance in our relationship; and I don't reciprocate the acts of kindness and love that you still manage to give me, despite my emotional distance. Worst of all, I pretend I don't see that hurt look in your eyes when I do all of these things. I can see that you are trying to feel your way out of the dark- trying to figure out what might strike my fancy and bring back my neediness, urgency, passion and love.

And at this point I am so full of doubt about our future that I guess I feel like all of this distance is necessary so that I'm not blown out of the water when I discover that the relationship we have in Korea is not a relationship that could work in any other time or place. The impossibility of immigrating, the distinct possibility of you ending up in jail either as a result of your political activity or wife's family leave too many openings for failure. I know that you are not ready to give up, and at this point I'm not either, but I guess I feel like I'm protecting myself from the distinct possibility of life without you later by trying to minimize the emotional impact of life with you now.

I don't think you fully recognize how afraid I am of a future without you, nor that I am also afraid of the difficulties that a future with you will also almost certainly entail. Our problems and obstacles seem insurmountable.

I'm not writing this because I want to tell you that we are over. In fact it is completely the opposite. I want to figure out how I can make the flame within me burn hot again. I want to give myself to you. I want to have enough faith in us to make it through whatever it is we are going to have to face together. But I cannot get those kinds of reassurances from the kind of life that we live now. What I want to know is, when will you take a long enough break from solving the problems of the world to help me solve the problems of our relationship?

I am sorry that I need you to be here more. And I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to just support you in fighting for a better world. I'm sorry that I am not selfless enough to say that the movement is more important than our relationship and you being away so much is okay. In the beginning, I thought I might be all of those things, but I'm not. I'm sorry for making you believe that in the beginning I was all of those things. As it turns out, I'm just a normal person with average ambitions and needs. If you were looking for superwoman, I'm not your girl. And for that, I am also sorry.

GS, I do love you. I do want this to work. But I'm lost. Please help me find us again.

Your jaan

edited to add: I don't know about the appropriateness of posting stuff like this. On the one hand, it seems way too personal, but on the other hand, I don't really have anyone in Korea to talk to about this stuff so this is, sadly, my only outlet... More on my completely pathetic and lonely life later...

Saturday, October 6, 2007

what a nightmare

I just spent the last few hours trying to navigate the DoD's web page on visa requirements for fiancees and spouses of American citizens. There seem to be a million hoops, and with the hoops, a million ways to be denied entry to the United States...

The GS and I are trying to plan some future that does not include Korea, but it looks like it is going to be costly and difficult to get him into the US- even for a relatively short visit.

His political activity, status as an illegal immigrant and lack of financial resources, combined with my debt and lack of US domicile make it almost impossible for us to live America.

Shit... What if Bangladesh is our only option?!

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Reason Number 762 Why You Shouldn't Vote for Hillary

"I believe that we lost critical time in dealing with Iran because the White House chose to downplay the threats and to outsource the negotiations. I don't believe you face threats like Iran or North Korea by outsourcing it to others and standing on the sidelines. But let's be clear about the threat we face now: A nuclear Iran is a danger to Israel, to its neighbors and beyond. The regime's pro-terrorist, anti-American and anti-Israel rhetoric only underscores the urgency of the threat it poses. U.S. policy must be clear and unequivocal. We cannot and should not – must not – permit Iran to build or acquire nuclear weapons. In order to prevent that from occurring, we must have more support vigorously and publicly expressed by China and Russia, and we must move as quickly as feasible for sanctions in the United Nations. And we cannot take any option off the table in sending a clear message to the current leadership of Iran – that they will not be permitted to acquire nuclear weapons."

That was HRC in January. Here's what she voted for in the US Senate last week (from the text of the Lieberman Kyl Amendment):

(3) that it should be the policy of the United States to combat, contain, and [stop] the violent activities and destabilizing influence inside Iraq of the Government of the Islamic Republic of Iran, its foreign facilitators such as Lebanese Hezbollah, and its indigenous Iraqi proxies;

(4) to support the prudent and calibrated use of all instruments of United States national power in Iraq, including diplomatic, economic, intelligence, and military instruments, in support of the policy described in paragraph (3) with respect to the Government of the Islamic Republic of Iran and its proxies.

You can read her statement about supporting this piece of legislation here.

The main problem with resolution (besides the fact that it opens up the possibility of war with Iran) is that it escalates an already tense situation in the Middle East. This, in turn, lead to the Iranian Foreign Ministry and Parliament labeling the US Army and CIA as terrorist organizations. This, combined with heightened rhetoric about the ties between Baghdad and Tehran (countries that are neighbors and can't really afford to be enemies in the long run)... Well, you draw your own conclusion.

I'm just saying that I don't want my next president to be someone who doesn't take the time to understand the cultural and political implications of her (or his) decisions. She's supposed to be smart. Political intelligence includes the ability to understand your enemies. Instead of neutralizing and already angry Iran, she helps to make it worse. And I bet that Iran could afford and sustain a pro-longed war against the US...

I'm just sayin....

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

I watched Wolf Blitzer (?) on CNN this weekend, and that made me think about two things: War with Iran (and how I am suddenly totally and completely convinced that we are going to invade them like any day now) and Nancy Pelosi (Gosh, I want to like her, but she doesn't really have anything going for her. I just couldn't understand her when she was talking about how the Democrats are changing/defying/opposing Bush policies. I mean, Stop making excuses and give people a reason to believe you have ideas and can actually change something).

And those two thoughts lead me to this conclusion: Never get your news from CNN. And definitely don't watch the hostile questioning of Democrats, especially when you are already ye of little faith.

Oh Dear Democrats, Grow a backbone!

And I also want to add this: If any more of you assholes add me to another candidate's email/contribution list I will never speak to you again. I am not joking. I will not EVER give any Democratic candidate money and no amount of goading will change that. I can barely even stand voting, thank you for much. And no, I don't like Hillary. Seriously. I don't care if she is a woman.