Mama, You Been On My Mind

So today I watched High Fidelty. Anytime I see a John Cusack film, it gets me thinking about a certain ex-boyfriend.... The one who was like a big brother to skinny monkey girl and CB; the one whose family was sure that we'd marry; the one who had "rescued" me from the misery of our home that first year in Vermont before my step-father made his great escape without a goodbye; The first one I was really in love with.

This film in particular reminds me of that boy because for one thing, he loved John Cusack. And this film. And for another, it is in a way about relationship karma. After a rather long, tearful and slightly cruel break up with first love (yes, it was definitely me that did some pretty serious heart-breaking) , all of my relationships felt doomed. What I mean to say is that I just kept falling for these guys who had no interest in a real relationship with me. I was fun to hang out with, great to talk to, whatever, but in the end, friendship was the only thing that ever came out of those relationships. I held a steady pace of falling for guys who weren't into having a relationship. At least not with me. And because of the way that I had treated first love, I began to feel like I deserved it and when I had re payed my karmic debt, maybe someone better would come my way.

Well, I don't know if all that karmic debt stuff is true. Over the decade that has spanned the bridge between first love and the GS, I had some pretty serious heartbreak, disappointment and even a few regrets. The regrets have more to do with not handling a situation as gracefully as I could have; not being kinder to the ones who were open to me that I shut the door on. I think that Cusack kind of absolves himself of his relationship sins- he owns them, addresses them and gets over it. And now I'm going to do the same.

One last thing: Cusack says something in the film that really strikes a chord with me. This is not an exact quote, but it's something like "Real love feels like coming home." It's not always spectacular and amazing, but it is good, really good. And I realize now that my relationship with the GS is the first time I've ever felt like I've met my match. He doesn't intimidate me. I don't feel like I have more power than him, or him more power than me. In fact, for the first time I can ever remember, I don't even think about the power dynamic in the relationship. We respect each other, challenge other, have fun together, seek each other's advice, but at the end of the day, it just feels like coming home.

And in a final act of absolution, first love, you've been on my mind. In the words of Bob Dylan:

Perhaps it's the color of the sun cut flat
An' cov'rin' the crossroads I'm standing at,
Or maybe it's the weather or something like that,
But mama, you been on my mind.

I don't mean trouble, please don't put me down or get upset,
I am not pleadin' or sayin', "I can't forget you."
I do not pace the floor bowed down an' bent, but yet,
Mama, you been on my mind.

Even though my mind is hazy an' my thoughts they might be narrow,
Where you been don't bother me nor bring me down with sorrow.
I don't even mind who you'll be wakin' with tomorrow,
But mama, you're just on my mind.

I am not askin' you to say words like "yes" or "no,"
Please understand me, I have no place I'm callin' you t' go.
I'm just whisperin' to myself, so I can pretend that I don't know,
Mama, you are on my mind.

When you wake up in the mornin', baby, look inside your mirror.
You know I won't be next to you, you know I won't be near.
I'd just be curious to know if you can see yourself as clear
As someone who has had you on his mind

Those were the days,

filled with rubber bed liners and Ronald McDonald sheets...

a few random bits of nostalgia. indulge me.

Lately, I've been walking around my house singing songs like, "Father Abraham had many sons, many sons had Father Abraham" and "The Lord said to Noah there's gonna be a floody floody", along with "seek and ye shall find blah blah blah and love, love, love comes a tricklin down. " Church songs. Not Christmas related. But damn, we had fun at those folk masses when we were kids, didn't we? My mom, her best friend and my father, when he wasn't out at sea, would play the guitar, and we'd all get down and groove in the glory of the Lord. There is something about the feeling of innocence that those songs bring back that is really appealing. And well, it's one thing that I can remember really sharing with my family when I was a kid. And even now on those rare occasions that I am in the same room with my sister, we annoy the hell out of whoever is there by singing the Noah's Ark song. Why? Because it feels good.

When I was a kid, my mom's whole family would rent a beach house together in the Carolinas (well, that was where we lived) for, I don't know, a week in the summer? Every morning, we'd wake up to grandma cooking, Folgers coffee and cigarette smoke. Aunt C, in her long, ugly turquoise terrycloth zip up robe, would be in the kitchen picking at something in the fridge (sometimes raw ground beef- gross!) and our uncle, Buck, would still be asleep in bed. My mom and her baby brother would sit around the kitchen table chatting; Grandpa at the table with his crossword puzzle, or possibly at the Food Lion or Piggly Wiggly for some groceries; and the cousins and siblings would be somewhere underfoot. And this was my special time with grandma. I started drinking black coffee with her at the beach house when I was 4 or 5. And after that summer, whenever I visited grandma, we'd sit in the kitchen together with our coffee just like I was a real grown up woman. And that's how the addiction began.

This Ole Blog

So like, I wanted to import my old dumpy blog on friendster to this new shiny one, but I can't figure out how to do it. Which is really too bad because, well, all you people out there in the blogosphere are missing out on some darn good stuff... So, for posterity's sake here is the link to my old blog.