Mama, You Been On My Mind

So today I watched High Fidelty. Anytime I see a John Cusack film, it gets me thinking about a certain ex-boyfriend.... The one who was like a big brother to skinny monkey girl and CB; the one whose family was sure that we'd marry; the one who had "rescued" me from the misery of our home that first year in Vermont before my step-father made his great escape without a goodbye; The first one I was really in love with.

This film in particular reminds me of that boy because for one thing, he loved John Cusack. And this film. And for another, it is in a way about relationship karma. After a rather long, tearful and slightly cruel break up with first love (yes, it was definitely me that did some pretty serious heart-breaking) , all of my relationships felt doomed. What I mean to say is that I just kept falling for these guys who had no interest in a real relationship with me. I was fun to hang out with, great to talk to, whatever, but in the end, friendship was the only thing that ever came out of those relationships. I held a steady pace of falling for guys who weren't into having a relationship. At least not with me. And because of the way that I had treated first love, I began to feel like I deserved it and when I had re payed my karmic debt, maybe someone better would come my way.

Well, I don't know if all that karmic debt stuff is true. Over the decade that has spanned the bridge between first love and the GS, I had some pretty serious heartbreak, disappointment and even a few regrets. The regrets have more to do with not handling a situation as gracefully as I could have; not being kinder to the ones who were open to me that I shut the door on. I think that Cusack kind of absolves himself of his relationship sins- he owns them, addresses them and gets over it. And now I'm going to do the same.

One last thing: Cusack says something in the film that really strikes a chord with me. This is not an exact quote, but it's something like "Real love feels like coming home." It's not always spectacular and amazing, but it is good, really good. And I realize now that my relationship with the GS is the first time I've ever felt like I've met my match. He doesn't intimidate me. I don't feel like I have more power than him, or him more power than me. In fact, for the first time I can ever remember, I don't even think about the power dynamic in the relationship. We respect each other, challenge other, have fun together, seek each other's advice, but at the end of the day, it just feels like coming home.

And in a final act of absolution, first love, you've been on my mind. In the words of Bob Dylan:

Perhaps it's the color of the sun cut flat
An' cov'rin' the crossroads I'm standing at,
Or maybe it's the weather or something like that,
But mama, you been on my mind.

I don't mean trouble, please don't put me down or get upset,
I am not pleadin' or sayin', "I can't forget you."
I do not pace the floor bowed down an' bent, but yet,
Mama, you been on my mind.

Even though my mind is hazy an' my thoughts they might be narrow,
Where you been don't bother me nor bring me down with sorrow.
I don't even mind who you'll be wakin' with tomorrow,
But mama, you're just on my mind.

I am not askin' you to say words like "yes" or "no,"
Please understand me, I have no place I'm callin' you t' go.
I'm just whisperin' to myself, so I can pretend that I don't know,
Mama, you are on my mind.

When you wake up in the mornin', baby, look inside your mirror.
You know I won't be next to you, you know I won't be near.
I'd just be curious to know if you can see yourself as clear
As someone who has had you on his mind