I've been getting over it

I'm back in Korea. I've been back for nearly a month.

Well, the drama that has been my life for the last 2 years is nearly over. When I came back to Korea, I learned that Masum, through some feat of emotional blackmail on the part of his family, decided that he couldn't divorce his wife because he would lose not only his daughter, but his whole family. I'm totally at loss. I just can't understand the situation and my only consolation is that he sounds absolutely miserable. Maybe that sounds awful for me to say, but really, my heart is totally broken and if I thought he was actually happy with the situation, I would really be questioning why I ever tried sticking with him in the first place. I guess I'm questioning that anyway, but you know, him being miserable makes the question a little easier for me to answer.

I guess I was really angry at him. But now I just feel really sad. I'm sad because his family didn't even try to understand. They don't seem to care about his happiness at all; all that matters is his obligation to his family. I feel angry that I remain so powerless in the situation and that no amount love makes a difference. Culture and family are forces that love just can't compete with in this situation. I mean even the Bangladeshi friends who know me said that he should ditch me for his wife and do whatever his mother told him to do.

I feel totally pathetic because I'm still holding onto some lingering hope that he'll change his mind and tell his family to get over it. And that after he does that, his family will eventually forgive him and at least accept the situation even if they don't like it. But I know deep down that it'll never happen and it's a waste of time to fantasize about being with him again. But it's just so hard because it wasn't so long ago that we were talking about marriage and babies and where we'd want to live. He asked me to help him figure out how he could get a visa and a job in another country, and I did that. I had a plan. Actually I had lots of plans, all he had to do was divorce his wife.

And now I'm just trying to figure out what to do with myself. I've spent so much time over the last two years making plans that include Masum that now I feel a little bit overwhelmed with the fact that the world is wide open and that he isn't part of the plan anymore. Honestly, I don't even want to think about that reality, but that's what it is now. I've been falling apart for the last month and now I'm trying to put the pieces back together, but I don't even know where to begin.

I only have a month left in Korea. I bought my plane ticket outta here last week and that has done a lot for my mental state. And I didn't just buy any ticket. I'm going to Nepal for a month before I return to America because frankly the thought of returning to Vermont in the dead of winter with no job and nothing to do is depressing.

Add to that the fact that I have a lot of anxiety about finding work in Vermont in the first place because low wage jobs and boredom is kind of what drove me to Korea. I feel really strange about the prospect of returning to America "forever". I guess that for the last few years, I've pictured myself living outside of the US sort of indefinitely and the prospect of forever in any place makes me feel a little antsy. Especially without Masum. I guess for the last few years I've always just considered my home to be wherever he is, whether that's Bangladesh, or somewhere in the US or even in Cuba or South America... And now, well, home seems to be Vermont whether I like it or not.

And it's not that I don't like it, it's just that, well, I haven't really considered the fact that I would be living there again. And while I'm really happy and excited to be surrounded by family and friends again, I'm really depressed about the fact that I'm alone and that the only person that I've ever really thought I would want to spend my life with won't be there to share it with me.

God, I really miss him. He's been gone for more than two months and I've thrown everything of his out of the house, but I still feel his absence constantly...

but, I guess I'm getting over it. I hope.

Life is so unfair.