questions that'll make a girl freak out

Well, it seems that the storm that was sweeping the heart and mind of my General Secretary has passed and now his thoughts are as lucid as the blue sky on a Spring day. I'm not quite sure what happened in the last two days, but when he came home last night, his face was at ease and he was even smiling a little. When I asked him he said simply, "The prayer has cleared the confusion from my mind and now I know what I have to do."

"What has become more clear?" you might ask. Well, the GS has decided to take his role as oldest son seriously. He started talking about his responsibility to his family in a way that I've never heard before. In the past he has acknowledged that he hasn't lived up to the expectations of how a son or a father should act, but he was never quite ready to take responsibility for any of it. Now, quite suddenly in my mind, he has started talking about what his job might be when he goes back to Bangladesh; where he might live because they no longer own a home in Dhaka, only one out in the country in a village that still doesn't have electricity; where his mother might live; how he might have to support his sisters and brothers until they get married in addition to his own daughter.

And I'm sitting there thinking, "Huh? Where do I fit into all of this?" I mean, we've had these conversations in the abstract before, but now this is all feeling quite real and fast and I'm really scared. And as was demonstrated in the last few days due to the sad fact of his father passing away, I have a long way to go in understanding his culture and religion. And I'm not Islamic so I'm excluded from the big ritual parts of life in Bangladesh. And I'm never going to be Islamic so how can I fit into his family and social structure?

And is he going to freak out and become like REALLY Islamic? Not like fundamentalist or anything like, I just mean more conservative?

And does this mean he is going to take is role as "THE man of the family" so seriously that I am then "THE woman"?

And isn't his family going to see me as some kind of Western home-wrecking whore? I mean, I am not conservative by any standards. And well, let's face it. One of the first things he will have to do when he goes home is get a divorce. (OH my god! Has even thought about it that way?)

And won't his daughter really resent me?

Am I just thinking about all of the negative things that could happen now that we are suddenly catapulted in the reality of our situation?

So just to clarify things a little (don't freak out mom and sister), there are no definite plans for us to move Bangladesh any time soon. As far I'm concerned, I have to finish my year at this school and save some money or I won't be going anywhere for a long time. But yes family, brace yourselves for the fact that I might just maybe move to Bangladesh, but it would not in anyway as far as I'm concerned be a permanent move....

Oh my god, I'm admitting these things on my blog so they must be real. Because blogging is real, right?

My last question is: Do I really want to post this for the whole world to see? Isn't it a bit premature to publish the kind of freak out to the web? Well I don't know, so here I am... pushing the publish button...