Thursday, November 16, 2006

28 and Three-Quarters Is No Time To Grow Up

Or not getting over that 12-year-old-my-dad-got-remarried-and-has-a-new-family anger...

So this morning, I strolled into my favorite immigrants' rights organization in the hopes of making a contribution. And rest assured, I did make a contribution, though some might consider it a contribution in the wrong direction... Okay, I admit it, I yelled. Not at anyone, just at my computer. I think my exact words were, "that fucking psycho bitch found me." That's right. I checked my email and discovered that my ex-step-sister, with whom I never shared a single delightful moment, had looked me up on myspace or some such nonsense and wanted to "drop me a line and say hi". Well, I've got something to drop, and it sure as hell ain't a line.

Listen, I've really, really, really been trying to work out all this family anger stuff. There is internet evidence of this. You can read
here and here and here. Really, I think about this stuff all the time. But just when I think I've made some peace, gotten over something, there is a new bullet flying at my heart that I, of course, didn't expect. I mean let's face it, does anyone really expect to get shot at?

Okay, so here are my issues (and keep in mind that I'm only 12):
  • SHE calls MY father "dad". I don't even call my father "dad". I mean, I just started talking to him again after a really, really really long time. Is this further proof that he abandoned his REAL family for those imposters? Those mean, take-my-father-away-from-me-and-move-into-my-bedroom-and-take- all-of-my-stuff, too- jerks.

  • Okay, so like when we were kids, there was this one time when she chased her youngest sister around the house with a knife in a total rage threatening to kill her and then yanked the phone out of the wall when I tried to call my REAL mom. Youngest Sister ended sobbing, shaking and hiding in the corner of an attic bedroom while the rest of us tried to not to get the knife pointed at us- unsuccessfully, I might add. That day, we were all really afraid for our lives, and even more for her youngest sister. I still don't know what set her off, but I remember it very distinctly because at that time, I felt like I was imprisoned in my father's house for our two week "vacation" with our abusive step-mother and her eldest daughter, the prison guard.

  • Did I mention that she took the joy out of nearly every salvagable "family" moment?

  • She called MY grandmother "grandma". Well, here's some news pyscho: Her name was IRIS, and that was what her REAL grandchildren called her.

Now I know that I sound childish, mean and like I lack the perspective of an adult, but these things really do bother me, not because I hate oldest-ex-step-sister (do I?), but because they actually point to larger issues with my family that I haven't resolved yet. I know, I hate being able to intellectualize it; I really just wish I could wallow in my anger without analyzing it because it makes me feel like a divided person. I'm having a fight with myself now, as I write:

"WW (that's me), you should just forgive her because we are all kids and did mean things to each other and competed for out parents attention."

"WW (that's me), fuck that shit, she's a crazy bitch that you never liked anyway, so why bother even thinking about it?"

"WW, (that's me), is she really in your family anyway??!!"

And "WW (that's me), Why can't you just calm down and realize that you are always right no matter what you think."

Okay, so I have to admit that I like that 3rd response best, but this still doesn't leave me feeling any better. Am I going to "message" her back? Hell no! Am I going to try and think nice thoughts about her? I haven't decided yet. I guess I'm not ready to get over my family anger yet.

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