bulleted lists are for uncohesive thoughts

• I was thinking yesterday about what I was like when I graduated from college. That was almost 8 years ago now, and at that time I thought somehow I was going to do something important to change the world. I was a good student and all of my professors were quite fond of me. I think it's safe to say that they expected a lot from me. I was one of the those young people that made older people feel comfortable about the future.
• And now I just kind of wonder what happened to me. After political organizing, union organizing, antiwar activizing, and being involved again with migrant workers and unions in Korea, I just feel tired, cynical and jaded. I don't want to try to change the world anymore. My own life is hard enough to deal with, much less trying to take on any systematic problems.
• And that really depresses me. Because it seems that all of those people who expected me to be some kind of amazing person must be disappointed in my ability to be involved in the world any more. And I'm disappointed in myself.
  
• I used to be, well, ambitious. I knew what I wanted and I did it. I always did it. I stood out amongst my peers as a leader, but whenever I actually found myself in a leadership position, I would back out of it or quit. I never trusted myself to make the right decision, and in the end, I was too afraid of making the wrong decision and being held accountable for it.
  
• And now I regret that. If I could manage to get some of that energy back, I would want to take charge. I would want to do it my way. Because I think I know how to do it. But then again, that would require me to actually care about something other than my own life. And for some reason, I don't know if I have the capacity to do that anymore.
  

And Another Thing

I feel stupid lately. Like literally. On Wednesday night, I got into a debate with a Thomas Friedman-esque warm and fuzzy neo-con about the current free trade agreement negotiations between Korea and America and got my ass handed to me on a platter. It was humiliating to have been routed so thoroughly by a totally one-sided argument that is incredibly easy to see through, but I just didn't bring it.

And for some reason I can't stop thinking about how much that rather insignificant incident bothers me.

Is it because I sounded so ill-informed?

Is it just because I know if someone were judging the debate, I would've lost?

Is it because I seemed to have lost all of my abilities to think on my feet and verbally eviscerate?

Why yes, it would be all of those things. Korea makes me stupider.

Gah.

And Life Goes On

Well, I guess it's a good thing that I don't have high expectations for much of anything anymore because if I did, I reckon I might've been disappointed by today. You see, today I went to my unpaid training at the new school where I'll be teaching in March. But it wasn't so much a training as a really long meeting to inform us that we are going to be so busy that we won't have time to pee, breath or finish all of our mandatory lesson planning due to the incredibly heavy teaching load we'll have. I mean, in a school where you will be teaching 33 of the available 40 hours in a work week, you would think that they would want to cut down on the extra paperwork crap so you would have time to prepare your brain and materials for your classes. But then, you remember that this is Korea and what usually makes sense in the work place is ignored, as is conventional wisdom about efficiency, productivity and workplace happiness.

But you see, I was expecting all of this, so no, I am not disappointed. But I am wondering, should I just drop it? I haven't not signed a contract, gotten my visa or made any deals that I can't break, so would it be so terrible to just not do it? Of course, I do live in Korea and if I live here, I'm gonna hafta work here... So then, is it just pointless to quit this job before it starts and find another, equally shitty job? I mean, let's face it, I haven't liked any job I've had in this country, so should I even try? If I know the reality, can I live with it?

Okay, these are all redundant questions. I'm not going to run. I'm not going to quit. AND I'M NOT LEAVING KOREA YET, so don't even throw that one up in the comments field... On the up side, my new coworkers seem decent. I think I might even like them, but it's not official so no press conferences, okay?

And the rest of my life? Well, you could say that it goes on. My Korean is improving despite the fact that I never study. The GS has been re-elected, and the GS, as usual, is not home even though it's my bedtime. Rani the cat is bigly huge now, but still pees in my room when she is angry at the GS. And my roommates, no, they aren't home either.

Like I said. Life. It goes on.

my name is woman warrior and i am addicted to tv

As my new kitten, Rani, sits on my shoulder and grooms the left side of my face, my hair and my neck, I wonder, when did my world go from the New York Times and NPR to America's Next Top Model and Project Runway? How is it that in the last couple of months I've transitioned from intellectual(ish) activist to Tyra Banks cheerleader?

It's true, I spend surprisingly little time these days... thinking. Observing. Analyzing. Reading. And let me tell you that it is not for lack of time. It's just that, well, I spend all of my free time watching elimination show after elimination show, spiced up with a little Sex and the City, and the occasional movie.

And let me tell you something else. This does not have anything to do with depression. No siree. Well, maybe the original habit does, but hey, I'm over that. Really. The days are getting longer, things are looking brighter and I'm actually hanging out with *new* friends (well acquaintances at least). That is, when I'm not home watching TV.

You see, there is just always a big excuse. Like this week, I fell really very extremely ill and literally couldn't leave the house for like 3 days. I mean, the air is damp right now, cold and full of pollution. The air is so thick, it chokes you. And the dampness seems to stick to you. So no way was I going out there. Nope. I mean, one breath of that air, and I like fall to the ground in a coughing/choking on air fit that has been rivaled few times in my life. (Although, for those of you who remember the bronchitis I contracted during the Pollina campaign in 2000, well, this might compare.)

So I guess I feel that I'm ready to enter the thinking world once again. Only, well, where do I start? (I suppose now wouldn't be the time to turn off the computer, and turn on the tv, would it?)

Somebody, please, tell me what to read!!!

Another Job Dilemma

The history:

This summer I took a job with a reputable and high paying private institute. I had friends who worked there, vouched for it, and it is a difficult job to get. The screening and interview process is rigorous and unlike most private institutes in Korea, they don't just hire anyone off the street. So when I started, I had some pretty high expectations about the professionalism, work environment and level of organization at my new school. But as it always seems to be, I was almost immediately disappointed when I discovered my supervisor what a nit-picky, inarticulate, paranoia-inducing jerk, and the school wasn't as organized as I had hoped it to be. Nor had they fulfilled all of their contract obligations to us (four people were hired at the same time) regarding our hiring, and while my co-workers weren't happy, they weren't willing to speak up for the things to which we were entitled. But I was designated bitch and lead the charge, and we eventually received everything we were supposed to get. Which lead me and said supervisor almost immediately into a vicious cycle of confrontation and passive aggressiveness that ended only when I was terminated, on the weekend via text message and email just 6 weeks or so after I had started.

I was shocked, pissed off, and thrown into immediate financial peril. Not to mention that I am here on a guest worker visa, which is terminated when your job is terminated... Oh, the problems were really starting.

So when the owner of this institute offered to extend my visa, somewhat indefinitely, if I would substitute a class here and there, I couldn't really refuse. I need money. And even more than that, I need a visa. So this little agreement has lead to apologies, followed by more steady work, and now followed by a full-fledged job offer at a new school that she just opened, where I happened to substitute for her yesterday. Where the money is good, and where I'll be teaching little kids again, and where the hours are somewhat normal (now I teach at night, which is convenient for the time-being, but I'd like a normal 9-5...)

Is refusing this job a case of too much pride? I know I've been apologized to, but the way I was fired was just so dirty. I feel so burned. And I feel like they know they made a mistake in firing me and not that damn supervisor (actually, after I was fired, then talked to, then apologized to, they investigated a little more and discovered the inarticulate prick was the problem and not me, and he got the boot, too)... I don't want to refuse what might be a good job, but I also don't want to put myself in the path of getting burned again. Because it has become all too clear to me that this boss is not afraid to burn people. Now I am in the unique position of doing "favors" for her by subbing. I say when; I dictate the rate of pay. I am a free agent. But if I'm contracted to work for her again, won't that relationship change?

Oh, the headache... What should I do?