Saturday, December 30, 2006

insecurity on the rise, fueled by good old fashioned sibling rivalry

and some other things, too...

Maybe it's just cause I'm so far away, and things here just aren't that great, but I've started feeling jealous of the rest of my family. Of my sister for marrying into such a great family and now buying a house, and becoming much closer to our mother than I've ever known her to be; of my older brother for finding the job he's always wanted and finding a woman almost immediately after that he wants to marry. It's not just that. When I talked to my family on Christmas, I couldn't help but feel replaced, like they couldn't care less whether or not I was actually there. While I, on the other hand, wanted desperately to be there and share in the fun and the food. Sitting on this side of the computer, and actually watching them hang out with each other and stuff home-made cookies in their mouths via internet camera phone (whatever you call that) really didn't make me feel apart of it. If anything, it just emphasized the distance between us.

To make for me, what is already a strange subject even stranger, I have blog envy. Yes readers, that's right. Blog Envy. I don't really want say exactly what the problem is here for fear of actually making it worse, but someone has kind of hurt my feelings by not wanting to be associated with me on the internet. I know, it's so freakin weird, right? I mean it's the internet. And it's like, mostly anonymous, but still... I'm just so confused about this is whole cyber space thing, and cyber friendship and how all that actually relates to real life, but I'm finding that apparently, it does. And in this case, it relates to the fact that someone out there that I actually know and care about is embarrassed of me, for reasons that I can't quite pin down.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is not about you. This is about me. And not wanting everyone in the world to be able to read my blog. Well fine if they stumble upon it but I went into this wanting some anonymity and having you have a link to my blog makes it easier for people I know to find me. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings, but you have your friends read your blog and I don't necessarily want them to all know my business. Please don't be mad. And damn it! Leave comments on my blog if you want. And if you're upset TALK TO ME!

AND I did want you at to be at Mom's for Christmas. WE ALL DID. Numerous times we said to each other, "I wish Woman Warrior was here." So there. You're my big sister and I miss you. Christmas and well, life, just aren't the same without you around. No one would sing John Denver and the Muppets with me. And certainly not at the top of their lungs. I wish you would just come home, but I feel bad saying that because it's selfish. Okay? Come home so we can be best friends and play. If we get that damn house we'll have an extra bedroom (with a door you can close on your dirty laundry!) AND an extra bathroom. So there. Come home. After we get the house. We'll find new jobs together.

OKAY? I love you.

Anonymous said...

hey skinny monkey,

you aren't the only one who wants her to come home....

but it is hard to say, since it is really selfish.

but you said it first skinny monkey! and now i KNOW i'm not alone with my guilty, selfish feelings!

hooray!

happy new year devon. i miss you.

Rev Dr Mom said...

We all miss you and really really wanted you to be here for Christmas! I'm sorry we made you feel more left out. That wasn't what we meant!

Love you!